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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Here right now, this what we're living for

Every so often I have what I like to call "Leaves on trees" moments. Where for some reason my contacts are so great that I can see all the leaves on the mountains. Which might be normal for some people, but I have really bad eye sight, so growing up I didn't know that trees could look like that. To me they were always just big blobs. Then when I first got glasses I looked across the street and said "OH look! There are leaves on that tree!" I'm sure you've heard this story from many people, pretty much anyone who has glasses has experienced this.
But this has been happening for me lately, and not just with my vision. But with my view of my life. I'm seeing things that I didn't notice before. I'm seeing things clearly. Its really nice to have a very clear picture in my head of the things I want and the things I will be doing with my life. I'm always open and flexible, but knowing what I want means it is easier for me to set goals and achieve them.
On the flip side, knowing exactly what I want also has been causing me anxiety. What if I don't achieve my goals? What if I fail? What if I never get to do these things I so badly want? What if I never get to be in love again? What if, what if, what if. And I know these are not rational thoughts, but they are still there. Going for my goals in spite of the what ifs. That is what is required. And I am ready for the challenge!
Also I have a very clear time frame of what I want... graduation in April 2014 is the first thing on this timeline. First and for most in my life is graduating. Maybe thats good, maybe not... I'm finding that I am leaving little room for friends and family because of this. So I suppose balance is something I should work on.

Basically, I am seeing the leaves. All the little pieces that make up my life. I like what I see, and I like what I see in the future. But its time to enjoy and love the now. Because NOW is all I have. The future isn't tangible, its a hope, a goal. I am going to enjoy the goals of today that I have achieved, and the leaves I have in my life right now.

Also Salt Lake City is STUNNING in the fall. I love just driving around and looking at the beautiful place I live in. I am lucky.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Can you remind me of what it was like, at the top of the world

My life is so busy!!!!! I hardly have time for anything other than school and rehearsal. Bloody bloody Andrew Jackson opens tonight! (but we did have an audience last night) luckily this show is only an hour and a half long so My nights won't be as busy and I can finally finish ALL my homework, not just half of it.

SCHOOL
Is going great. We have a new head of the department, so it's been good to get more feed back and have a new set of eyes. I only have a few more semesters and then I'll be done! I can't say how thankful I am to have been given the chance to get an education, and how excited I am to have a degree. It's very important to me to have one.

SHOWS
Seven brides this summer changed my life! I found great friends like my bestie Josh! And I had the best time with the cast. Summer 2012 will always be one of my favorites. BLOODY BLOODY ANDREW JACKSON has been a wonderful learning experience. It's a show I never thought I'd be in (I typically do traditional musical theater) so doing a rock musical and needing to be way over the top has been hard for me. I've gotten frustrated with myself, but it's ok because at least I'm learning... I'll get there someday.

GENERAL
For the last year and a half I haven't had more than three weeks off before starting a new show. And it's been wonderful, I've learned so much. BUT that being said, I have decided that I need a break. I've never had the thought "I need to take a break from doing shows" until about a week ago. It's just that doing school AND multiple shows a semester is so hard and I need to make sure I pass all my general classes so I can graduate on time.
Also life has been so great this last year and a half that sometimes I think it's going to break. That things don't stay this good for this long because in the Last decade of my life it hasn't. And I'm starting to think that, yes, bad things happened; friends died, relationships went bad, cancer happened, eating disorders etc. But I think all those things would have been a lot easier if my attitude would have been what it is today. Because life happens, bad things happen but also GOOD things happen, GREAT things happen. And those good things happen much more often than the bad things.