Friday, January 20, 2012

These hands are small, I know

For the last two weeks I have been praying. A lot. And I'm talking on my knees before I go to sleep, long talks with God praying. Because as I started this new year I decided to reconnect with God and work on living a more spiritual connected life. I've learned so much in this last year, and I knew that Gods hand had been there/has been there all along. And let me tell you... I have struggled these last two weeks. I have so much joy and gratitude for school, musicals I'm in/will be in, the friends I have, my mother, my father, my apartment, home cooked meals, a working printer (finally), just so many little things. Those things have created such joy for me in this first month of 2012. But since I've been praying and working on connecting with God, I have also felt such an opposition. People have been mean, condescending, rude, unfeeling, thoughtless. I've felt so worn down. I've felt like there have just been so many things happening which are trying to get me to feel like my efforts are worthless. Maybe I need to suck it up, be tougher. But I can't help but think that it isn't a coincidence that I have experienced these things since I started this reconnection. Maybe this is a trial period where in I get to prove that despite discouragement, I will continue with my work. I don't know. Its hard to think that any evil source would really care if I started reconnecting with God... Considering that there are tons of people more connected, more spiritual than I am.  So maybe this is just me being tired from 21 credits, a show, homework; combined with a not positive enough attitude.

I feel discouraged. Hopeful. Small. Tired. Which is so weird because for the first time, I feel like I've got almost everything I want.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." - Joshua 1: 9

1 comment:

  1. When your heart and dreams are as big as yours, nothing about you can be considered "small".