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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Here right now, this what we're living for

Every so often I have what I like to call "Leaves on trees" moments. Where for some reason my contacts are so great that I can see all the leaves on the mountains. Which might be normal for some people, but I have really bad eye sight, so growing up I didn't know that trees could look like that. To me they were always just big blobs. Then when I first got glasses I looked across the street and said "OH look! There are leaves on that tree!" I'm sure you've heard this story from many people, pretty much anyone who has glasses has experienced this.
But this has been happening for me lately, and not just with my vision. But with my view of my life. I'm seeing things that I didn't notice before. I'm seeing things clearly. Its really nice to have a very clear picture in my head of the things I want and the things I will be doing with my life. I'm always open and flexible, but knowing what I want means it is easier for me to set goals and achieve them.
On the flip side, knowing exactly what I want also has been causing me anxiety. What if I don't achieve my goals? What if I fail? What if I never get to do these things I so badly want? What if I never get to be in love again? What if, what if, what if. And I know these are not rational thoughts, but they are still there. Going for my goals in spite of the what ifs. That is what is required. And I am ready for the challenge!
Also I have a very clear time frame of what I want... graduation in April 2014 is the first thing on this timeline. First and for most in my life is graduating. Maybe thats good, maybe not... I'm finding that I am leaving little room for friends and family because of this. So I suppose balance is something I should work on.

Basically, I am seeing the leaves. All the little pieces that make up my life. I like what I see, and I like what I see in the future. But its time to enjoy and love the now. Because NOW is all I have. The future isn't tangible, its a hope, a goal. I am going to enjoy the goals of today that I have achieved, and the leaves I have in my life right now.

Also Salt Lake City is STUNNING in the fall. I love just driving around and looking at the beautiful place I live in. I am lucky.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Can you remind me of what it was like, at the top of the world

My life is so busy!!!!! I hardly have time for anything other than school and rehearsal. Bloody bloody Andrew Jackson opens tonight! (but we did have an audience last night) luckily this show is only an hour and a half long so My nights won't be as busy and I can finally finish ALL my homework, not just half of it.

SCHOOL
Is going great. We have a new head of the department, so it's been good to get more feed back and have a new set of eyes. I only have a few more semesters and then I'll be done! I can't say how thankful I am to have been given the chance to get an education, and how excited I am to have a degree. It's very important to me to have one.

SHOWS
Seven brides this summer changed my life! I found great friends like my bestie Josh! And I had the best time with the cast. Summer 2012 will always be one of my favorites. BLOODY BLOODY ANDREW JACKSON has been a wonderful learning experience. It's a show I never thought I'd be in (I typically do traditional musical theater) so doing a rock musical and needing to be way over the top has been hard for me. I've gotten frustrated with myself, but it's ok because at least I'm learning... I'll get there someday.

GENERAL
For the last year and a half I haven't had more than three weeks off before starting a new show. And it's been wonderful, I've learned so much. BUT that being said, I have decided that I need a break. I've never had the thought "I need to take a break from doing shows" until about a week ago. It's just that doing school AND multiple shows a semester is so hard and I need to make sure I pass all my general classes so I can graduate on time.
Also life has been so great this last year and a half that sometimes I think it's going to break. That things don't stay this good for this long because in the Last decade of my life it hasn't. And I'm starting to think that, yes, bad things happened; friends died, relationships went bad, cancer happened, eating disorders etc. But I think all those things would have been a lot easier if my attitude would have been what it is today. Because life happens, bad things happen but also GOOD things happen, GREAT things happen. And those good things happen much more often than the bad things.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I threw a wish in the well, Don't ask me I'll never tell

Only the important things:
I adore my Seven Brides cast
I saw my best friends this weekend and it made me so happy
I feel incredibly blessed/lucky to have met such great people this summer
Gma is the most fantastic woman
I am the luckiest :)
I feel like everyone likes a picture blog in comparison to a paragraphs and paragraphs of words blog so these should give you an idea as to what my summer is shaping up to be!


Exercising this everyday

The most beautiful cast I've ever been a part of!

Bestie on the 4th

Family BBQ!



I think this is beautiful! Working on making these my own words.

Still loving Mumford in the summer months

Amen.

:) I do, I do, I do.

Summer Motto (well one of the many)


Waking up like this everyday.
Only mine says "Wake up beautiful girl! You get to live the life you've dreamed of!"

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.

There has been a shift in my feelings lately. A good one I feel. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about God, praying about things. For some reason for the past month and a half I've had this desire to spend time at church, spend time praying and searching. Problem is that I'm not really sure what I'm searching for. Maybe I'll know what I was looking for when I finally find it. 


I also have this desire to be softer... kinder. I find myself feeling silly for thinking these thoughts and for praying. I look forward to when I have the confidence to silence those thoughts. I hope I can continue this journey and work with God in this transformation period. 




Florence and The Machine "Shake it out"
Regrets collect like old friendsHere to relive your darkest momentsI can see no way, I can see no wayAnd all of the ghouls come out to playAnd every demon wants his pound of fleshBut I like to keep some things to myselfI like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blindI can never leave the past behindI can see no way, I can see no wayI'm always dragging that horse aroundAnd our love is pastured such a mournful soundTonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the groundSo I like to keep my issues drawnBut it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heartSo tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restartCause I like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it backIt's a find romance but its left me so undoneIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don'tSo here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my roadAnd I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hopeIt's a shot in the dark and right at my throatCause looking for heaven, found the devil in meLooking for heaven, found the devil in meWell what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah


Monday, June 25, 2012

Wonderful Wonderful Day

It has been a great summer so far! I've been super busy and I'm about to get a lot busier too with Seven Brides (Up at Sundance) and my new Job at Nordstrom. Fall is looking like its going to be just as busy, I'll be taking 19 credit hours and I'll be in SLACs production of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson!
So far I:

Went home to Oregon


Took a road trip to Jackson Hole


Attended my first ever Toga Party


And had a singing Party in the middle of downtown Salt Lake City!


Life is so good. I was talking to Bronwyn the other day and she said "Jessica, we're doing it. I mean we are actually doing it. Like who would have thought that you me and John would be making a living from performing so soon. We made it!" And I feel that way. I feel like I am living the dream. I'm not in New York yet, I'm not on broadway, and I do have a lot of progress yet to be made, but I am living my dream! And I am happy. In two years I'll get to live my dream in New York (and hopefully on broadway) But I've be lucky enough to perform non stop for over a year, I am surrounded by people I love, and I am learning and growing. I love the memories I'm making and I look forward to creating many more, which will be just as wonderful!


Friday, April 27, 2012

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear

These are words that have been taken right from my heart.
I often struggle to find the right words, I'm not so good with them...
But others have been able to say the words that I feel in my heart, so thank you to them!
What I'm trying to say is that these are the thoughts going through my heart and mind currently :)
"To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me"
- Christian D. Larson



"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Too much sanity may be madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Perhaps to be practical is madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it ought to be."- Cervantes (Man of La Mancha) 




Have a beautiful day! 

To dream, the impossible dream

Tech week for Man of La Mancha is currently in full swing! Todays rehearsal goes until midnight and will go just as late tomorrow night. I wouldn't want to be anyplace else though. I sit and watch these Broadway vets do their thing and just soak up as much as I can. I keep praying I will get the chance to work here again, because I have learned so much already. Everyone is so talented and so kind! 
Click here for tickets :)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Concrete Jungle, Where Dreams are Made of

I don't want to go on and on about New York, but I can't just not say anything about it! It was fantastic, I felt very good there. Its just a place I love. I went on as many auditions as I could when I was there, and I got some callbacks! It was a very inspiring trip, and made me so thankful for a wonderful BFA program. I am glad I have a safe place to learn and grow, to develop into the type of artist that I want to be. The directors and choreographers were so nice, and I was shocked at how many of them took the time to speak to me about my audition.

Seeing Bronwyn and John. I could go on and on for hours. Us three have a special bond, and when I got there it wasn't like "oh fun Jessica is visiting" it was "Oh great, now things are back to normal." I miss them so much already. But it wont be long till we are back together! :)

Haha and it was hilarious because I was actually living in the musical "In the Heights". I got off at the 181st and took the escalator just like in the song. I don't know why, but I was just so tickled with that.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

If I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere

NEW YORK! 
Just a super fast update while I'm getting into bed after a great day in NYC.
I was born to be here.
I have always been a city girl, and New York feels like home.
When you know, you know. And I know!
Today was fantastic. Because I was able to audition for a few things
I got to learn from Broadway choreographers and directors. 
And I was lucky enough to receive personal, one on one, positive feedback!
Two directors today spoke to me about how much they appreciated and liked my auditions,
They both said I did a really great job. 
We talked about my training, my plans and just about life. 
It was so cool to get such a good reaction from Broadway Directors.
I mean I never thought I'd get to have personal talks with these directors in my first two 
New York auditions. Even if nothing comes of it, It was really cool and humbling for me.
And the choreographer for Mama Mia! Wow she is incredible. 
We had a special moment today at the dance call, small, but it was so cool! 
Who knows how many special moments she had that day, but for me,
It was the first one on one choreographer feedback I'd gotten from a Broadway Choreographer. 
I'm just kinda in love with this place.
In love with what I do.
There are so many incredibly talented people here. 
They are kind, and busting with talent and joy.
Basically I'm feeling like a kid in a candy store because I get to learn from these 
INCREDIBLE people! 

XOXO! Have a happy day :) 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I have a love, and its all that I have

I'm going to New York in a week :) To audition for the Tour of West Side Story!
West side is my all time favorite musical and it is the perfect show for me.
I was lucky enough to play Maria a few years ago and my life was changed by playing that role,
I would love to be a part of the show again, in any form. Of course my audition is specifically for Maria though.
I'll be in NYC for eight days, and I plan on auditioning for as many things as possible!
Somethings just fall right into place ya know?
I've just felt like this last year has been my year. My year to learn, to grow, to be happy, to audition, perform, sing, dance, act, love. And this feels like the cherry on top! I get to go to New York and sing songs from my favorite musical. Perfect. 
AND a little birdie has said IN THE HEIGHTS will be coming to PTC next season :)
Also perfection. I've become obsessed with this show, it is all I have been listening to lately! 
I love musical theater. To much to put into words.

I'm home, when you're here with me

I cannot express how joyful I have been lately.
I had such a fantastic weekend, I surprised my mom for her birthday and we went to lunch with Gma :) And then we had a fantastic sleep over with junk food, movies and great chats. Something I am so grateful for is how my relationship with her has grown. I'm not sure what changed, but we can talk about pretty much anything and I don't feel judged, or like I need to filter my words and thoughts. And we can have different opinions on something and still respect the others view.

I am blessed with amazing friends, who I adore and who just make me feel so great. They are so kind, funny, talented. I look up to them, I'm sure they have no idea, but when I'm around them I can't help but think "oh I hope I can be like that, I'm going to work to develop that." Its the first time I've had people who don't shit talk behind peoples back, who are just kind and generous.

I've been grateful for my father this week. I had to ask him for help with money (more help than he already gives me). I was crying and saying "I'm so sorry I have to ask for this, I know its not fair for me to ask for money." I explained that 21 credits and TWO musicals was so much harder than I was expecting and how I just got a job because I knew I needed to help with money, but that I was just so run down and overwhelmed. He calmly replied "I'll transfer the money right now, don't cry its going to be okay. In the future, pay your parking tickets on time."

And my heart has such a special place for Ben Roeling! I have learned a lot from him, and our friendship hasn't always been good. I've been forced to step outside my box and see things from a totally different place during our friendship. But I'm thankful for all we've experienced because now we are here! Best mexi-friends. :)

God has blessed my life so greatly.

I feel like my blog has been very "I'm so happy, life is great, blah blah positive positive" And I am aware that can be a little annoying, or can be seen as fake. However, I really just feel good. Maybe I'm just actually aware of the blessings that were always here. Maybe I'm really into the power of positive thinking. No matter how I got here, I am happy I'm here. I cry, I feel sad, I get in bad moods, but at the end of the day I'm always happy with my life.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Sometimes I get a good feeling

I had an amazing week. I've just been feeling so positive and so happy. I am so so lucky, I have just about everything I want.

The Voodoo darling show was INCREDIBLE. I am so in love with the darlings and with Jen, she creates beautiful shows and I'm thrilled I can be a part of them.
Ben and I had a few wonderful adventures as well, I couldn't be more proud of him. Just when I was losing faith in people changing, I see him go through such a transformation. He is honest, authentic, kind, funny, a person I just adore being around. And I'm thrilled every time we are together.

There are lots of exciting things happening for me :) new friends, romances, LA bound in may (like I've got a place), performances left and right. I'm a very lucky girl :)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Come what may, oh come what may, I will love you

This week is Valentine's day. I know I will not have time this week to post anything,
but being the believer that I am, a believer in love, I wanted to post something all about LOVE!
I believe in celebrating love. Because if there is anything worth celebrating, its love. 


Being short means I'm always up on my toes. :)





I love The Notebook!!

Grey's Anatomy 







I love so many things, I am lucky enough to have been madly in love, and to currently be in a passionate love affair with my life. I know Valentine's day is supposed to be about being in love and all that, but I'm in love with creating and with living and with theater, music, dance. So I get to celebrate my love of those things on this Valentines day. I get to create music, love, art, dance, passion, joy everyday and I love that. I have so many people in my life who I love and who love me. I know what true love feels like and what it can be. Settling for anything less than magical, passionate, extraordinary love, is unacceptable to me. Ordinary has no place in my life. Not in love, not it work, not ever. 

I am filling my life with love. Have a fantastic Valentines day. 
Love deeply, love honestly.