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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Can't you see that you are, a Timestopper?

"I'm gonna make you believe, that is is what love should be"

I have such a love for my friends. My heart feels like its going to burst all the time because I can't believe I've found such amazing people. This is how friendship should be. I am the luckiest :) Thinking about all the amazing people I've gotten to have in my life makes me feel so much love for my life, so much love for them and also very very thankful.

Life has been such a sweet surprise lately. I have had some chances to see how far I've come, how much I've grown. I've dealt with situations lately that would have brought out a bad side of me. But I have been able to calmly just ask. I ask for things I need or want. I ask for the truth. And its amazing to me how people are so willing to give me what I want or need if I just ask from a calm honest place. To actually be able to see those changes is a really great thing for me. It takes some work, changing bad habits. But I have.

I'm still working on trusting. Trusting myself. The thing is, some people are untrustworthy, but I find that often I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I will pick the right thing, the good thing. I don't trust that I will choose the right people to be in my life. So as I'm learning to trust others I'm learning how to trust myself. Also I would like to change the bitterness I feel. I don't feel a whole lot of it truthfully, but there are moments when someone will try and do something sweet for me and my first reaction is to assume its a lie. Or to push away from it. And I see myself, or rather I feel myself, doing that and I try so hard to stop, but I would love to get to the place where I don't even feel that way at all. Because they really are sweet sweet gestures. And when someone goes out on a limb for me, when they risk looking like stupid, just so I can feel special, I shouldn't resist that. My first reaction should be pure appreciation.

One other thing; I find myself being afraid, which keeps me from experiencing amazing things, I'm afraid to look stupid. I'm afraid to look like a total idiot for... well a few things. I'm afraid of believing I could be a performer, because I'll look stupid if I don't land a role. I'm afraid of believing that sweet words and actions are genuine, because I'll look like an idiot if they are lies. Its a reoccurring thought process for me. I have decided this will be my latest "project", I guess. Changing that thought pattern. I will no longer let fear effect my life. Although I do feel like a courageous woman, I can't help but think that life could be that much more amazing if I wasn't afraid sometimes.

Last thought: I find that I often blog about my person progression in life, characteristics I desire to have or hope to change. And I do this because I find that when I put it out there, when I announce to the world that I plan on being better, that I want to have another good quality; it makes it real for me. Because saying it just to myself isn't enough. And also I'm lucky enough to have my best friends read my blog, and when they know what I desire they ALWAYS help me get it. I'm so lucky to have them.

WATCH THIS!!!!! You'll be laughing and smiling I promise!

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