Life has been SO CRAZY lately! Tonight is literally the first night time I've had more than an hour free. I just have so many different projects happening right now, and school is so close to be over that all my classes are intensifying. I have literally been living off coffee for the last few days so it was nice to have a real meal, and a drink other than coffee! :) Its back to the coffee tomorrow though, I get to: find a job, pay about 350 dollars in bills, take three tests at school, choreograph a dance, do 12 shows in a week, complete a project for my gmas birthday and list 10 quilts on ebay. Side note, I might be die from all this.
Today, just now, I saw a picture of Gray and it was so weird... I haven't seen him in over three months and then his picture pops up in my facebook news feed. It was like he wasn't even a real person in my life... Meaning, I looked at it and had such a strange feeling of "I can't believe I ever touched his chin, felt his skin, played with his hair." Not in a bad way but it literally felt like it all happened so long ago that I can't even believe that it did once happen. Haha I probably make no sense at all! It was just that to see a photo of someone I once thought I knew so very well and now know nothing at all about him, it was a strange thing. It didn't bring me any sadness. Which is always a good thing :)
I bought some candles today and when I blow candles out I always make wishes on them... even if it isn't my birthday because I figure why not take every chance I have to make a wish!? I bought three candles and my wishes were:
1. That I would allow myself to have beautiful new experiences and people
2. That my mother would feel joy and peace
3. That Gray would feel true, complete joy and peace
I have just been feeling very good lately. I mean I'm still me and at some point my world ends everyday, but then just as quickly, with a dance class, or a animal picture, or a song my world has started all over again and I'm as happy as can be. I've learned I am THE most dramatic. Oh well :) I'll be learning how to real it in at times in the coming months. But over all I have just been feeling good. Feeling happy. I've pretty recently started dating someone who is just the calmest, nicest, most genuine person. It was really unexpected, I mean we were just really good friends until everyone started asking me if we were dating and all of a sudden I was like "Oh wait... I mean why shouldn't we?" Why not spend time with someone who makes me feel good, and who treats me well? I have learned quiet a bit from this new situation. All I know is that in this moment I am learning, growing and I'm trying to live in this moment. I don't want to live in the past, six months ago, a year ago, all the fears I felt then, the hurt, the love, it isn't here in this moment. Its stuck there, in the past where it should be. I don't want to carry the old fears I had with me into my future. I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over. Which means I get to concur new fears. Whatever I felt in the past I can't carry with me. I can learn from it, I can remember the experience but why bother dwelling on what once was? I don't have yesterday, or tomorrow. I have today. And today I have these people in my life. And today I have these experiences to experience. So carpe diem!!
The last year of my life has been so crazy. I had hoped for so many things that will now never happen. I made so many plans that will never be completed. As I am getting ready for Christmas (I start celebrating November 1st) I was thinking back a year ago... where I was, who I was. Then thinking back to 2008, when I thought my life would end... and it didn't, it got better. Life now is better than it was then. And thinking back to the love I felt last year, the wonderful memories I made, and even though my plans didn't work out and that particular love wont be felt this year, I get to have new plans. I get to feel love for other people. I have a new group of people in my life who have expanded my capacity for love. I love more people this year than I did last year, and that is wonderful. That is joyful.
I mean I'm aware this post was a million hours long, congrats to whoever finishes it, if anyone actually does. You have just sat through a therapy session for me. Because now I feel even better than before I wrote it!! Now I'm off to bed :) Good night!