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Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea, but I'd rather be here than on land

Life has been SO CRAZY lately! Tonight is literally the first night time I've had more than an hour free. I just have so many different projects happening right now, and school is so close to be over that all my classes are intensifying. I have literally been living off coffee for the last few days so it was nice to have a real meal, and a drink other than coffee! :) Its back to the coffee tomorrow though, I get to: find a job, pay about 350 dollars in bills, take three tests at school, choreograph a dance, do 12 shows in a week, complete a project for my gmas birthday and list 10 quilts on ebay. Side note, I might be die from all this.

Today, just now, I saw a picture of Gray and it was so weird... I haven't seen him in over three months and then his picture pops up in my facebook news feed. It was like he wasn't even a real person in my life... Meaning, I looked at it and had such a strange feeling of "I can't believe I ever touched his chin, felt his skin, played with his hair." Not in a bad way but it literally felt like it all happened so long ago that I can't even believe that it did once happen. Haha I probably make no sense at all! It was just that to see a photo of someone I once thought I knew so very well and now know nothing at all about him, it was a strange thing. It didn't bring me any sadness. Which is always a good thing :)

I bought some candles today and when I blow candles out I always make wishes on them... even if it isn't my birthday because I figure why not take every chance I have to make a wish!? I bought three candles and my wishes were:
1. That I would allow myself to have beautiful new experiences and people
2. That my mother would feel joy and peace
3. That Gray would feel true, complete joy and peace

I have just been feeling very good lately. I mean I'm still me and at some point my world ends everyday, but then just as quickly, with a dance class, or a animal picture, or a song my world has started all over again and I'm as happy as can be. I've learned I am THE most dramatic. Oh well :) I'll be learning how to real it in at times in the coming months. But over all I have just been feeling good. Feeling happy. I've pretty recently started dating someone who is just the calmest, nicest, most genuine person. It was really unexpected, I mean we were just really good friends until everyone started asking me if we were dating and all of a sudden I was like "Oh wait... I mean why shouldn't we?" Why not spend time with someone who makes me feel good, and who treats me well? I have learned quiet a bit from this new situation. All I know is that in this moment I am learning, growing and I'm trying to live in this moment. I don't want to live in the past, six months ago, a year ago, all the fears I felt then, the hurt, the love, it isn't here in this moment. Its stuck there, in the past where it should be. I don't want to carry the old fears I had with me into my future. I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over. Which means I get to concur new fears. Whatever I felt in the past I can't carry with me. I can learn from it, I can remember the experience but why bother dwelling on what once was? I don't have yesterday, or tomorrow. I have today. And today I have these people in my life. And today I have these experiences to experience. So carpe diem!!

The last year of my life has been so crazy. I had hoped for so many things that will now never happen. I made so many plans that will never be completed. As I am getting ready for Christmas (I start celebrating November 1st) I was thinking back a year ago... where I was, who I was. Then thinking back to 2008, when I thought my life would end... and it didn't, it got better. Life now is better than it was then. And thinking back to the love I felt last year, the wonderful memories I made, and even though my plans didn't work out and that particular love wont be felt this year, I get to have new plans. I get to feel love for other people. I have a new group of people in my life who have expanded my capacity for love. I love more people this year than I did last year, and that is wonderful. That is joyful.

I mean I'm aware this post was a million hours long, congrats to whoever finishes it, if anyone actually does. You have just sat through a therapy session for me. Because now I feel even better than before I wrote it!! Now I'm off to bed :) Good night!

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