This post is... well a lot. And rather personal. Just a warning.
I realized this morning around 3:30 that I have a problem. Anxiety. I couldn't sleep until around 2, then I wake up an hour and a half later from a horrible dream, only to then have a panic attack because I knew I wouldn't be able to wake up for ballet class in 3 hours. I knew this because I know I'll be having this anxiety attack for the next hour, and will finally fall asleep around 5:30.
For anyone who has had an anxiety attack you know how awful it is. It could only last for 5 min, but it feels like it will never ever end. Every thought leads to another one just as stressful as the one before. I thought I could deal with it, because I've been doing pretty good handling it for a bit. I'm not sure why it has suddenly come back with such a vengeance, but its effecting my ability to go to school, hang out with friends, to really do anything. Depressed is NOT what I am. Often anxiety and depression go hand in hand, but I fully know what it feels like to be depressed and I know I am not struggling with depression. First because I am happy almost always EXCEPT when I have an anxiety attack. And because I WANT to do these things that I have anxiety about. I want to go to ballet. I want to go to school. I want to learn all I can about musical theater, about music theory. I want to be the best at what I do and I can't be that if I have anxiety all the time.
So I called the UofU's student counseling center so I can relearn how to get it under control. Some people are prone to pneumonia, I'm prone to anxiety. I wouldn't not treat pneumonia, I'd go get medicine to get better. So thats my plan. The tools I'll be using to cope with this anxiety could mean blogging way more often. Or it could mean not blogging at all for a while. I'm writing this post about it now because, well publishing this means that I am really aware that its a problem. Also my mom will read it and she is the best at holding me to things I say I will do :) As good mothers always are! SO I'm thankful I have the rescourses to help with my anxiety, I'm thankful for my mother, I'm thankful for music, I'm thankful for a lot.