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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

All I need is room to fight Hand in fisted glove. Point me to the sky, It's my turn to fly.

I've decided that all the passion I have is for these purposes: (and when I can actually do all these FULL TIME perhaps my passion will not blind my view at times)
My passion is for:
1. Love. (myself, others, animals etc)
2. Music. (Create it, perform it)
2. Dance. (Choreograph, perform)
3. Acting.
4. Performing.
5. Living.

I really believe there is a reason I am so passionate. There are times I wish I didn't feel it the way I do, but I can't help it. I want what I want and I want to get it myself. If others want to aid it that, fantastic. If not please don't think I can't get it on my own. Because I will. If I was supposed to be less passionate about my life, my music, my art, well, then I would be. No one gets to tell me I should feel less. That I should not care so much about my art. I CARE. I care if I can or cannot belt a G, F is not enough. I care if I can hit a triple turn always a double is not enough. I care if I am a connected vulnerable actress. You sir do not get to tell me to care less about it.

I very much feel this song right now Life of the Party, click the link and read :)

ALSO. I have had a FANTASTIC week. The best week in a while. I have amazing friends who make me laugh so so much, and who get it. They just get it. And I spent some wonderful time with my family. I have felt very good. Good is a great way to feel. Haha future blog post coming about that I'm sure :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Filling you with Light, Creativity, All that your Heart should be

This week has been fantastic. I mean I'm only three days into it and I'm already in love with it!

Thoughts:
- Recently someone told me that I'd be ok and ready to spend the rest of my life with one person, and I didn't disagree with this person when it was said. But its been on my mind A LOT lately. Because I don't believe that is true. I let someone tell me something about myself when in reality I don't really feel that way. I believe I will be in a relationship for three to five years before settling down... IF I settle down... the more I experience life the more I love what I have. I LOVE being with my friends, I LOVE doing shows all the time, I LOVE living with one of my best friends, I LOVE freedom, I LOVE being independent. I do not like the idea of "settling down" at all. AT ALL. I do believe in love, above all things I do. But I LOVE music, I LOVE dance, I LOVE people. So isn't that enough? Will it always be enough? I don't know... for now I believe my love for life, music, dance, people, learning, growing is more than enough. Plus broadway keeps calling me and I've got to that before any settling happens ;)

- Its funny how people think so differently about what a "friend" is... is a friend someone we talk to everyday? Someone we can connect with deeply even if we haven't spoken in months? I'm learning what a "friend" really is for me. For me a friend is someone I see often and when I see them we connect on a deep level. Connecting on a deep level isn't always a big emotional ordeal. I just barley deeply connected with a friend over a funny song. But I believe a friend is someone I have a real connection with. If I don't have that, I'd consider me and that person more of like... someone whom I am well acquainted with.

- I couldn't feel more thankful for this fall. I learned so much. I had some amazing movie like moments :) Kissing in the rain, laying in the middle of the street, huge parties, tear filled conversations, romances, break ups, lifelong friends, musical numbers, dance breaks, shows, auditions. I am THE LUCKIEST girl that there ever was.

- Also I can't believe how far I've come. I am proud of myself and the progress I've made. And I am going to enjoy myself for a while... haha that sounds funny, but I FINALLY feel like I'm the girl I've always wanted to be. I'm still me: dramatic, silly, 5, passionate, good. But I am like a bright and shiny version... I mean that in a good way! I just like the person I am and I want to just enjoy being me. I just started feeling this way this last sunday, so before I go making new best friends or dating anyone, I'm going to deepen the friendships I have, rebuild the ones that need some extra TLC, and enjoy the feeling of being a person I like. I still have the goal to end each day as a better person than I was that morning, and I feel like this'll be something I do till my dying day. Because I mean, I'm not Jesus. I still have room to grow :)

I reconnected with an old friend last night/today, someone who really KNOWS me. And it felt very good. Very healthy. AND today I confirmed my auditions for The Wild Party and The Drowsy Chaperone!!!!!!!! I would LOVE to do them both. Wish me luck!

Basically I'm happy!

Friday, November 18, 2011

All we can do is keep breathing, All I can do is keep breathing

This post is... well a lot. And rather personal. Just a warning.

I realized this morning around 3:30 that I have a problem. Anxiety. I couldn't sleep until around 2, then I wake up an hour and a half later from a horrible dream, only to then have a panic attack because I knew I wouldn't be able to wake up for ballet class in 3 hours. I knew this because I know I'll be having this anxiety attack for the next hour, and will finally fall asleep around 5:30.

For anyone who has had an anxiety attack you know how awful it is. It could only last for 5 min, but it feels like it will never ever end. Every thought leads to another one just as stressful as the one before. I thought I could deal with it, because I've been doing pretty good handling it for a bit. I'm not sure why it has suddenly come back with such a vengeance, but its effecting my ability to go to school, hang out with friends, to really do anything. Depressed is NOT what I am. Often anxiety and depression go hand in hand, but I fully know what it feels like to be depressed and I know I am not struggling with depression. First because I am happy almost always EXCEPT when I have an anxiety attack. And because I WANT to do these things that I have anxiety about. I want to go to ballet. I want to go to school. I want to learn all I can about musical theater, about music theory. I want to be the best at what I do and I can't be that if I have anxiety all the time.

So I called the UofU's student counseling center so I can relearn how to get it under control. Some people are prone to pneumonia, I'm prone to anxiety. I wouldn't not treat pneumonia, I'd go get medicine to get better. So thats my plan. The tools I'll be using to cope with this anxiety could mean blogging way more often. Or it could mean not blogging at all for a while. I'm writing this post about it now because, well publishing this means that I am really aware that its a problem. Also my mom will read it and she is the best at holding me to things I say I will do :) As good mothers always are! SO I'm thankful I have the rescourses to help with my anxiety, I'm thankful for my mother, I'm thankful for music, I'm thankful for a lot.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I lit a fuse I can't stop

I made some decisions today.

I am a better person now than I was this morning. I will end everyday this way.

I feel a lot of things, mostly I feel thankful. Feelings of sadness will come and go, but I get to experience so many great things that sadness doesn't stay for long :)

A friend pointed out to me that I'm hard on people. On myself. I don't want to be... I want to be better. Here I go! Again ;) Thats life I guess!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

There will come a time, you'll see

Who knew I could learn SO MUCH in one weekend?! 
Ya know when you find  "the perfect" pair of jeans (i pick jeans because i don't like them much so when I find a perfect pair its pretty amazing). Anyway they are the perfect color, have just the right amount of flair at the bottom, the back pockets sit at just the right spot, AND they are on sale for way less than they are worth. So you go and you put them on and... something just isn't right... I mean they are PERFECT, but they just don't sit right. Something isn't working. So the stars and moon fall from the sky and you have to decide... do I buy them anyway because they are perfect? Or do I put them back because now that I've tried them on I know that perfect as they may be, they just aren't right at this moment. 
So the reason for that analogy is because that just happened in my life. And I believe it happened for both parties involved. It was great, the perfect timing, it was super easy, fun, there was just one hang up... and when it came to the point where we either needed to jump in or walk away... we couldn't jump. Everything happens for a reason. I feel so so lucky to have experienced what I did, because there couldn't have been anything more perfect. It was PERFECT for me. I know I keep using that word but I believe in it. I believe that in this world where most everything is a wreck, there are perfect moments, perfect memories made. And how lucky am I that I got to have those perfect moments? And that I got to have such an incredible person to learn from. I'm not sure how I go so lucky. I'm just thankful I am. Someone said "don't you wish you had met later in life?" and my answer is... no. Because I needed this NOW. I needed to experience what I did, when I did. And because I hope I get to keep this person in my life. 

Now its time for me to practice my music. Again, how lucky am I! 
Up coming auditions:
Wild Party
Drowsy 
Aladdin/Hairspray
Stiletto 
Sound of Music
9 to 5

"And though she be but little, she is fierce." - William Shakespeare 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea, but I'd rather be here than on land

Life has been SO CRAZY lately! Tonight is literally the first night time I've had more than an hour free. I just have so many different projects happening right now, and school is so close to be over that all my classes are intensifying. I have literally been living off coffee for the last few days so it was nice to have a real meal, and a drink other than coffee! :) Its back to the coffee tomorrow though, I get to: find a job, pay about 350 dollars in bills, take three tests at school, choreograph a dance, do 12 shows in a week, complete a project for my gmas birthday and list 10 quilts on ebay. Side note, I might be die from all this.

Today, just now, I saw a picture of Gray and it was so weird... I haven't seen him in over three months and then his picture pops up in my facebook news feed. It was like he wasn't even a real person in my life... Meaning, I looked at it and had such a strange feeling of "I can't believe I ever touched his chin, felt his skin, played with his hair." Not in a bad way but it literally felt like it all happened so long ago that I can't even believe that it did once happen. Haha I probably make no sense at all! It was just that to see a photo of someone I once thought I knew so very well and now know nothing at all about him, it was a strange thing. It didn't bring me any sadness. Which is always a good thing :)

I bought some candles today and when I blow candles out I always make wishes on them... even if it isn't my birthday because I figure why not take every chance I have to make a wish!? I bought three candles and my wishes were:
1. That I would allow myself to have beautiful new experiences and people
2. That my mother would feel joy and peace
3. That Gray would feel true, complete joy and peace

I have just been feeling very good lately. I mean I'm still me and at some point my world ends everyday, but then just as quickly, with a dance class, or a animal picture, or a song my world has started all over again and I'm as happy as can be. I've learned I am THE most dramatic. Oh well :) I'll be learning how to real it in at times in the coming months. But over all I have just been feeling good. Feeling happy. I've pretty recently started dating someone who is just the calmest, nicest, most genuine person. It was really unexpected, I mean we were just really good friends until everyone started asking me if we were dating and all of a sudden I was like "Oh wait... I mean why shouldn't we?" Why not spend time with someone who makes me feel good, and who treats me well? I have learned quiet a bit from this new situation. All I know is that in this moment I am learning, growing and I'm trying to live in this moment. I don't want to live in the past, six months ago, a year ago, all the fears I felt then, the hurt, the love, it isn't here in this moment. Its stuck there, in the past where it should be. I don't want to carry the old fears I had with me into my future. I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over. Which means I get to concur new fears. Whatever I felt in the past I can't carry with me. I can learn from it, I can remember the experience but why bother dwelling on what once was? I don't have yesterday, or tomorrow. I have today. And today I have these people in my life. And today I have these experiences to experience. So carpe diem!!

The last year of my life has been so crazy. I had hoped for so many things that will now never happen. I made so many plans that will never be completed. As I am getting ready for Christmas (I start celebrating November 1st) I was thinking back a year ago... where I was, who I was. Then thinking back to 2008, when I thought my life would end... and it didn't, it got better. Life now is better than it was then. And thinking back to the love I felt last year, the wonderful memories I made, and even though my plans didn't work out and that particular love wont be felt this year, I get to have new plans. I get to feel love for other people. I have a new group of people in my life who have expanded my capacity for love. I love more people this year than I did last year, and that is wonderful. That is joyful.

I mean I'm aware this post was a million hours long, congrats to whoever finishes it, if anyone actually does. You have just sat through a therapy session for me. Because now I feel even better than before I wrote it!! Now I'm off to bed :) Good night!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, you don't love me anymore


Empowered. Forgiven. Forgiving. Loving.
Today I took time to:
Love
Forgive
Accept
Change
Smile
Sing
Remember

Its been a GREAT day. :) And its all ok. Different, unexpected, and ok.

Go run run run, ya its a long way down. But I am closer to the clouds up here

So I wrote a blog full of feelings and whiney things. Then I decided to just say this:

I get to be happy. 
I get to accept what I cannot change and change what I can.
I get to see the truth.
I get to know that some people don't want to be in my life, and thats ok.
I get to know that I deserve the best of everything always.
I get to know that I am incredible. 

Who does it hurt for me to feel like I am incredible? I am. It only creates positive energy when I believe that. It makes me feel better when I believe that about myself, making me kinder, braver, happier. All good things. 

So today I am incredible, strong, happy. Regardless of others actions, words, thoughts.
I am me. If God wanted me to be something else or someone else, He would have. God made me exactly as he wanted. I have the ability to be perfect. Haha now I'll just spend my whole life working to be that perfection. 

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." - D&C 18:10

"You can be excellent in every way. You can be first class. There is no need for you to be a scrub. Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Do not dwell on unkind things others may say about you. Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in you heart. Love life and look for its opportunities." - Gordon B Hinckley