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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

I will not get the chance to say this in person, so I'll say it here. This is MY space. No one can tell me my words, my truth is wrong. This will be all over the place and might make no sense. People will call me crazy or dramatic. But I just don't care.

I can't understand. And we all know how frustrated I become when I can't understand something. It was so clear by your actions that you weren't interested, that I was not important at all. So I decided to step away and let you do you. And in the process I allowed myself to realize that I do have value, that I am important, worthy, kind, loving. You had no interest in fixing things between us. I even reached out to you several times only to be ignored. When you said you would call and never ever did. 
Then I get so many mixed signals I didn't know what to do. You, Confessing your feelings, then when I replied you decided to ignore me. I just don't get this idea of running into my life, dropping bombs and then running away. You know that you were sending the message that you wanted to have some kind of connection, then you run. YOU emailed me. YOU text me. I just don't get it. You didn't want me. And at the first sign of me moving on, starting to do what YOU did without me, I get attacked. 
You were my person. I would never speak to you the way you have spoken to me. I could never. And the anger... I don't get that. I don't feel anger towards you at all. I don't know where that is coming from. I feel just so confused. 
You know exactly what I wanted. I made it so clear to you what I wanted the future to look like.

I am also very aware that its not easy... that I need what I need and I expect everyone to move at my pace. Its frustrating because I have such a hard time seeing the grey in situations. So its hard for me to see how a situation could be and is different for another person. I know. I know I ask things that don't come easily to everyone. You asked me to be there for you for so long while you were working yourself out and when I needed that, when I needed you to let ME be the one who was struggling, I wasn't allowed. I worked with you, did all I knew how to do and in the end it wasn't enough for you. So why. Why come back and throw a bomb in my face and then run away? I waited for you for so long. And you never came back for me. So I dealt with that, I am doing the best I can with the things that have happened. We have both said things weren't supposed to be like this. I have always been open to rewriting, creating a new ending. But it feels like every time you come around to "talk" I end up in tears. I don't want to cry about you anymore. 
You accuse me of lying, while you are lying to my face and to everyone else. Do you really think I haven't heard the your stories. That I haven't heard about your "adventures"? You said "Have fun", and I hope you fun when you take your trip to the east. I know. 
Its like every time I feel like I am so happy, happier than I have been in a long time you sense it and run back to push me down and make me feel awful. No more of that. 
You are a kind good person. I just wish I got to see more of that person. You don't want me in your life and you don't love me. So let me go. Let me be loved by someone who will actually be there for me, who will truly love ME. I would have loved you my whole life. But now that is someone else's path. Just go get the life you really want. You get to have that. You get to be happy. So go and get it. And let go of me so I can do the same. I'm working to create something beautiful here, out of a heartbreak I'm trying to make beauty. Don't destroy it. 

This keeps running through my head:

"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose this. 
I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."


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