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Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm better near to you

Last week, well mostly the end part of it was like this => as;ldkfja;lskdhgvoainvq;ewrfn;alksdhfoqeinvgaekljfna;sdifh;qowiefnaklsdjnfvnqoiweuhf.

Reasons:
-20 hours in a car
-Being so sick I passed out (ok well I didn't go totally black, but I did fall to the ground in pain... maybe I did pass out... whatever)
-Doing a dance show THAT NIGHT (This was so sad because I have wanted to do this Halloween show for SO LONG... then I was awfully sick, sad face.)
-Blowing a tire on the freeway
-Doing two shows on sat while still being sick
-Feeling awful, looking awful, being awful
-Ben asked me "How long do you go without thinking about HIM." I said "You know that song we just listened to? When it was finished I thought 'I didn't think about him once during that song.' thats about how long." Then I explained that in reality I've gone many hours, I mean do I think about it at least once a day. But he and I then talked about how it isn't always a sad, or I miss you thought. But like going through Vegas we both thought "Oh I was here with HIM once."(He thought about his HIM and me mine) Or "Oh HE drives that same car." Not a bad thought, not a good thought... just a thought.

But luckily that was but a small weekend! Today I feel like this => :D
Because:
-I feel so much better!
-I am seeing a movie with a cute boy tonight
-I was able to see my friends at school today
-My mother took such great care of me yesterday :)
-I have leftover homemade chicken noodle soup!
-I worked on a video for my Grandma's 90th birthday and saw so many pictures of her life and of my mom as a little kid
-Fall is FINALLY HERE!
-Group MTP text messaging
-Its sunny but cool enough for a light jacket :)
-I'm the luckiest girl in the world
-The mood swings of sickness are GONE!
-I was able to spend sometime outside of Utah and made some really great connections
-I get to dance the the Darlings again this Friday!! :)

Side note: I LOVE Jen Tarasevich. She has provided so many chances for me to perform in this last year, dancing or singing. Not only that, but she is a FANTASTIC person. I love working with her and hope to continue working with her for a long time.


Also for any new readers, or newer: Every title is the lyric to a song, and its always a song that relates somehow to the post. Not always directly, but it'll be something that I'm feeling, that maybe I didn't feel I could put directly into the post. Some lyrics are my own, most aren't.

Happy day!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Was a prisoner inside now i'm breathing the air

Do you need a pick me up? Go click here. This is my room mates tumbler. When I need to remember important things like to be thankful, or happy, or that things will be ok, or that I'm beautiful, or to smile, haha ya know things like that, I visit her tumbler because I always feel... full after I visit it. Full of good things, and I like that. 


Also also aslo I am so lucky. SO LUCKY. Because I have so many great memories, friends, family, I just have so much. I HAVE SO MUCH!!! I am happy. 


Mom, Tia, Karli, Jaron, Carson, Tanner, Taylor, Shelby, Landon, Dustin, Trevor, Amanda. To these people I say this: Thank you! Thank you a million times over. Some of you I talk to everyday, some of you know everything about me, and some don't know much. This isn't a list of my best friends, but its a list of people who taught me something in the last two weeks. It was kind of a collective teaching but also I learned a lot from individuals. I was so surprised by the last two weeks... they just kinda sprang on me. And looking back on them I learned a lot. 
I learned (among other things) :
People will surprise you
Most people are good/kind
Some people want to bring you down
Most want to bring you up
A friend is always better than an acquaintance
Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing
I'll be ok
Its scary... and its also ok
Connecting with someone can be worth it
Things happen for a reason
When I take a leap of faith and open myself up, 9 times out of 10 the other person will too, making our connection/friendship/relationship stronger and better
Everyone has problems, so its ok if I do
Guilt isn't meant to be felt for more than a minute. Feel it and then do something about it
I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person
Its ok to want things. Its also ok when people don't want to give them to you. Get them yourself. And find someone/people who will assist you getting what you want. 
Knowing exactly what I want doesn't make me overbearing or controlling, it makes me CLEAR. 
Its ok for me to be me. All of me, all the time.


I will be learning these lessons over and over again. Because I forget. And I need to be reminded. But thats ok!!! Because what fun would life be if I learned everything right at once and then didn't learn anything else! Also as I look on the list of things I learned or RElearned, I think they are all pretty important, REALLY important. So its ok that I'll be learning these things over and over. :)


This album right now is on repeat,( Still... Dreaming Wide Awake: The Music of Scott Alan) I am loving every song! It just such a talented group of people and such great songs. I'd like to believe THIS is true. If it is or isn't I'm going to assume it is because its a happier ending and I'm creating a happy life.


I have a happy life. I do what I love, with who I love. I have so much to be thankful for, and I feel so thankful today. :)  

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

I will not get the chance to say this in person, so I'll say it here. This is MY space. No one can tell me my words, my truth is wrong. This will be all over the place and might make no sense. People will call me crazy or dramatic. But I just don't care.

I can't understand. And we all know how frustrated I become when I can't understand something. It was so clear by your actions that you weren't interested, that I was not important at all. So I decided to step away and let you do you. And in the process I allowed myself to realize that I do have value, that I am important, worthy, kind, loving. You had no interest in fixing things between us. I even reached out to you several times only to be ignored. When you said you would call and never ever did. 
Then I get so many mixed signals I didn't know what to do. You, Confessing your feelings, then when I replied you decided to ignore me. I just don't get this idea of running into my life, dropping bombs and then running away. You know that you were sending the message that you wanted to have some kind of connection, then you run. YOU emailed me. YOU text me. I just don't get it. You didn't want me. And at the first sign of me moving on, starting to do what YOU did without me, I get attacked. 
You were my person. I would never speak to you the way you have spoken to me. I could never. And the anger... I don't get that. I don't feel anger towards you at all. I don't know where that is coming from. I feel just so confused. 
You know exactly what I wanted. I made it so clear to you what I wanted the future to look like.

I am also very aware that its not easy... that I need what I need and I expect everyone to move at my pace. Its frustrating because I have such a hard time seeing the grey in situations. So its hard for me to see how a situation could be and is different for another person. I know. I know I ask things that don't come easily to everyone. You asked me to be there for you for so long while you were working yourself out and when I needed that, when I needed you to let ME be the one who was struggling, I wasn't allowed. I worked with you, did all I knew how to do and in the end it wasn't enough for you. So why. Why come back and throw a bomb in my face and then run away? I waited for you for so long. And you never came back for me. So I dealt with that, I am doing the best I can with the things that have happened. We have both said things weren't supposed to be like this. I have always been open to rewriting, creating a new ending. But it feels like every time you come around to "talk" I end up in tears. I don't want to cry about you anymore. 
You accuse me of lying, while you are lying to my face and to everyone else. Do you really think I haven't heard the your stories. That I haven't heard about your "adventures"? You said "Have fun", and I hope you fun when you take your trip to the east. I know. 
Its like every time I feel like I am so happy, happier than I have been in a long time you sense it and run back to push me down and make me feel awful. No more of that. 
You are a kind good person. I just wish I got to see more of that person. You don't want me in your life and you don't love me. So let me go. Let me be loved by someone who will actually be there for me, who will truly love ME. I would have loved you my whole life. But now that is someone else's path. Just go get the life you really want. You get to have that. You get to be happy. So go and get it. And let go of me so I can do the same. I'm working to create something beautiful here, out of a heartbreak I'm trying to make beauty. Don't destroy it. 

This keeps running through my head:

"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose this. 
I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Trying so hard to today to not be scary and damaged. But my heart. But... my heart. I thought I was ready... and I am afraid I'm not. Why is this so hard? Just needing a person. My person. So why aren't they here. 




"Fix You"
Coldplay


When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 




Saturday, October 8, 2011

Thank you

I heard this tonight and couldn't help but relate to it so so much. I mean more the verses than the chorus, but I just feel this song. 

Now its time to party with my amazing friends :) 


"Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

When there's more, so much more. Let me take your hand.

Some have told me I shouldn't support this group, that I shouldn't love their music. But I do. I just love this song. I get it. I mean I just GET it. I feel it. "Every flaw that we see within you and me is beauty". I feel that. I just feel like giving love to everyone, without any strings attached to that love. Haha maybe thats a hippie or out there thought. But I don't care. 


"No Strings"
The Anser

You're choosing words ever so slowly
Holding back, what havent you told me
In your eyes its gonna hurt
The truth we find in lies
Where are you, lost in a tomorrow
As you drown seeing only sorrow
When there's more, so much more
Let me take your hand

And before you say another word
Just trust the love you have is heard
Every flaw that we see within you and me
Is beauty

Cause there are no strings
No fine print at the bottom
No strings
To keep my love around you
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
With no Strings

Your knees are weak
I can see you're barely breathing
In your mind fear has left you thinking
What you have, have to say
Could make me run away


So before you say another word
Just trust the love you have is heard
Every flaw that we see within you and me
Is beauty

Cause there are no strings
No fine print at the bottom
No strings
To keep my love around you
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
With no Strings

Just say what you gotta
Just say what you gotta
Just say what you gotta say
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
And I'll love you anyway
Speak the truth
Speak the truth
And I'll love you anyway


Cause there are no strings
No fine print at the bottom
No strings
To keep my love around you
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
With no Strings

Monday, October 3, 2011

Happy Birthday Dear Jessica

Yesterday was my birthday!! And it couldn't have been better. It was full of love and laughter and smiling and feeling good. I had the best breakfast with THE BEST people. I have some amazing friends. Ones who will change flights so they could make a stop in Utah to see me. Ones who jump on my bed singing Happy Birthday to wake me up. I am so lucky to have them around me, they love me, encourage me to grow and stretch, listen to me, they are just there for me. It feels so good to have people who will come to you and talk it out if there is a problem, or who will always answer their phone or callback. Again I just feel so lucky. (Also I got roses! Birthday flowers are just the best!! Better still when from a cute boy;)

My mother knows how to do birthdays. When I got to her house she had ballons and cupcakes in my favorite flavors and colors!! She always knows how to make someone feel special. We saw an AMAZING movie "50/50" GO SEE IT! I cried and laughed and just left feeling good :) And as always we ate food that was just as amazing :) I must admit I do feel a little spoiled that I get to have my mom around, she is just a 45 min drive away.

The day ended with a meal cooked by handsome men followed by a movie and dessert.

Over all this birthday was so good. So so good. I am the luckiest girl and I know I say that phrase over and over, but I really feel that way. I get to have so many good things in my life. I have so many good memories and I get to make more of them. I feel like I am in the right place doing the right thing. And that makes me feel joyful!!

Have a beautiful day :)