Thursday, September 8, 2011

Time after Time, I find that I'm struggling to tell you whats burning inside

Today has been good good good! I started by sleeping in,  helped some freshman with our music theory class (I love that I am learning all the in's and out's of music, I'll be a pro at sight reading and theory in no time :) 
Then I had jazz. Please understand that the two jazz classes I take are three of my favorite hours of my whole week. I so wish I had jazz everyday. I love my teacher. I love what I am learning, and I am loving the changes in my body. Already I am seeing a difference! :) Followed by script analysis, which isn't my favorite but I sat by two handsome wonderful men (Carson Twitchell and my new friend Preston) who kept me laughing the whole time. 
Which also reminds me CARSON IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is just the greatest, I think he is so wonderful and just feel good when I am around him. I love you Cars! :) 

I had two days that were less than great, but I decided two days was enough for me. Enough to feel it out, get to the heart of the matter and work it out. Everything in life is so simple. Not always easy (although if I allow it to be, many more things can be easy) but it is so true that life is simple. 
Does this thing encourage me to feel good or bad? What do I want to feel? Then decide if it can stay in my life or not. Does this person treat me how I want to be treated? No? Then change it. All I can do is ask others to join me on my... quest if you will, to live the happiest life. 
If they continually and knowingly do the exact opposite of that, then its simple to see the answer. They are not willing to assist in that my cause, so I will go my own way. No big drama, no calling names. Just simply... I have asked, you have made your decisions, and I am making mine. 

I've been working on this thought, turning it over and over in my mind: I believe that almost every emotion boils down to these: loss/grief, betrayal, love, fear, joy. I am still developing this idea for me, but I think, any other emotion comes from those basic 5, or are a result of any combination of those 5. I have been using this in my acting lately.
For example, have I ever experienced the death of a husband? No. But have I felt the loss of love and the loss of life? Yes. THAT is what human beings can relate to, where I can align my feeling and say "Yes i know what this character is feeling, she feels sadness because of love lost and life lost. I know exactly what that feels like." I can't always relate to everyones life directly, but I can relate to those 5 basic emotions. More thoughts to come on this I'm sure.
I have had a few ask why "anger" isn't on my list... I don't think it belongs there because I feel that anger is a mask for feelings of loss, or betrayal or fear. I use anger as a mak when I no longer trust the person I'm "angry" at. I don't feel as though I can trust them with my feelings of "I feel betrayed by you" Or "I feel sadness because of the loss I feel." So I suppose anger is an easier, less vulnerable way to express how I'm feeling without having to expose those deep, vulnerable feelings. I'm learning that to be an actor I need to not only trust those I'm working with, but the audience. Because I'm using those 5 basic emotions and I am exposing the most real, raw emotions I have... making me totally vulnerable. I find that vaccinating, scary and exciting. 


  1. Love your vulberability! Cant wait to see you tonight!

  2. You are so great. You have no idea. Betrayal and loss are the hardest emotions to feel but the fact you aren't angry but recognize what you really feel is sorrow because of your loss is quite amazing. You deserve someone that realizes that you are really incredible. You are.

  3. I just love you and am so proud of you. This is the beautiful woman I know that really spreads light and love instead of those that only claim that they do. I've been on the sidelines of this nearly four year journey and watched all the really good things, but also the lies, betrayals, ignoring, abuse, it's happened before . . . just go to my blog and you will see what I have to say about it all! But I know that you know this person better than anyone and know the best and worst things and always believed the best. Through every sadness, you come out stronger and better. You are going to love a man that will want to make you happy every day of your life and you will do the same, a man that wants to really spread light and love and would never intentionally bring so much pain. I am so happy that you are feeling positive about your choice. It's sad that people will take advantage of this situation instead of simply waitng and letting feelings and emotions subside a little. You are really something you know. You are kind. You are smart. You are forgiveness. You are love.