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Friday, September 30, 2011

In Your Eyes, its Gonna Hurt. The Truth We Find in Lies.

Somtimes I hate facebook. Without looking for something I stumble upon what I have been trying to avoid. I wish I didn't love the song "No Strings"... But I do. Maybe its because I know part of it is about me... literally. At least when it was written it was.  I wish all the good things in the world for them, for him. I wish happiness, love, passion, authentic connections. "But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?" I can't pretend my heart does't ache sometimes. 

Its kinda weird to love my life so much... because I'm used to feeling anxiety or like my life isn't how I want it, or that so many things are going wrong OR I'll be totally on the flip side, things will be perfect, I'll feel no pain. But where I am now I am feeling so much love and appreciation for what is happening in my life. I love going to school and learning. I love being in My Fair Lady. I love my friends. I love my family. I love feeling happy every single day. I love thinking I am the luckiest girl. I love my apartment. I just really feel like things are moving in the right direction... maybe growing is a better word, things are growing in the right direction. And even in the moment when I watched the no strings video, when I was crying and feeling anxiety, I now feel happy that I don't have to feel that way all the time. I feel so happy that I can have five min of sadness and then continue feeling happy... Because there have been times in my life when I couldn't feel anything but sadness. So the fact that it was only five min in the last week... well that is great. 

I am not easy. I expect a lot. Because I'm willing to give that much back. I know that does't always work for people. I just don't know how to be something I'm not... I don't know how to not feel passionate or how to not want what I want. I thought I just was this way in romantic relationships, but I'm not in one, and I can see that I do this with everyone. 

I am learning that I get to have so many beautiful experiences and not cut them short just because they might not be what I want in the end. No I don't want to live in Utah forever... but why spend my time here thinking about how I can't wait to leave? Wouldn't my time be served better by enjoying it while I am here? Can this... situation, really go anywhere... probably not but, does that mean I can't enjoy it for what it is? We probably wont be friends forever, but does that mean I should cut that person out of my life just? NO! Because who knows what I will create. Who knows what will happen. I get to enjoy what IS and WHAT I MAKE. I love creating and how great that I can create a whole life full of different people, places, memories, relationships, friendships, families. :):) I am the luckiest. 

Todays soundtrack is:
After the Storm - Mumford & Sons
Be Calm - FUN
Next 2 You - Bieber and Chris Brown
It Girl - Jason Derulo
Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

Also GO GET GAVIN DEGRAWS NEW MUSIC!!!! He has always been a favorite of mine and I am loving his new stuff. 

I feel so good after just writing some of my thoughts! Thank you blogger :) And readers! :) Sorry this is the most rambling randomness post. Sometimes its just needed.

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