Friday, September 30, 2011

In Your Eyes, its Gonna Hurt. The Truth We Find in Lies.

Somtimes I hate facebook. Without looking for something I stumble upon what I have been trying to avoid. I wish I didn't love the song "No Strings"... But I do. Maybe its because I know part of it is about me... literally. At least when it was written it was.  I wish all the good things in the world for them, for him. I wish happiness, love, passion, authentic connections. "But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?" I can't pretend my heart does't ache sometimes. 

Its kinda weird to love my life so much... because I'm used to feeling anxiety or like my life isn't how I want it, or that so many things are going wrong OR I'll be totally on the flip side, things will be perfect, I'll feel no pain. But where I am now I am feeling so much love and appreciation for what is happening in my life. I love going to school and learning. I love being in My Fair Lady. I love my friends. I love my family. I love feeling happy every single day. I love thinking I am the luckiest girl. I love my apartment. I just really feel like things are moving in the right direction... maybe growing is a better word, things are growing in the right direction. And even in the moment when I watched the no strings video, when I was crying and feeling anxiety, I now feel happy that I don't have to feel that way all the time. I feel so happy that I can have five min of sadness and then continue feeling happy... Because there have been times in my life when I couldn't feel anything but sadness. So the fact that it was only five min in the last week... well that is great. 

I am not easy. I expect a lot. Because I'm willing to give that much back. I know that does't always work for people. I just don't know how to be something I'm not... I don't know how to not feel passionate or how to not want what I want. I thought I just was this way in romantic relationships, but I'm not in one, and I can see that I do this with everyone. 

I am learning that I get to have so many beautiful experiences and not cut them short just because they might not be what I want in the end. No I don't want to live in Utah forever... but why spend my time here thinking about how I can't wait to leave? Wouldn't my time be served better by enjoying it while I am here? Can this... situation, really go anywhere... probably not but, does that mean I can't enjoy it for what it is? We probably wont be friends forever, but does that mean I should cut that person out of my life just? NO! Because who knows what I will create. Who knows what will happen. I get to enjoy what IS and WHAT I MAKE. I love creating and how great that I can create a whole life full of different people, places, memories, relationships, friendships, families. :):) I am the luckiest. 

Todays soundtrack is:
After the Storm - Mumford & Sons
Be Calm - FUN
Next 2 You - Bieber and Chris Brown
It Girl - Jason Derulo
Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

Also GO GET GAVIN DEGRAWS NEW MUSIC!!!! He has always been a favorite of mine and I am loving his new stuff. 

I feel so good after just writing some of my thoughts! Thank you blogger :) And readers! :) Sorry this is the most rambling randomness post. Sometimes its just needed.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I feel like the girl I thought I'd never find

I had never heard of Katie Thompson until last night... and I am OBSESSED! I love the fullness of her voice, her emotion. Ugh she is SO TALENTED!!! A lot of broadway singers right now are so.... light or bright or... lacking supstance. Even Natalie Weiss (who I am a fan of) doesn't have this kind of substance. It is so refreshing to hear. LOVE HER. 

Its been a really good week. REALLY GOOD. I spent time with my amazing friends, did lots of homework, aced a few tests, ;), felt happy, felt giddy, laughed, smiled, sang, danced... in school and in my room, I just was LIVING! And I'm dance captain for my cast at Hale! I mean its not a huge deal, but lets be honest I'm excited about it! I LOVE the choreographer so I think I'm excited because she picked me! Haha I am silly I know :) 

I've made lots of realizations this week. No need to go into them because all that is important is this: I am happy almost always. I feel the things I need to. I HAVE HOPE. I know I can do everything I want to do. I get to do it. Maybe my path has been and will be different than what I had planned or wanted, but that doesn't mean it can be beautiful. 

(as performed by Katie Thompson)
Isn't this, you know, kind of crazy?
A part of me finds it hard to believe.
Two adults, no yelling, no blaming:
For everything that came between

You look good, and I hear you're quite successful.
I always knew you would be.
Your children look just like you
and your wife is quite beautiful and ... Oh, me?

Well, I met a guy from St. Louis.
Kind of came out nowhere, but he's nice.
I was on tour and he asked me out after one show and
I thought maybe I should give it a try.

And suddenly I felt like a girl in college once again
Similar to the feelings I'd get with you.
The butterflies inside, the constant tongue ties, and
I thought, maybe this could be good...

And now 
With him I just fall again.
With him,
With him I just feel again.
With him
I come alive.
I feel like the girl
I thought I'd never find.
With him I just love again

I used to believe
That we'd be together for eternity.
It was hard to see
That future wasn't for you and me.

Remember when we laid in the park to soak up the sun and
How scared you were of all the pigeons?
You were convinced they were on a mission to chase you out 
And as we kissed, I think one pooped in your hair.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to get nostalgic and all, but
Look, there are things I want to know.
Like - how did you and your wife meet? 
and - did you end up proposing on a beach?
I know that's how you wanted ours to go.

To tell you the truth
Being here with you is so strange.
As you sip your coffee I feel my heart rearrange.
I'm afraid ... so afraid. 
You smile, and you laugh, and you still give me hope.
The what ifs and could beens, what we'll never know.
I wish I was stronger, I'm sorry...
I need to go

Cause with you
I just fall again
With you I just ...
With you, I just feel again
With you
I come alive
I feel like the girl I used to like.
With you I just ... 
With him I must ...
With you I just love again.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Who would have known how bitter sweet this would taste

Today was the day. The day I got news about... "it"(thats what I'll call it for now) And I thought I'd be upset. Maybe wish not nice things... but I had a terrific day. Today I got to sing songs I love and learn a hard/amazing dance from a hip hop dancer from LA and I got to audition for a musical. AND I spent two hours just talking about anything and everything... haha literally, with someone I just adore! It was just a great day where I got to connect with people, do what I love and got to learn a few new things.

This news, "it", wasn't unexpected... although it was denied in the past few months. Sometimes you know. People can say its not happening, but when you know, you just know. All I feel is... well I feel a lot, but I think its what I don't feel that is important. I do not feel bitter, sad, angry, mad. I do feel a loss. I do wish some more time had elapsed. But I feel hope. And I feel thankful that I got to/get to put my heart back together the right way this time. My WHOLE heart.

Church. All I can say is that I've been going and reading and thinking and praying. And I realized what a major piece of my heart was torn out when I questioned things, that part is healing now. I still have questions, but I'm asking the right ones to the right Person. I'll figure this out. I'm already on my way.

"I wish nothing but the best for you two." 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Wasted on fixing all the problems That you made in your own head"

I've been listening to the bands "Mumford & Sons" and "Fun" nonstop lately. 
"Be Calm" by FUN was shown to me by Carson and I've been listening to them more and more since.
Mumford & Sons has such a great sound! Something I haven't heard before. 
I'm loving "Little Lion Man" and "Winter Winds" and "After the storm" and... haha well I just love the whole album. 

I found these on a site called "". They made me smile... so here they are,
I'm hoping they'll make you smile too :) 

Today I feel: smart, talented, important, noticed, beautiful, happy, kind, hopeful, grateful, supportive, strong, appreciated, determined. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Time after Time, I find that I'm struggling to tell you whats burning inside

Today has been good good good! I started by sleeping in,  helped some freshman with our music theory class (I love that I am learning all the in's and out's of music, I'll be a pro at sight reading and theory in no time :) 
Then I had jazz. Please understand that the two jazz classes I take are three of my favorite hours of my whole week. I so wish I had jazz everyday. I love my teacher. I love what I am learning, and I am loving the changes in my body. Already I am seeing a difference! :) Followed by script analysis, which isn't my favorite but I sat by two handsome wonderful men (Carson Twitchell and my new friend Preston) who kept me laughing the whole time. 
Which also reminds me CARSON IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is just the greatest, I think he is so wonderful and just feel good when I am around him. I love you Cars! :) 

I had two days that were less than great, but I decided two days was enough for me. Enough to feel it out, get to the heart of the matter and work it out. Everything in life is so simple. Not always easy (although if I allow it to be, many more things can be easy) but it is so true that life is simple. 
Does this thing encourage me to feel good or bad? What do I want to feel? Then decide if it can stay in my life or not. Does this person treat me how I want to be treated? No? Then change it. All I can do is ask others to join me on my... quest if you will, to live the happiest life. 
If they continually and knowingly do the exact opposite of that, then its simple to see the answer. They are not willing to assist in that my cause, so I will go my own way. No big drama, no calling names. Just simply... I have asked, you have made your decisions, and I am making mine. 

I've been working on this thought, turning it over and over in my mind: I believe that almost every emotion boils down to these: loss/grief, betrayal, love, fear, joy. I am still developing this idea for me, but I think, any other emotion comes from those basic 5, or are a result of any combination of those 5. I have been using this in my acting lately.
For example, have I ever experienced the death of a husband? No. But have I felt the loss of love and the loss of life? Yes. THAT is what human beings can relate to, where I can align my feeling and say "Yes i know what this character is feeling, she feels sadness because of love lost and life lost. I know exactly what that feels like." I can't always relate to everyones life directly, but I can relate to those 5 basic emotions. More thoughts to come on this I'm sure.
I have had a few ask why "anger" isn't on my list... I don't think it belongs there because I feel that anger is a mask for feelings of loss, or betrayal or fear. I use anger as a mak when I no longer trust the person I'm "angry" at. I don't feel as though I can trust them with my feelings of "I feel betrayed by you" Or "I feel sadness because of the loss I feel." So I suppose anger is an easier, less vulnerable way to express how I'm feeling without having to expose those deep, vulnerable feelings. I'm learning that to be an actor I need to not only trust those I'm working with, but the audience. Because I'm using those 5 basic emotions and I am exposing the most real, raw emotions I have... making me totally vulnerable. I find that vaccinating, scary and exciting. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Like a Skyscraper

Not ready. I am not ready.

I wrote a blog... But then my feelings changed. Then they changed again.

I felt good about myself this week. I felt happy, worthy, smart, kind, pretty, lovable.

I didn't think it would be thrown in my face so soon. I mean I clearly got the message... do you need to keep sending it over and over?

But I felt a high yesterday and the day before... like I haven't felt in a long long time.

Why am I the one who was exempt from the love, light and authenticity you supposedly stand for? I felt no love, no light and no authenticity. I didn't ask for any promises, I ask for truth.

I am smart. I am kind. I am important.

I am. I am. I am.