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Saturday, July 30, 2011

I don't know where, Confused about how as well

Remember when we were kids and forgiving people and trusting them was as natural as breathing? And how someone coudl just say "sorry" and all was right in the world again? True, so maybe no one was completely shattering my heart at age 5, but why can't it be that easy now? Why can  things hurt and wound so deep that trust seems like this unattainable thing that only exists in fairy tales. Why isn't my life that fairy tale?1

I'm feeling a little blue today because I am learning that rebuilding trust is so hard. It requires me to remember why I lost trust in the first place. I feel like I'm kinda reliving all the horror of the last few months because I'm trying to build back trust. And what kinda makes me angry is this: why am I the one crying about this? Why can someone come in, mess up all your emotions, break your heart and then six months later be working toward gaining trust yet they don't feel pain... Why is it always the person in my place that feels the pain and who has to wrestle with the issues for what feels like a lifetime? How is that fair? I didn't do anything wrong...Well you know what I mean. I was fine and put back together and whole, until I decided to build trust. Now I feel like I've been set back months.

So here I lay in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy when I should be packing.

ALSO. Anxiety. Why does that exist? I see one building, hear one line of a song, or someone says on word and I'm in tears. Feeling SUCKS. But at least I'm feeling right? "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Haha not so sure if I always agree with that statement, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm hurting right now. Because I feel like I'm facing down more than just this one issue. I'm facing issues I've had for a long time and just never had the guts to deal with before now. So forgive the sad posts, forgive the sappy love songs. Be kind with me, I'm trying to heal. And I've got lots of ground to cover.

Last thought. I love that I can feel the sadness, roughness, painfulness of mending this all but not feel consumed by it. I am not depressed. I am not always sad. I'm just feeling. And just like I have waves of being so happy in a day to just being good then I'll be feeling hilarious, I'm doing that but I'm not ignoring the hard feelings. I'm feeling them. So yay! And also boo. Haha I feel like this was probably such a confusing post, but WELCOME TO MY LIFE!

"Those three words are said to much, they're not enough." - Snow Patrol

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