Saturday, July 30, 2011

I don't know where, Confused about how as well

Remember when we were kids and forgiving people and trusting them was as natural as breathing? And how someone coudl just say "sorry" and all was right in the world again? True, so maybe no one was completely shattering my heart at age 5, but why can't it be that easy now? Why can  things hurt and wound so deep that trust seems like this unattainable thing that only exists in fairy tales. Why isn't my life that fairy tale?1

I'm feeling a little blue today because I am learning that rebuilding trust is so hard. It requires me to remember why I lost trust in the first place. I feel like I'm kinda reliving all the horror of the last few months because I'm trying to build back trust. And what kinda makes me angry is this: why am I the one crying about this? Why can someone come in, mess up all your emotions, break your heart and then six months later be working toward gaining trust yet they don't feel pain... Why is it always the person in my place that feels the pain and who has to wrestle with the issues for what feels like a lifetime? How is that fair? I didn't do anything wrong...Well you know what I mean. I was fine and put back together and whole, until I decided to build trust. Now I feel like I've been set back months.

So here I lay in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy when I should be packing.

ALSO. Anxiety. Why does that exist? I see one building, hear one line of a song, or someone says on word and I'm in tears. Feeling SUCKS. But at least I'm feeling right? "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Haha not so sure if I always agree with that statement, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm hurting right now. Because I feel like I'm facing down more than just this one issue. I'm facing issues I've had for a long time and just never had the guts to deal with before now. So forgive the sad posts, forgive the sappy love songs. Be kind with me, I'm trying to heal. And I've got lots of ground to cover.

Last thought. I love that I can feel the sadness, roughness, painfulness of mending this all but not feel consumed by it. I am not depressed. I am not always sad. I'm just feeling. And just like I have waves of being so happy in a day to just being good then I'll be feeling hilarious, I'm doing that but I'm not ignoring the hard feelings. I'm feeling them. So yay! And also boo. Haha I feel like this was probably such a confusing post, but WELCOME TO MY LIFE!

"Those three words are said to much, they're not enough." - Snow Patrol

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

But does that screaming come from me?

I'm "pre-period". For any woman I'm sure you know what that means... Crying over the store not having your favorite garlic bagels, and losing your favorite pen. Pretty much just feeling crazy. But here's a thought... Could it be that in this week when I feel "crazy", what if that is normal. What I'm meaning to say is women today get the bad rap of being "crazy" or "over emotional", but how can that be real? How can someone FEEL to much? Isn't that ridiculous? Why is the norm, desensitized unfeeling cold and hard? Does that seem normal? Doesn't everyone just want love and happiness and success? I don't feel like any of those things are cold or unfeeling. So hear this world I FEEL AND I LIKE IT! I don't want to be crying all day everyday and I don't want to be sweating sunshine and rainbows 24/7. But yes I do want to feel. There isn't anything wrong with feel sad or down as long as it isn't a perpetual thing. And there isn't anything "wrong with me". I often hate hearing "Whats wrong?". Nothings wrong. I'm busy feeling, will you please stop asking me stupid questions? Thanks
Anyway here is a song I haven't stopped singing all day. I'm in a Dave Matthews fix right now. Sing on Dave. 

"So Damn Lucky"

Everything's different
My head in the clouds

I hit this corner
With my foot on the gass
I started sliding, I lose it
Everything's different just like that

Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
So damn lucky, when went on ahead
You say, you say
I see you later
I heard what you said a few minutes later
I'm sliding
Everything's different, again

Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
This frozen heart
Screaming wheels
But does that screaming come from me?
I'm dizzy from all this spinning
Now I'm thinking that you did all you could
When you said my love
Take it slowly
Ok, is what I said
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
But does that screaming come from me?
Take me back, just before I was spinning
Take me back, just before I got dizzy
Take me back, amazing what a minute can do
Just like you
So, so, so, so, up, around, around, around
Amazing what a minute can do
Around, Around, Around

Friday, July 15, 2011

Everything's coming up Roses for me and for YOU!

Things have been rocking lately. I was cast in this show:
And let me just say I am THRILLED! I was a little nervous because...well because often I buy into the words people say, words like "blacklisted". Turns out I should and get to have more faith in things other than words. When I go forward believing the Universe will provide things I want and would learn from, I am able to see past and get past blockades that I myself allowed to be built. And I am excited to work with this theater, and with a different type of "theater" crowd. I think it will be so good for me :)

I'm heading into the second weekend of performances for this show:
What a joy this has been! A struggle sometimes yes, but even with the long long hours and at times frustrations I've felt, I am happy to be working with some amazingly talented people. I truly love everyone involved in the show. I get to be around people who push me and make me think twice, who share their talents freely and who are just all around beautiful people. 

I was also asked to be a part of a new show, a show that I am seriously excited for. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say about it... so stay tuned for more info but lets just say it's going to be packed full of dancing, singing, hot costumes, beautiful women and lots of positive energy :) A show which hopefully will take me around the world! Because if anyone can make that happen, the beautiful director of this show can!

I saw Harry Potter last night!
And contrary to what this poster says, it does not all end and it didn't all end. Harry Potter will live on forever! Haha maybe I sound silly, but I feel like I grew up with Harry and the gang. I loved the books and always got them the day the came out, I would even go to the midnight release party for the books and movies. So Yes I am sad that we don't get to learn more about Harry and wont have full books, we got 7 books filled with his story! And movies! So how lucky that I can relive that anytime I want!

Happy day to all :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Maybe everyone has hunger like this, and the hunger will pass, but I can't think like that

For Carson, I love you more than words can say. I hope your heart is lifted if only for a moment.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart, this you will build your life by, and this you will become."

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body"
-C.S. Lewis

"As human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. In the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope"

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places"

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

"Self is what gives breath to Life.
You need not search for It, It is Here.
You are what you are looking for!" Poonjaji

"You do the right thing even if it hurts, because life isn't about being happy, it's about being worthy of happiness."

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." Aristotle"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything." Plato

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.Robert Francis Kennedy
"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

Sunday, July 10, 2011

So strong, just the way I'm supposed to be

Its to late for me to write a full complete entry, so I shall just jump around talking about what is in my head.

1. I WILL have an organized clean house by wednesday. I can't take it anymore!

2. I'm so content with life right now. I sometimes don't like using that word, but it fits. Things aren't perfect and I'm still working out somethings but I so enjoy where I am and what's going on for me.

3. I have a new found faith in the phrase "all things happen for a reason", but also in "things DONT happen for a reason."

4. Nothing is "bad". Saying that is a bit hard because clearly things like murder and wrong. But what I mean is that typically in my life things aren't actually "bad". They teach me something, I get to experience something new and then go on to a new experience. All things can be good if I make them so.

5. I can see a day when I could trust again. I am not there, but for a while I thought I'd never trust anyone deeply and fully again. But its coming. I can feel myself opening up to people who belong in my life. And I can feel that someday... hopefully sooner than later, trust will return to my life.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

We are Gods of stories, but please tell me what there's to complain about

I haven't blogged in a while! Haha well maybe it hasn't been that long, but long for me :)
Lots has been happening. Lots.

I have a full time job now! Which I am loving. I work with some amazing girls who are smart, beautiful, sweet and so funny. I'm having fun connecting with them and making new friends. Also whats great about this job is that I can save up money for moving to LA! But my dad just propositioned me with this offer "If you stay and finish school this year, I'll pay and help you out when you move to LA." WOW. That is huge.
I spoke to a dear....friend.... about this and they said I could use this year to finish school and start building my film resume in Utah. Considering how much film work is done here it would be easy to build my resume and to live cheaper while getting great training. So I feel like I'm going to do that. Stay here and finish up while also building up my film resume.

Gypsy opens tonight! Well its a "preview" but we have an audience and all. I have really liked getting to work with the cast. We have some really amazing and talented people. I find myself watching people in awe while they are on stage, like if I stare hard enough I'll soak up some of their talent. Haha here's hoping! :)

My heart is trying something new. I am reserving special places for special people who decide that its worth the effort to be in my heart. Who deserve to be there. This doesn't mean I don't speak to, or am not friends with people. I just understand the levels of friendship or more correctly the levels of relationships I have with people. Every relationship is different and that's ok. Its also ok that I feel what I feel and act accordingly. So if someone doesn't take the time to make a connection with me or build a real relationship and friendship that's ok, but they don't get a piece of me to take with them. I guess I've learned when to fully invest into a relationship and when to see that being fully invested a) will only work when both parties are b)could end up hurting more than helping c)just isn't worth it anymore. I've made this change because when I care, I care deeply. When I love I love deeply. I am passionate and I need to take responsibly for that passion and not dish it out and use it on anyone who walks into my life. And especially those who walk in and decide to walk out.

I also see that I have a serious problem with Time management. Ok maybe problem isn't the word.... uh lets just say I am not great at it. It is not a skill I have fully developed. Why I didn't get that from my mom I'll never know, she is a champion at it. So pretty much I always say yes to everything, think I'll be ok and then end up being awake for 18 or 19 hours and sleeping for 5. Not a winning combo. So I'll be email my mom right now to ask for a list of good ways to manage my time!

Last thought before I leave: