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Monday, June 20, 2011

Right on the edge of something final we call life

Holy mixed emotions!

The last little bit has been fabulous, nerve racking, exciting, loving, romantic, stressful, unexpected, a stretch.

I feel like normally I am pretty calm and rational. I am able to roll with the punches and deal with people and situations that could be awkward or sticky. But I'm about to lose it! I feel that I might slip up, or I guess slip back would be the correct phrase. I might slip into my "nerd". Ya know all those qualities that I have and normally chose to leave out of my everyday life, like jealousy, insecurity,overpowering, things like that. I can deal with a lot, but when I hear people taking digs at me I hate it. I hate when someone feels the need to take a dig at me in order to make themselves look more attractive. It just feels so.....low. It not a good feeling. Luckily I am aware that its happening which actually give me an awesome chance to work on ME! On how I decide to act. I could react and say things back, or I could take those words let them roll off and move forward. Because I am aware that this is happening I get the chance to deal with it. I get to learn from it. So I am happy about that.

Also, everyday I'm learning how black and white I see the world. Things in my eyes are right or wrong. We are friends or we aren't. I like you or I don't. You're in or you're out. Things are good or bad. When I'm sad I am very sad, when I'm happy I'm very happy. Which for me works great. It simplifies my life a lot but, its difficult sometimes for me to understand that not all people view the world that way. Some struggle to find black and white in a world where they see only gray. "How is it so easy for you?" people ask me, referring to me having feelings about something or making a decision. Which is funny because for me my answer is, "Well because it just is. Things are easy... or not... and for me seeing black and white is easy. Knowing what I want is easy because I decide if the thing is good or bad and if I do or don't want it in my life." All things are simple in my life. Easy? No. But simple.

If you walk away and someone doesn't come after you, that's a sign. If someone doesn't chase you, that means they aren't ever going to. Standing and waiting for someone to love you or want you doesn't work. I've learned this lesson a few times in my life. And luckily its one that I haven't had to relearn lately. If someone isn't interested in having me in their life I walk away, I understand that timing could be wrong or that a relationship, friendship or otherwise, just isn't in the cards. The only people worth having in your life are those that make sure you know they want you in theirs and those that make it a point to prove that to you. I'm thankful for those people in my life, who prove year in and year out that at the end of the day they want me. They want to have me in their life. And no, I don't NEED that. But it sure is a nice feeling.

Random, off blog topic: I am so thankful for my brother Matthew. Without going into much detail I'll just say that about a week ago we almost lost him forever. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if he had been taken away. We haven't been close in a while to be honest. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned from him. Even this latest tragedy brought me to a new realization that has made me more appreciate of life. I pray that his sadness will lift. That his heart will be joyful again. Matthew taught me so much about myself and about family. I'm not good at expressing emotions, but because of him and because of this, I have a new realization of how important it is to express what you do feel, because who knows what will happen. People can slip away in a moment and you'll never have the chance to tell them how much you cared.

Everyday I become more grateful for where I am. I am enjoying where I am, who I am and what I am doing. I seriously feel so lucky to have the life I have. I have some of the worlds greatest friends, a family who teaches me and would do anything to support me, I feel so much love, I feel happy, I feel joyful.

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