Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen

“Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.”
—Baby (Jennifer Grey) to Johnny (Patrick Swayze).
“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal) to Sally (Meg Ryan)
“It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together … and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home. .. only to no home I’d ever known … I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like … magic.”
—Sam (Tom Hanks)

So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.”
—Noah (Ryan Gosling) to Allie (Rachel McAdams)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

There's a saying old says that love is blind...

I am obsessed at the moment with "". Everytime I read it I laugh and cry. Literally.

It's got me thinking what I would say to younger Jessica. I'd say a lot... Like always. Probably I'd say "I'd tell you not to love to deeply but your heart will anyway. I'd tell you to follow your heart, but you have been. I'd tell you to be happy above all else, but your trying to be. And I'd tell you to follow your dreams, but you have a lifetime to do that. Love yourself. Love who you love. Don't apologize for feeling. Choose happiness first. Not success, fame, money or pride. Above all choose happiness and love."

But then again I still am "younger me" I am not a grown up. I have much growing yet to do. So maybe for now this can be "dear current me".

Monday, June 20, 2011

Right on the edge of something final we call life

Holy mixed emotions!

The last little bit has been fabulous, nerve racking, exciting, loving, romantic, stressful, unexpected, a stretch.

I feel like normally I am pretty calm and rational. I am able to roll with the punches and deal with people and situations that could be awkward or sticky. But I'm about to lose it! I feel that I might slip up, or I guess slip back would be the correct phrase. I might slip into my "nerd". Ya know all those qualities that I have and normally chose to leave out of my everyday life, like jealousy, insecurity,overpowering, things like that. I can deal with a lot, but when I hear people taking digs at me I hate it. I hate when someone feels the need to take a dig at me in order to make themselves look more attractive. It just feels so.....low. It not a good feeling. Luckily I am aware that its happening which actually give me an awesome chance to work on ME! On how I decide to act. I could react and say things back, or I could take those words let them roll off and move forward. Because I am aware that this is happening I get the chance to deal with it. I get to learn from it. So I am happy about that.

Also, everyday I'm learning how black and white I see the world. Things in my eyes are right or wrong. We are friends or we aren't. I like you or I don't. You're in or you're out. Things are good or bad. When I'm sad I am very sad, when I'm happy I'm very happy. Which for me works great. It simplifies my life a lot but, its difficult sometimes for me to understand that not all people view the world that way. Some struggle to find black and white in a world where they see only gray. "How is it so easy for you?" people ask me, referring to me having feelings about something or making a decision. Which is funny because for me my answer is, "Well because it just is. Things are easy... or not... and for me seeing black and white is easy. Knowing what I want is easy because I decide if the thing is good or bad and if I do or don't want it in my life." All things are simple in my life. Easy? No. But simple.

If you walk away and someone doesn't come after you, that's a sign. If someone doesn't chase you, that means they aren't ever going to. Standing and waiting for someone to love you or want you doesn't work. I've learned this lesson a few times in my life. And luckily its one that I haven't had to relearn lately. If someone isn't interested in having me in their life I walk away, I understand that timing could be wrong or that a relationship, friendship or otherwise, just isn't in the cards. The only people worth having in your life are those that make sure you know they want you in theirs and those that make it a point to prove that to you. I'm thankful for those people in my life, who prove year in and year out that at the end of the day they want me. They want to have me in their life. And no, I don't NEED that. But it sure is a nice feeling.

Random, off blog topic: I am so thankful for my brother Matthew. Without going into much detail I'll just say that about a week ago we almost lost him forever. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if he had been taken away. We haven't been close in a while to be honest. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned from him. Even this latest tragedy brought me to a new realization that has made me more appreciate of life. I pray that his sadness will lift. That his heart will be joyful again. Matthew taught me so much about myself and about family. I'm not good at expressing emotions, but because of him and because of this, I have a new realization of how important it is to express what you do feel, because who knows what will happen. People can slip away in a moment and you'll never have the chance to tell them how much you cared.

Everyday I become more grateful for where I am. I am enjoying where I am, who I am and what I am doing. I seriously feel so lucky to have the life I have. I have some of the worlds greatest friends, a family who teaches me and would do anything to support me, I feel so much love, I feel happy, I feel joyful.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Just think of lovely things. And your heart will fly on wings

This is a song I wrote called "Neverland". I was inspired to put it up after reading a blog of someone who is dear to my heart. If you know the real story of Peter Pan then you know that Peter decides to stay in Neverland and never grow up... which is heartbreaking for Wendy and Truthfully for Peter also. Wendy knows she doesn't want to stay in Neverland and Peter is torn between going back with Wendy or staying where he is comfortable. I've always cried and cried when I read Peter Pan, see the musical or the live movie because I have always felt like Peter lacks courage. And so he'll always be the same, never getting any better or worse. Which for me is the worst. So this song is about experiencing that with a person. Knowing that you don't belong in Neverland and that you don't want to stay there, but also knowing Peter might not have the courage to follow a new star. There are a lot of Peter Pan referencesobviously (darling, thimble, plank, fairy) I am working on a less obvious version of the song. I'll post that when its finished. Thanks for reading :)

We don’t have to be like Peter Pan and Wendy
You don’t have to leave me lonely, when we both know I’m your only
Please take this thimble from me now, want to make it last but how
You could take me to Neverland, show me your Neverland

I’ve walked every plank for you
I played in every story for you
I love it when you take me in, Darling please understand
I’ll open up, just let me in, ready for this to start again
But You’re stuck in Neverland

I cant keep following you past the second star to the right
I’ve been following this light of yours, walking through your open doors
Yes this twisted road you’re on, one more twist and I’ll be gone
It’s beautiful when you look and see, nothings better than you and me

I’ve walked every plank for you
I played in every story for you
I love it when you take me in, Darling please understand
I’ll open up, just let me in, I’m ready for this to start again
But You’re stuck in Neverland

Been leading these lost boys so long, think you’ve started to play along
We play like we don’t know better, oh but love we’ve got to be braver
And I know how they dance around you, the fairies all dance around you
Know you want to be set free, take a step towards freedom, towards me

I’ve walked every plank for you
I played in every story for you
I love it when you take me in Darling please understand
I’ll open up, just let me in I’m ready for this to start again
But You’re stuck in Neverland

You keep saying how you want to run away
But you come back here the very next day
Torn between the life you want and what you’ve got
Bound by expectations of things you know you’re not
Never fully in or out, Never fully out of doubt

In your Never Neverland
You trapped yourself in Neverland
Stuck in this neverland
Welcome to your Never Neverland 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

All we can do is keep breathing, All I can do is keep breathing

I was pretty sad when I posted last, and to be truthful I was kinda upset that I let myself get that low and to post something so sad. I've been working hard to be positive and to only say and share positive things, and that post kinda threw off that whole idea. I feel like whatever energy I put out into the universe will multiply and come back to me, so thats why I've been working to share only positivity and light. "Light and love" is what I like to send out. Hoping I'll get it back soon. But I also get to feel what I feel and when needed express it. So I let myself feel that sadness because it was a real emotion that I was really feeling at the time, and then let it go away as easily as it came. And today i am feeling great!!
I had a fabulous night with a dear friend last night. It was so good to just be at ease with him and feel love and give love. I really believe he is incredible and have been so impressed with him lately. Also, he looked AMAZING! There's something about a man in a suit! Basically I just love him :)

Today has been rockin for me for these reasons:
Gypsy rehearsal
Killer Gym session - "killer" because I killed it! I sweat (sweated? We know I'm awful at spelling and grammar)  buckets
New shampoo
Turkey Sandwich
Yacht party tonight
Spending time with new friends and old friends
Connecting, being open, being honest... finally. Communicating.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

If that's love it comes at much to high a cost

"She said I am sad I am angry at the past so frustrating."

"She's just looking for a place nobody ever can touch. Trying to find a way she can rise above."

I don't want to be touched. I feel like I'm reliving all the betrayals of trust tonight. Not just from one person, but in my life as a whole. I have none. I have no trust right now. I'm told trust and love are the same thing, or go hand in hand... Does that mean I have no love either? This is about me, feeling like I am lacking the ability to trust. I feel like its been taken from me. Little kids shouldn't feel like they cant trust anyone, so why did I feel that way? And why am I feeling it again. I feel like somethings wrong with me, like I'm the thing that's wrong in all the equations. I am sad. I am angry. At the past, so frustrating.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

You made me feel like a million bucks You do and I was made for you

This weekend has been A LOT! I've had fun celebrating Pride with my gay friends and it was good to just get out for a while. I didn't realize it but I'd kinda become a hermit.... just in my house all the time since Carson left and that isn't good! I feel the need to do a few shout outs to those who assisted me this weekend, so here we go:

Mutha (or mother whatevs):
Its been a little to long since I've seen her and I miss our sundays together. I really like being able to go to her house every sunday and just do nothing or everything and just BE. Even though I didn't grow up there and have a few memories there I'd like to erase from my mind, it feels like a home. Like my home. Of course Oregon also is my home. But My mom lives there... so it just fits ya know? Anyway this is a long way of saying I have a safe haven. I have it because she created it. And with all thats happened in my short life, that is so important. Have a safe place to go. I know its been sent from God and she has a gift. I don't think I know anyone with as good of intentions as she does.
UGH!!!!!!! It will forever and always be the biggest travesty that he is gay. We say this to each other often because we are soul mates. Seriously our souls are a matching pair. I've never met someone who is more similar to me, yet not in an annoying way. We value the same things, we love the same things, honestly I've never met a person who has understood me as well as Carson does. He truly feels WITH others when they hurt, feels joy for others when they succeed. His loyalty surpasses all those around him and anyone should do everything they can to have this amazing man as a part of their life. Because he will forever change it and leave it better and brighter. 
:D Thats how I feel when I think of Aaron. Oh and HEAVENS! The amount of patients this man has will forever be amazing to me. Words that come to mind are: kind, thoughtful, cute, understanding, patient. He has this great power to never have drama, he wont entertain it, he wont feed it. There are so many things about him that I wish I was. And I love that I can tell him "Aaron, help me be the best I can be. I don't want drama, I don't want to be anything but positive." and he actually does it! He'll just say "Jessica..." and then I'll remember! He is so great. 
Also my love goes out to Kyle, Ben Nelson, Tasha and Blake. For opening my eyes to a lot of things this weekend and for assisting me in remembering how good it feels to be surrounded by positivity, music and love! 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Bikinis on top, sun kissed skin so hot we're unforgettable

Today I'm poolside. With some of the most fabulous people. I feel happy. I feel at PEACE. After weeks of anxiety and feeling like a crazy face I feel calm! It's amazing. Haha who knows how long it'll last. But each time I feel this I'm going to do my best not to "hold" onto it but to allow it to just be. To take over my body and fill me up. Wish me luck :)

I love this boy! :)