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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Who run the world, girls!

I am feeling pretty accomplished today! Mostly because I woke up at 7:30!!!! If you know me at all you know that this is an accomplishment in itself. I am not a morning person, but I'm starting to think that I could be :) And I was able to do so many things today! I have been feeling a little less than stellar so I thought waking up earlier and getting in more sunlight would assist me, and today it has! Sunlight is like magic, everyone enjoys it and it makes you feel good!

I found this today:
“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”

Today I've been doing this. Facing up to things I've done, habits I've formed. I was honest with myself and found some areas where I know I can do better in if I would simply try. So I asked forgiveness for short comings and for the will power to change. In an episode of Grey's Anatomy someone asks George what Meredith is like. He then goes on to say that she is kind, she cares about people. That she can be selfish at times, but under it all she is kind, has a kind heart. I realized that when people describe me I'm sure my friends say things like "oh she's fabulous! She is so sassy! She is strong and passionate." I know those are things my friends would say about me... But would they say anything else? Do I leave any impression upon people other than that I'm passionate and sassy...? I got kinda down on myself because I honestly don't know if "kind" is one if the top 5 words my friends would use to describe me. This gets to change. I feel like I do have a kind heart but I push it aside thinking that my fabulous shoes or funny comments will be worth more to people. So I'm happy I have a chance to move "kind" up the list. Sad that I closed up and put on a mask. Happy that I recognize it and get to change it.

Also this popped up today



This is my friend Loren's bunny. :) adorable!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Who says, who says you're not worth it?

So I can now officially call myself a "model". I say thing only because a insanely beautiful woman/photographer asked me to be her model twice and called me such. So one of my dreams has officially come true. Maybe be a small dream, but hey who can say that at age 22 they have had several of their childhood dreams come true?! So thank you Amanda for making me feel beautiful and for making this happen! Woohoo!

Also shout out to Amber from Portland. Strange, but when I heard the words that have been in my head for months coming out of your mouth, they were like a ray of hope and truth. Thanks for the illumination. :) I wish I could have stayed in Portland just a little bit longer. It feels good there. But lucky me! I get to go back to Utah and start work again with my dancing girls and start on Gypsy!

Here are some of Amanda's wonderful pictures! :) She is so great, I think she is so talented and I can't think of anyone better to work with! You all need to check out her work. Click this => Amanda's blog and it'll take you to her blog which has all her info on it.
















Thursday, May 26, 2011

You'd Know How The Time Fly's, Only Yesterday Was the Time of Our Lives

I have been in Oregon since Monday :) it makes me feel like this:
Being around certain people here makes me remember things about myself that I like. It reminds me of how I want to be, who I want to be. It reminds me how to erase drama from my life. It reminds me that there is a world outside of theater. A world outside of my own. Coming here has grounded me quite a bit, and I like it! 

This where I am right now:
I love Portland :) 

Thursday, May 19, 2011

If you want to view paradise, Simply look around and view it

So once in a while I get emotional. Let me rephrase that, once a month I get more emotional than usual. Almost anything will make tears start to trickle down my face. Like I have no control at all! Which is not true, but it feels that way sometimes. This is such a time. First off: Glee. Are you kidding me with that? I love willy wonka song they sang. I've alwas love it. Then with this quote:
“When you love some like I loved her, they’re a part of you. It’s like you’re attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them.”
- Sue Sylvester (Glee)
Holy tear fest in the middle of Starbucks. (where I watch glee)

Then movies with friends that should be happy but get me all sentimental and teary! Plus its raining, so it adds to the emotional-ness that has become my life.

Thank heavens for chocolate, good music and understanding people.


Monday, May 16, 2011

There's a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark



I have loved reading Eat, Pray, Love. It was a big deal for me. A big event in my life. Mostly is caused me to start searching and seeking in a way I haven't in a while. I have now realized that I will be doing this for my whole life. She talks about how everyone and everything has a "word". I think my word might be "seeker". My whole life I feel as if I have been looking for things, people, places. I search in myself and in the world. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed because there is so much I want to do, learn, experience that I just get to overwhelmed. My mother has been aware of this, telling me "Jessica you can't do everything at once. Take it one thing at a time." I used to resent that phrase. Who was going to tell ME that I couldn't do anything I wanted at anytime I wanted. Now I realize that she was saying that to successfully search and experience all that I want to, I GET to experience these things one at a time. Sometimes it will work to have many different things working in my life, but sometimes it wont. My only fear with this is that I will run out of time. Thankfully God has provided me with a future, an eternity wherein I will get to do all, experience all, be all. I'm thankful for my religion and parents for teaching me how to have a personal relationship with God, because I know he has lead me to where I am now. He put this book in my life, as a sort of guiding light which has lead me back to a centered place and back to creating and keeping a personal relationship with him. 
Now that I've rambled for a decent amount I would like to share some quotes from the book. I have way to many favorites to post them all, but I dearly love these ones. 

"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in." 
 Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



"I think I deserve something beautiful."
— 
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
— 
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love



"There is a reason they call God a presence - because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time." 
 Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



"Om Namah Shivaya, meaning,
I honor the divinity that resides within me."
— 
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



"God dwells within you, as you."
— 
Elizabeth Gilbert



“We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy’s fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure–your perfection–is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.” - Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)


“God is an experience of supreme love.” - Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)


“Learning how to discipline your speech is a way of preventing your energies from spilling out of you through the rupture of your mouth, exhausting you and filling the world with words, words, words instead of serenity, peace and bliss.” - Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)


“Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.” - Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)




I also now have a burning desire to go to Indonesia. She paints it to be a beautiful powerful place. 


Happy day to you all :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Hard to believe, where we are now

Letter to No one,


If I could change one thing in my life it would be this. I'd erase any pain, all the tears. Oh how beautiful we could have been, we should have been. The memories we should have made, the places we should have gone. I have a million things I'd like to say to you. Good and bad, happy and sad. But I feel my words getting caught in my throat. So I wont say a word at all. I sing the song "Quiet" and think how strange that when it comes to you, thats all I can be. I would change our history, our future...or what could be the lack thereof. The words we should have said, still run through my head. But I saw how you didn't want to say here, saw you running looking for the pieces of you, that were left behind. I wish I could have saved us both, saved us from ourselves. But I'm not a superhero and I struggle to find my own way. I wish light and love for you. I send them your way every time you cross my mind. I can't say if I'll ever stop loving that boy who showed me so many things. I do know this “If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.” I feel like I've done this before, like I've watched you come and go. I wish you could see the person I have become, this act of letting you go, letting you go free has been the hardest for me. It has changed my soul forever. And it has awakened something deep inside, caused me to burst open and stretch beyond what I thought I could. I wish for you to see you as I do. Push aside all the acting, masks, fronts you like to put up. I wish you could see the little boy with the best intentions who is waiting for you to let him come forward. Be the best, because you are. Because you get to be. Allow yourself to be happy. To have the things in your life that bring you the most joy, regardless of what people think, regardless of how hard to have to fight for it. If you love it, get it, fight for it. Be in darkness no more. Don't forget me. Don't forget the blueprint. Make it what you want it to be. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I hope you do. I wish the best for you. I wish I could have been the best for you. There is so much more to say but, I can't find my words...I had words but I've forgotten how to say them.



I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over.

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg 
I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love, 
but sometimes it hurts instead yeah.

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over yet.

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg 
I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares 
no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg,
I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
Don't forget me I beg,
I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead


Sunday, May 8, 2011

I may be small, but I've got giant plans: to shine as brightly as the sun!

Its been an awesome weekend :) I've spent lots of time with my amazing friends and today I spent it with my Gma, my mom and other family. I LOVE spending time with my family. Nothing big, but they love to celebrate everything! Mothers day has a feast of its own just as big and decorated as any other holiday. And why not?! These wonderful women should be celebrated. :)

Also I've been marking the recent changes in my life. I guess I shouldn't call them recent. I've been transforming a lot since this new year started. And I've felt for a while like I was on the edge of a big break through... like I was right about to have a major transformation come about inside of me but for some reason it just wouldn't burst open. Ladies and Gents it has BURST!!!!!!! Gosh I don't know even how to put it. But I felt like such a different person when I woke up on saturday morning... ok maybe not DIFFERENT. But.... Free, Full, Whole, Happy, Ready, Determined. And so many good things. God is so good. He knows exactly what needs to happen in my life and when. I am so grateful in this moment, for this moment. Anyway I felt so "different" that I wanted to change something. So I did. I changed my hair, I put my apt up for sale and I start the search for a new one tomorrow, I called up old friends and reached out to new ones.

Celebrate every moment because you have it. Because you can. Maybe I'll feel sad tomorrow, I know I'll feel sad in the future, but I'll try and remember how I feel now. Because if I didn't ever feel sad I wouldn't appreciate the feelings I feel right now.