Friday, April 29, 2011

These words are my diary screaming out loud

I must start this post with a warning: this is pretty personal. I will be talking about eating disorders, very personal for me and maybe uncomfortable for others. But I feel so happy and positive about this and I feel like someone could benefit from reading this. If not, I know it'll help me release. I know my blog is public, I know anyone can read it. So this is a final step for me. A final release of any unhappy feelings or negativity. I release it all with this. I thought for a long time before deciding to post this. I'm aware that it could be used against me, or taken out of context. However I am not ashamed, nor do I hide this information. Yes it's personal, but I'm a personal, open person.

Eating disorders. I've had several. This is not meant to be negative so just a brief history:
-Middle school I started noticing I had hips in ballet and no one else did. So I duct taped around my hips - started taking 6 diet pills at bedtime and 6 in the morning -skipped meals whenever possible (this was on and off in high school) - I was pretty healthy till sophomore year in college -stopped eating - Lost 30 pounds in a little over a month - Went to the gym every single day - I pretty much lived on diet soda and 5 hour energies - Had panic attacks when I tried to eat a normal meal - Ate less than 800 calories a day
To this day I can tell you the calorie count in any food.

Then, a few months ago I started reading "eat, pray, love", "the alchemist", and the bible. I felt like I needed to fix something inside of me. I wanted to fix my broken pieces. It had nothing to do with my body at all actually. All my energy was focused on feeling happy and fixing something I thought was broken. So I had no time to think of anything else. I started doing what Liz Gilbert does in her book. I ate as much pasta and humanly possible. As many carbs as I could fit in my body. Whatever I wanted to eat I ate it because I was going to take happiness and joy in any form I could. Suddenly I didn't care if something had 1200 calories in a single serving or if it was light dressing. I used to weigh myself every other day, and suddenly stopped. After the month was over I weighed myself. During that whole month I didn't gain a pound. But I didn't care. Even if I had gained weight it would have been worth it. Because while I was eating that mizithra cheese pasta I was laughing and smiling and healing. I sit here in tears. Tears Of joy and tears for that sad girl I was. How many hours of my life did I waste thinking about how many calories were in a dish? And how joyful I feel that I don't count calories anymore. I thought there would never be a day when I didn't think about calories or how much I weigh. But it's been months and not once have I felt badly about my body. Or thought that I needed to lose weight. And now that I love my body, I have lost weight. Now that I've fixed what I thought was broken, my body is following. My insides are feeling happier so my body is reacting to that. I spent my whole life hating what I looked like. Wanting to change my appearance. Today I celebrate how I look. Mostly I celebrate how I FEEL. How I feel about my appearance. About me. About life. About others.

Everyone deserves to celebrate who they are and how they look. For anyone who may be struggling with feeling low self worth, know that one day we do come out on the other side. The sunrises and sunday comes. Happiness is inside just waiting for permission to come to the surface. I know that until we can feel that ourselves, people can tells us millions of times and it won't mean anything.
Take one day and give yourself permission to love everything about you. To find joy coming out of everything you do. One day to celebrate you. That's all it takes.

My sweet mother told me to pick a photographer and have pictures done so I could remember this time. I had two people I really wanted to work with, luckily I was able to shoot with Amanda Rumsey. She made me feel beautiful. I'm so thankful that I was able to shoot with her. Her work is very authentic. I am forever a huge fan. I would kill to work with her again. And this summer I have a shoot with another photographer whose work I love and have been a fan of for a while. Because why not celebrate, have fun, feel beautiful?

My journey is not complete, but I feel victorious. I feel like I beat it. I beat what has been the most difficult and constant struggle. I'm working towards having every action and thought I have come from a place of love. That starts with me. God makes it clear that he is in us and that our bodies are a gift he has given to us. Never again will I be ungrateful for mine. I will only celebrate it and treat it like the wonderful gift it is.

Maybe this will scare some people Off. Maybe it won't. But I felt like this huge victory in my life was worth talking about. I am not ashamed. I said several times that I was trying to fix "what I thought was broken." thing is I wasn't broken. I was sad, pitying myself, playing small. It's easier to feel bad than to feel good because I trained myself to do that. I was Sad but not broken. I will waste no more time feeling broken.
I am thrilled. I am excited. I celebrate.

Eat. Pray. Love.


  1. You are beautiful! So happy for you :)

  2. I am proud of you. You are incredible. Beautiful in so many ways!

  3. thanks for sharing part of your journey!

  4. Thanks for sharing! Your story is truly lovely. Do you do inner work at all? I read some lingo that I've heard before from a life coach in the valley. Love your blog!