Friday, April 29, 2011

These words are my diary screaming out loud

I must start this post with a warning: this is pretty personal. I will be talking about eating disorders, very personal for me and maybe uncomfortable for others. But I feel so happy and positive about this and I feel like someone could benefit from reading this. If not, I know it'll help me release. I know my blog is public, I know anyone can read it. So this is a final step for me. A final release of any unhappy feelings or negativity. I release it all with this. I thought for a long time before deciding to post this. I'm aware that it could be used against me, or taken out of context. However I am not ashamed, nor do I hide this information. Yes it's personal, but I'm a personal, open person.

Eating disorders. I've had several. This is not meant to be negative so just a brief history:
-Middle school I started noticing I had hips in ballet and no one else did. So I duct taped around my hips - started taking 6 diet pills at bedtime and 6 in the morning -skipped meals whenever possible (this was on and off in high school) - I was pretty healthy till sophomore year in college -stopped eating - Lost 30 pounds in a little over a month - Went to the gym every single day - I pretty much lived on diet soda and 5 hour energies - Had panic attacks when I tried to eat a normal meal - Ate less than 800 calories a day
To this day I can tell you the calorie count in any food.

Then, a few months ago I started reading "eat, pray, love", "the alchemist", and the bible. I felt like I needed to fix something inside of me. I wanted to fix my broken pieces. It had nothing to do with my body at all actually. All my energy was focused on feeling happy and fixing something I thought was broken. So I had no time to think of anything else. I started doing what Liz Gilbert does in her book. I ate as much pasta and humanly possible. As many carbs as I could fit in my body. Whatever I wanted to eat I ate it because I was going to take happiness and joy in any form I could. Suddenly I didn't care if something had 1200 calories in a single serving or if it was light dressing. I used to weigh myself every other day, and suddenly stopped. After the month was over I weighed myself. During that whole month I didn't gain a pound. But I didn't care. Even if I had gained weight it would have been worth it. Because while I was eating that mizithra cheese pasta I was laughing and smiling and healing. I sit here in tears. Tears Of joy and tears for that sad girl I was. How many hours of my life did I waste thinking about how many calories were in a dish? And how joyful I feel that I don't count calories anymore. I thought there would never be a day when I didn't think about calories or how much I weigh. But it's been months and not once have I felt badly about my body. Or thought that I needed to lose weight. And now that I love my body, I have lost weight. Now that I've fixed what I thought was broken, my body is following. My insides are feeling happier so my body is reacting to that. I spent my whole life hating what I looked like. Wanting to change my appearance. Today I celebrate how I look. Mostly I celebrate how I FEEL. How I feel about my appearance. About me. About life. About others.

Everyone deserves to celebrate who they are and how they look. For anyone who may be struggling with feeling low self worth, know that one day we do come out on the other side. The sunrises and sunday comes. Happiness is inside just waiting for permission to come to the surface. I know that until we can feel that ourselves, people can tells us millions of times and it won't mean anything.
Take one day and give yourself permission to love everything about you. To find joy coming out of everything you do. One day to celebrate you. That's all it takes.

My sweet mother told me to pick a photographer and have pictures done so I could remember this time. I had two people I really wanted to work with, luckily I was able to shoot with Amanda Rumsey. She made me feel beautiful. I'm so thankful that I was able to shoot with her. Her work is very authentic. I am forever a huge fan. I would kill to work with her again. And this summer I have a shoot with another photographer whose work I love and have been a fan of for a while. Because why not celebrate, have fun, feel beautiful?

My journey is not complete, but I feel victorious. I feel like I beat it. I beat what has been the most difficult and constant struggle. I'm working towards having every action and thought I have come from a place of love. That starts with me. God makes it clear that he is in us and that our bodies are a gift he has given to us. Never again will I be ungrateful for mine. I will only celebrate it and treat it like the wonderful gift it is.

Maybe this will scare some people Off. Maybe it won't. But I felt like this huge victory in my life was worth talking about. I am not ashamed. I said several times that I was trying to fix "what I thought was broken." thing is I wasn't broken. I was sad, pitying myself, playing small. It's easier to feel bad than to feel good because I trained myself to do that. I was Sad but not broken. I will waste no more time feeling broken.
I am thrilled. I am excited. I celebrate.

Eat. Pray. Love.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Something that'll light your ear

"After living in the dark for so long a glimpse of light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you better think them. Has a special fate been calling you and you're not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you're not reading it? Is this your last chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?" - The Good Girl

"Sometimes what you're searching for, is right where you left it." - Sweet Home Alabama

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are the human race. And we are full of passion." - Dead Poets Society

" It's the possibility that keeps me going not the guarantee, a fort of wager on my part. And though you may call me a fool, or any other thing, I believe anything is possible." - The Notebook

"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too may mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them." Meet Joe Black

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is there is no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." - Meet Joe Black

Monday, April 25, 2011

Did the Wind sweep you off your feet

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."- Olive Penderghast

I found this on a blog I follow. All I can say is AMEN!!!!!!!

I feel like I have a little bit of chivalry in my life. Standard things. Doors being opened, seats being pulled out, the songs written or devoted to me. But where is my over the head radio?! I'm willing to go all out, to have that kind of relationship so where the heck is it?! If I'm going all out then the guy should too. 

I want the big hair, the awesome dance moves, the guys who are willing to go all out. 

Give me the 80's. And Patrick Dempsey. Thank you!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Welcome to my silly life!

"You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you are wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same"

LOVE THIS! I connect with these lyrics right now.

- Today is so beautiful I can hardly stand being inside!
- I had an awesome work out today and my body feels great.
- My friend Ami get married today!!!!! I'm so excited for her reception tonight.
- My newest intention is to be open. Open to people, life, opportunity, friendships.
- Looking back at a certain situation I was in I wish I would have acted differently. Because truth is there shouldn't be awkwardness... Neither party did anything wrong or hurt the other. And neither side was mature about it. So I get to change that next time!
- I'm feeling like I want to be friends with everyone. Maybe weird. I made a new friend at the gym and at the store today. PEOPLE ARE AWESOME!
- I'm so excited for Gyspy. A-it'll be a lot of fun. B-I will be uncomfortable at times but it'll help me grow (excited and nervous for that one) C-I get to learn!!! I know that every single person in the show will teach me something. Heck even at the callback I was thinking "how do they sound like that?!" in a good way. Belting is still ssssoooooooooooo scary for me. I can do it, but somedays my nods and chords are to swollen and it simply won't come out. Hopefully I can learn from the girls in the show. From what I heard at callbacks they all rock.
D-Burlesque dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do I need to say anymore. I get to be sexy and dance. That and singing are the happiest things ever!
- I get to hang out with my best friend tonight :) it's been a long week without them! Good preparation though.
- I love life. I love my family. I love my friends. I feel love for everyone today. So anyone reading this, I'm sending love and happy energy out! I hope you have a fabulous day and find something beautiful, happy, fun, delicious, loving, in today and everyday.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Doing things we haven't for a while, a while ya

I have been fortunate enough to have a very happy last two weeks. For a few different reasons: being cast in Gypsy, losing weight, making new friends, getting an A on my hardest midterm! And I've spent every night except like two or three, hanging out with Gray. In group settings or just hanging out by ourselves (and Tito!!) It's been so nice to just feel like we can spend time together without any pressure. It's helped me take a look at how I communicate. I tend to demand communication from others but I've found that I was not always willing to give it. I wasn't always willing to share my feelings, good or bad. Which is a recipe for heart ache. It's also been so great to find out what I want and how I can get that. Most of that has to do with me. What I want from myself, and how I can go about calling forth that from inside.

I have learned so much about myself in the times when I have been single. Strangely I find myself being thankful for these times. Because I get to get rid of the things I don't want to keep, change the qualities and behaviors. So I guess in general I've been feeling gratitude.

NEW FRIENDS! I've made a couple of new friends who are amazing. Yes the friendships are new, but I'm thankful that they are there. It's nice to have fresh ideas, fresh people. They are fabulous and I like them very much.

Also. I have the best mom ever! I went to the ER and she drove and hour to come sit with me while they were testing me for all kinds of things. Luckily nothing to serious is going on! Not so luckily my meds make me pretty loopy and so I can't drive. Ugh :( so any hanging out hast to be at my house. Unfortunate.

Last night we had a scary movie marathon. It didn't start till like 10:30, haha so we only got to watch two movies, but let me know some of your favorite scary movies. Because I'm running out of good ones!!

This is Tito!! :) I love my puppy :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Run away with me

I've been recieving a lot of "Listen to this song" texts lately. And I love those. Music communicates more than most of us can do through just words. Thats the case for me always. Words don't flow for me. They don't come easily. I love writing lyrics and writing music, but sometimes I get frustrated with myself because words don't come easily. I see things in black and white so its difficult for me to change that when I write. Metaphors and clever play on words are a rarity.
I write a song everyday. I've done this for about two months now. I stopped for a little bit but missed it to much, so I started up again.
Here are a few of the songs I've been given.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

So she dances in and out of the crowd

I teach dance at a studio in Centerville, and I've taught there for about 5 months now. I wish everyone could have the joy of teaching dance and teaching the girls I get to teach.

I'll be honest and say at first I was a little scared to teach girls under the age of 10. See I've never been that girl who is obsessed with babies, or who loves any and every child. I'm pretty sure I've never babysat anyone. I was always so busy growing up with dance or plays or whatever other activity I was into at the time that I didn't have any extra time to babysit for anyone. So its not like I didn't like kids... I just didn't love them for more than an hour. I would get flustered when they wouldn't be able to tell me what they wanted or needed. Basically I just wasn't sure how to relate to children and I didn't bother trying. Then when I got to college and some of my friends started having children I got really really scared of becoming one of them... that sounds awful I know. I know. But almost every one of them gave up on themselves totally and became centered around this pooping, crying ball of flesh. And I just didn't get it. How could you have a child and no longer want to sing and dance all day? How could the fire and passion they had for music, theater, art, painting just fizzle out and die?

Then I started teaching. And before I realized it I started to look forward to those hours I teach dance more than any other in my week. I wish I taught more classes just so I could be around these girls. They are so full of life. So willing to be anyones friend. To support their friends and siblings. I've "seen the light" I guess comcerning children. I now understand, to a degree, how someone could want this everyday all day. To spend every hour with these tiny people and devote a lifetime to raising them. I'm not saying I want a child right now. But I'm saying I get it. I think my approach to motherhood will be very different from a lot of my friends, and probably different than most people of my faith. But for the first time I feel like "When that time comes in my life I wont be scared. I wont feel like I'm giving anything up."Because I wont be. And I wont have to give anything up.

I just want to tell you a little about "my girls"

Nia - She is probably the sassiest girl I have ever met. While the other girls are going across the floor Nia is mouthing the words to Ushers "Somebody to Love" and making up her own music video dance. She does this everyday. In every class. She reminds me of me... not little me, but me now! And she always wants to show everyone her new tricks "watch me! does it go like this?" So happy, so willing to try something new.

Izzy - This girl can shake her booty all day long! I swear a lot of moves I use when I go out dancing with my friends I learned from her. She can drop it like its hot, pop it, you name it she can do it. And she is the sweetest out of my girls. Without fail I know every time I walk into class she will run up and give me a huge hug. She has the best laugh in the whole world! Anytime I look and her and say "good job! Keep doing that!" she smiles so big and giggles.

Keighly - She is the soft spoken one. Never says anything bad. When I compliment her she gets to shy and turns away. And when she talks its all about horses!!! She is a true cowgirl. She has the biggest eyes and the cutest freckles! And she is the one who helps me keep Nia and Izzy in line. All this makes it even more funny when during "free time" she yells "Lets to a runway!!!!" and then she struts her stuff down the middle of the class :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

"This is the story of a girl"

So I feel like I haven't posted in forever!! In reality its been about four days :) 

Things I love about this week:
Singing Opera again
Callbacks that go well
The smell of rain
Making new friends
Cooking dinners
Finding new music
Reading the bible

This week has been good to me. Or maybe I've been good to this week. It started with an awesome callback for Gypsy, which I would love to do because once I learned more about the show I found that it would be fun for me, because if I am a lead dancer I'd get to dance sssooooo much!! :) or if I'm Louise I'd get to sing and dance a lot haha which is great :)

Also I've started singing Opera again. In high school I won almost every competition I was in, but then in college I lost it for a bit when I got vocal nods, they are small but there. I lost some of my middle notes. Which for me was so sad because Opera has always been the thing that allowed me to use my full voice. I may be a little person but my voice is so big that it often causes problems if I try and belt... I can do it, but it is not easy. Its like I have to only use 75% of my voice, I can never be full voice when I belt but in Opera I get to let go. I can use all of my voice and let it fill every part of my body. So as I've been singing it again this week I've found that not only do I have all those middle notes back but now my whistle tone is better than ever! Who knew?! So I'm pretty excited. I got up to a F above high C. (For anyone who isn't musical... remember the high note in Phantom of the Opera, well that is a D above high C.) 
I hope I can find some shows that will allow me to use more of this talent. I've missed it. And for the last few years I've been trying to fit myself into a circle... the Utah Belt, or BYU belt. The problem with that is this: I am a square. I don't need to change myself or my talent to fit into the mold. Yes I get to keep working on developing my voice in all styles, but I get to use the talent God has given me. I'm not ignoring it anymore. 

Again I am thankful for my friends. They are so supportive, sending me good wishes and positive vibes. I get a text everyday at least from someone saying "Good luck!" or "You're incredible!" or "I love you!" Basically what I'm saying is God has blessed me with people who want to create joy and positive energy. How lucky am I that God saw fit to put those people around me! Last night I posted a facebook status saying I needed a friend or just some friendly words and the amount of response I got was a testament to how amazing the people in my life are. I got comments, facebook messages, emails, texts. And what I loved was that it wasn't pity. It was me, saying I would appreciate a friendly word, and people more than willing to do that for me. All I had to do was ask. How often in my life have I felt so totally alone when all I needed to do was ask for a friend? 

Gods tender mercies are all around me. My heart is full :) 

“The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ” - David A. Bednar

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance" - David A Bednar

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Let me entertain you

Just a little post because I'm happy. I finished a callback for Gypsy and it was so fun! As always not perfect, but it showed me a few things I get to work on :) but I ended the night with three other talented ladies reading for Louise! Let's hope for the best. I'd be thrilled with a burlesque dancer also :)

It's so nice to have someone who believes in you. Who sends you texts several times just to tell you how good they think you are. How they know you'll rock it. Just the sweetest words of encouragement. I appreciate all of the ways they let me know they are thinking of me and love me.

Things are working out. I have faith. I feel good.

I'll update again tomorrow :)

It goes like this the fourth the fifth

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible!'" - Audrey Hepburn

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'"
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Heavens what a good week this has been! I've been working on making the best choice and picking the best things and it's made a big difference in how I feel and how I act.

Stumble upon is what I'm normally doing for the last 10 min in my classes and I found the above quotes and fell in love with them. I'm a big lover of quotes :) so if you have any send them my way please!!

I saw Tale of two Cities tonight as was blown away by the talent in it. I was called back for Lucy, the female lead, back in December and although I didn't book, I could already feel a connection with the role. She sings a song which hits so close to home for me, I love when I feel such a connection when watching a show. Every person was exceptional, and of course I had a few favorite standouts ;)

I'm feeling a feeling I haven't felt in a long time... I can't give it a name but it's making me smile, want to be better, try new things. Just the fact that I'm feeling this way is a big deal for me. It means my healing is farther along than I thought. It's a simple feeling and I'm just barely feeling it... But it's there.

I'm happy :) And smiley :)