Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I can't remain Quiet

Today feels happy :) have you ever felt like you lost yourself for a bit and then you suddenly find yourself and feel like "oh there you are! I've been looking for you. Don't go away again." because that is how I feel. Life brings ups and downs and for about a week I lost myself in the downs. But now that I've gotten back to my routine of reading specific books, saying specific things, and focusing on being and doing the thing that makes me happy, I feel centered.

I've been on this kick of being on purpose. Doing things, being things on purpose. Having purpose for all I do. I feel like that keeps me out of a victim place. Because in reality, no one can make me feel anything, no one can force me to react a certain way. Every feeling I feel, thought I think and action I do all come from me. When I realized this it was a really gold feeling. Because If that's all true, I get to pick how I get to feel everyday. When I choose to act I choose power, I choose freedom from where I used to be; putting the responsibility of my happiness on someone else, or something else.

Side note of the day is this: I love my friends. They saw beauty in my heart when I didn't. They got me out of bed, fed me, and made me laugh when I didn't think I could smile. They've always remembered who it is that I can be and want to be and they assist me in picking to be that person. I am so grateful to God for putting such amazing people in my life. Especially people who can be honest with me.

Happy day to all :)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Die vampire DIE!!!!!

I loved today. And I learned a lot today. When I give personal things out everyone knows and I can't take it back. I guess I thought blogging was more personal than Facebook, meaning it isn't as open to the world. Truth is it's more open to the world. It can expose more of me than I thought. I've over exposed myself and now feel foolish. Because my personal thoughts and issues have been out for everyone to see, and I created that. I don't want that. Im learning how to express my emotions in an appropriate way. I want To learn and grow. I invite any assistance to this growth. Feedback is just information and I would like some. Honestly how can I expect to get better if I don't know where I need to grow strong?

Liars bother me. People who don't know me, have never had a real conversation with me, are lying about me. Which hurts. Word to the wise, before lying remember that now thanks to texting there is a kind of "paper trail" of the lies you spread. So there is proof that what you said is a lie.
I've decided to replace any hurt feelings with this thought "I cannot control anything but myself. My emotions. My reactions. Do I want to act or react?" I don't want drama. I won't let this cause drama. I get to pick how I act. An act is on purpose. A reaction is almost putting myself in a victim position "this and this happened so of course I had a reaction." I don't like that feeling. I get to pick how I act. People will do what they will do. Great. I get to do what I will do. Which is also great.

I'm praying more than ever. For strength. For hope. For peace. For assistance.

I am happy. I am positive. I am working.

Also everyone should listen "die vampire die" there is some sketchy language :( but I love the line "Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, it's the voice of reason."

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Wonderful wonderful day!

Thank the Lord for singing and dancing! What a difference a few hours plus a song and dance can do for the soul.

I just finished an audition for a major cruise line and it went SO WELL!! They had me sing several songs from "showroom at sea" their classical show and we talked about me going on the ship!! How awesome!!

The dance was crazy hard and fast! And I'm a pretty good dancer, in fact I always feel better about the dance audition mostly because I get to be sassy and fun and just let loose. I still have some insecurities about my vocal nods. Baby ones but still there :( and I did feel good about the dance but it was so fast I almost didn't have tome to through in some sassy flair! Have no fear I hair flipped all over :)

I feel so uplifted. I wish I could have an audition everyday!!

Happy day to all :)

Also John was on the wall at my audition. It was good to have one of my best friends with me ;)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The light in the piazza, my love

Clara is one of my dream roles, she is the lead in the musical "The light in the piazza". I will play her one day. She sings this song, which is so beautiful on and off stage. Clara has a slight mental handicap so she doesn't fully understand the depth of her words "the light in the piazza, my love". It's beautiful to see her child like pure love.
This is my song of the moment. It fills every corner of my soul. I've been spending a lot of time with someone I love very much. Tonight was a moment when I saw the light, when I saw "my love".

I don't see a miracle shining from the sky
I'm no good at statues and stories
I try

That's not what I think about
That's not what I see
I know what the sunlight can be

The Light, the Light in the Piazza

Tiny sweet
And then it grows
And then it fills the air
Who knows what you call it?
I don't care
Out of somewhere I have something I have never had
And sad is happy, that's all I see
The Light in the Piazza
The Light in the Piazza

It's rushing up
It's pouring out
It's flying through the air
All through the air
Who knows what you call it?
But it's there
It is there
All I see is
All I want is tearing from inside
I see it
Now I see it everywhere
It's everywhere
It's everything and everywhere

The Light in the Piazza

My love

Saturday, March 19, 2011

You smile I smile

Bri tagged me in her blog, so here I go!

The rules of blog tagging are:
1. You must share 15 interesting facts about yourself
2. You must tag 5 other people

1. I love wearing dresses. Cotton. Simple. Everyday.
2. I hate wearing jeans.
3. I grew up as a tomboy.
4. I love my puppy: Tito :)
5. I love driving. It gives me time to sing and think.
6. I am super short. 5'2.5/5'3 and I love it.
7. I adore Disneyland. I probably love it a little to much. It's real magic. Pure joy. Little kids laughing and pretty lights and fireworks and music everywhere.
8. I have three brothers and no sisters. They made me tough.
9. I love reading.
10. I love tattoos
11. I love mashed potatoes.
12. Half of my right thumb is numb from when my brother closed it in a car door. I had 10 stitches.
13. I love science. So much that forensic studies was almost my major in college. Musical theater won.
14. I am a passionate authentic loving woman.
15. I tell myself everyday that I am a beautiful inspiring worthy woman. That I am enough. That I am smart. That I am joyful. That I create joy. All in the hopes that I will be those things. I think it's working.

Tag 5 people:
1. Rachel Sales
2. Lindsea Garside
3. Ben Roeling
4. Sarah Long
5. Tasha Kunzler

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Look at what I'm giving, this beautiful creation

I feel very tender lately. I've been crying. And I'm not a big cryer. It takes a lot to get tears from me. I feel like it started with this last Monday being the anniversary of Nicks death. That always brings up so many emotions. Also people often have this need to tell me every bit of information they have about my life. And to be truthful I don't want to know. I don't want to hear about it. What I want is to have a fresh start. To leave old things in the past and only focus on the good things that will be in my future. I truly feel like what I want is for everyone to be happy. Maybe that sounds all warm and fuzzy and fake. But this is what I mean: if each person was happy with who they are and the things they create in their life then there would be no negativity to pass around. There would be no need to have hurt feelings. If everyones goal was to be happy and create happiness, things would be so wonderful. And if we all accepted that every action of an individual is only that which they feel will make them happy, then there would be more understanding in this world. Truth is no one is out to get you. No one is trying to hurt you. We are all just trying to find happiness. I've decided to approach everyday with this in mind. Every conversation. Every time someone says "this person is saying this and this about you." I'm going to remember that everyone is trying to find happiness. We're doing our best. We're all trying to make sense of life. But life is difficult. Things are sad.
We're all still the same sweet 3 year olds inside. We all want to be loved. We all want to love. To be taken care of. And to take care. No matter how rough and tough someones exterior or persona they have, inside everyone wants to be happy and wants everyone else to be happy. I wish every single person in the world could have a joyous life.

Dear everyone (including myself),
Don't let the outside fool you. Neither let my "big girl words". I'm still sweet and tender inside. When someone calls me a name, it still hurts. Im still learning about the world and myself. Be gentle with me, I'm trying to grow. I wish the world could see me as I am inside. A little girl who wants to learn, love, grow, explore. Who is innocent and pure. Maybe when I see myself that way the world will start to as well.

"become as little children." - Jesus

Monday, March 14, 2011

The day you slipped away Was the day i found It won't be the same

Today was good. Hard. Unexpected. Fun. Exciting. Romantic. Sad.

Five years ago Nick Vining took his life. He was such a sweet person. So funny. I will always have a special place for him in my heart. He was my first date :) I still remember that he brought roses for me AND my mother.

I thought about him a lot today.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

There's a spark in you

Today I had a photo shoot with Amanda. She is wonderful. Here is one of the pictures from today

It's weird because I feel like I kinda don't look like myself in this picture. But I still like it.

Also I'm rediscovering how to trust myself. How to be kind to myself. Because I get to be.

I was able to catch up with Bronwyn for a little bit yesterday also. It was needed but not enough! So we will have another date soon.

I want school to be over. I want to go on spring break. I want to perform in Jackson this summer. I want to leave this place. I want better. I deserve better. I want the truth to come out. I want to be the truth. I want passion. I want love. I want the best. I settled before. For less than. I will have the best. I will be the best. I deserve the best. We all do. No more settling.

"You were given life it is your duty(and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life no matter how slight."- eat pray love

I could stay out every night wait around for mr right

So I found that I blogged while... Eh... Not fully aware.


Hopefully my friends will keep my phone far far away from me the next time im in that same state of mind...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Gray comes over. And kisses me. And tells me he loves me. And tells me he doesn't like anyone else.

I wonder if anyone else knows this. Or if everyone else hears a different story.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Look at this photograph everytime I do it makes me laugh

Pictures I found in a random folder. :) And I like them :)

Look at this stuff isn't it neat?

I'm obbssessed with reading lately. I'm reading two books right now, the first is:
My favorite quote from it so far is:
 "I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me." 
Second favorite is:
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

I feel like I'll have a lot of favorites by the time I've finished it :)
The other book I'm reading is:

It is beautifully simple. Yet deals with the most complex topics. 
Finding one's legend. 
Favorite quotes include:

"He knew that his love for her would enable him to discover every treasure in the world."

"The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."

Dear everyone,
My advice is to read these books. No harm will come if you do, but so much joy is there to find. So much excitement and knowledge.

I find myself reading these powerful thoughts, and inspiring words and nodding my head. As if I already knew them, as if I already knew that concept. And then I remember... I do already know. I know all these things, I just get to remember them.

What if you should decide...?

Sometimes people are a lot. A LOT. But I'm doing this new thing called "allowing". I accept and realize that what they do has no control over me and I get to allow them to create their own experience of this life. So I allow them to live how they feel if right and I live how I feel is right. This is what I feel is right.
And I live these everyday. Some days I live them better than others. There are a few I never fail at though :)
-Do not lie. Ever.
-Keep your personal life personal
-Do not share secrets you've been told
-Assume the best of people
-Follow your heart
-Be joyful
-Work hard
-Be authentic
-Not only do not lie, but tell the truth
-Feel beautiful
-Do what you feel is right
-Create joy

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

That thing you got behind you is Amazing!

Sometimes people ask me what ethnicity I am. I giggle and ask them to guess. I get everything from Egyptian, Spanish (from spain), Mexican, Italian you name it and I've probably gotten it.

Truth is I'm not sure what I am. I know my mothers family is from Scandinavia, so they are all really light skinned. But my dad has black hair and Blue eyes. His skin is a little olive, not to dark but darker than my mother. But he doesn't know his real father so its a mystery!

Also my butt causes people to wonder :) Kim Kardashian is my celebrity look alike... at least thats why people tell me. Personally I don't think our faces are anything alike. But our bodies are almost identical in measurements. And I don't mind at all :)


Monday, March 7, 2011

Somethings are meant to be, the tide turning endlessly

I had a great weekend. Lots of good activities, good talks, good parties, good nights, and good friends. Good could be replaced with Amazing, wonderful, powerful, great, and they would all work perfectly. 

Ben Carson and I saw "Tangled" last night and let me just say it is so great!!! Its the best thing disney has done for a while. Carson kept telling me that and I thought... "we'll see about that." But he was right. It was adorable and funny and cute and perfect! Except her hair at the end... if you've seen this movie you know what I'm talking about. Ugh fix that mess disney. Other than that it was perfection! And now I may or may not be obsessed with lights even more...... Lanterns are a new addition to that list.

I have this fascination with lights... City lights, christmas lights, twinkle lights, airplane lights, stars, fireworks. I couldn't love any day more than I love the fourth of July. I love seeing the sky light up in celebration with beautiful colors and lights. I want fireworks at my wedding :) And I'll have them :) I love mood lighting... Light is just so beautiful to me. I often take the long way home just so I can catch a glimpse of the city lights. 

Also I'm enjoying making connections with people. And rekindling lost connections. Life is exciting. I have ups and downs but I get to chose to have more ups than downs. 

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places"

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Can you please just help this wounded soldier?

Sometimes I wait for people to tell me its ok to love myself.
I wait for permission from others to feel so many things, to think so many things.
To think I'm talented
To feel beautiful
To be smart
To be happy

No more. I've waited for so long, to long. And I get to have all these things right now. I get know I'm talented, weather anyone else thinks I am or not. I get to be beautiful regardless if anyone else thinks so. I get to be smart. I get to be happy. I get to be joyful.

I know that there are many things that add to joy. That create joy. I get to have all of those in my life. They don't have to BE my life though. I'm learning how to balance things. And to my surprise I'm a good balancer! :)

I want more of these things in my life to complete my balancing act:
Loving myself/taking care of myself

So I get to create all these things in abundance in my life! I'm so lucky :) How wonderful to be able to work on those things, to create those things!

Happy day to all! :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I swear I'm working this out

I'm learning a lot about who I am. Qualities I want to chose to be. I believe I have everything inside of me to be the happiest person that ever lived, I have everything I need to create a beautiful life. Sometimes that is scary. I'm scared. But I'm not stopping. I get to experience courage.

I spent the night with my person last night. Its so hard when so many people are telling you what you should do but in your heart you know things need to be different. We are working. On ourselves and in turn on our relationship. I also feel fear about this... because it is unknown and because so many people are coming out of the woodwork trying to get in. Courage. I decided to feel courage. And last night was beautiful. It assisted me in seeing where things are going, where things will be.

I've learned over this last week that:
I am enough.
I am strong.
I get to be vulnerable.
I get to experience courage.
I am forgiving.
I am smart.
I love myself.
I am inspiring.
I am a good friend.
I get to keep discovering.
I get to keep growing.
I am a creator.

Thank you for this last week. For all the tears, all the phone calls with him, all the cuddling with him, but most of all for the time with me. The time for me to rediscover myself. Thats the most beautiful gift, because in doing so, in loving myself I give others permission to do the same.

I am. I am. I am.