Saturday, December 31, 2011

The life, The love You'd die to heal. The hope that starts, The broken hearts. You trust, you must confess

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

I heard this song today and was blown away by the lyrics. The chorus is simple and explains itself, but until today I hadn't listen to the verses... well mostly because they are screamed so loud I can hardly hear what any of the words are. It can be read in two different ways in my mind. In my mind its half coming from the singer to a person and half from the singer to himself/herself. This line "has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel. You trust, you must confess." Sums up 2011. Things can be stolen from us. Faith. Plans. Hopes. Trust. What is important is not getting them back, because going back and retrieving what was stolen isn't a good idea. No one would ever walk up to a thief who had just tore apart their house and calmly ask for their belongings back... so why walk back and ask the person who stole something from my heart, to kindly return it? I mean I did try that... FYI it DOESN'T work. But allowing them to grow back; grow back stronger. Allowing hope and trust and faith to grow back is what I found to be important. And its painful. And hard. But in the end I must trust that I'll get it all back. And so much has grown in my life lately, I'm finding it easier and easier to trust, and to have faith in the good. 

I was so deeply touched by this song and I think its because it sums up quite a few months of 2011 for me. 2011 had some amazing moments, moments I would never ever trade. I made fantastic connections and worked really hard to create a life I am proud of, a life I love. But would I ever do it again? Never. Would I ever wish this year on anyone? Nope. I hope most people don't ever experience what I did in this year. Not saying I led a tragic awful life this year, I didn't, but this year I felt more pain than I personally had ever felt before. There were to many sad moments, to many lies, to many bad things. Its only been in the last three, that I've felt like I have had really good moments. Moments worth carrying into 2012. So as I always do I will keep moving forward. And I will never again reflect on 2011 because frankly I didn't like the better half of it. I'll keep these last three months tucked away in my mind and forget the rest. This post isn't meant to be sad; rather I feel emotions of relief, joy, thankfulness. In fact I'm crying as I write this because I couldn't be any happier that I get to let go of 2011. I remember last feb thinking "I'll never be far enough away from this day." And now here I sit, almost a whole year later. Truthfully I'm exhausted. Exhausted doesn't begin to cover it. So I'm happy to be heading into a new year full of lessons learned, newly acquired skills, soul mates, and as a stronger person. My mother often gets worried, thinking things I post have a sad note to them... But have no fear readers, even if my posts are warm and fuzzy, and sunshine, I write with hope. I have hope, and I believe in the magical. I hope you do to. 

I was not born to resist, to be abused. I was born to love. To be loved. To sing and dance and create joy and feel joy. 

"I've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool. I'm getting tired of starting again. Were you born to resist, or be abused? I swear I'll never give in, I refuse."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Can't you see that you are, a Timestopper?

"I'm gonna make you believe, that is is what love should be"

I have such a love for my friends. My heart feels like its going to burst all the time because I can't believe I've found such amazing people. This is how friendship should be. I am the luckiest :) Thinking about all the amazing people I've gotten to have in my life makes me feel so much love for my life, so much love for them and also very very thankful.

Life has been such a sweet surprise lately. I have had some chances to see how far I've come, how much I've grown. I've dealt with situations lately that would have brought out a bad side of me. But I have been able to calmly just ask. I ask for things I need or want. I ask for the truth. And its amazing to me how people are so willing to give me what I want or need if I just ask from a calm honest place. To actually be able to see those changes is a really great thing for me. It takes some work, changing bad habits. But I have.

I'm still working on trusting. Trusting myself. The thing is, some people are untrustworthy, but I find that often I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I will pick the right thing, the good thing. I don't trust that I will choose the right people to be in my life. So as I'm learning to trust others I'm learning how to trust myself. Also I would like to change the bitterness I feel. I don't feel a whole lot of it truthfully, but there are moments when someone will try and do something sweet for me and my first reaction is to assume its a lie. Or to push away from it. And I see myself, or rather I feel myself, doing that and I try so hard to stop, but I would love to get to the place where I don't even feel that way at all. Because they really are sweet sweet gestures. And when someone goes out on a limb for me, when they risk looking like stupid, just so I can feel special, I shouldn't resist that. My first reaction should be pure appreciation.

One other thing; I find myself being afraid, which keeps me from experiencing amazing things, I'm afraid to look stupid. I'm afraid to look like a total idiot for... well a few things. I'm afraid of believing I could be a performer, because I'll look stupid if I don't land a role. I'm afraid of believing that sweet words and actions are genuine, because I'll look like an idiot if they are lies. Its a reoccurring thought process for me. I have decided this will be my latest "project", I guess. Changing that thought pattern. I will no longer let fear effect my life. Although I do feel like a courageous woman, I can't help but think that life could be that much more amazing if I wasn't afraid sometimes.

Last thought: I find that I often blog about my person progression in life, characteristics I desire to have or hope to change. And I do this because I find that when I put it out there, when I announce to the world that I plan on being better, that I want to have another good quality; it makes it real for me. Because saying it just to myself isn't enough. And also I'm lucky enough to have my best friends read my blog, and when they know what I desire they ALWAYS help me get it. I'm so lucky to have them.

WATCH THIS!!!!! You'll be laughing and smiling I promise!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I'm offering this simple phrase

I can never have to many candles. In fact I need about 20 more at this current moment.
I can never have to many twinkle lights in my room.
I can never have to much music. 
I could never own to many pairs of flat boots. 
I couldn't own to many colors of nail polish.
Christmas season will never be long enough.

So guess what I'm thankful for?
The candles on my table
The twinkle lights in my room
The music playing through my computer right now
My wonderful flat boots
The bucket of nail polish I have
And the three weeks left of Christmas season.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

All I need is room to fight Hand in fisted glove. Point me to the sky, It's my turn to fly.

I've decided that all the passion I have is for these purposes: (and when I can actually do all these FULL TIME perhaps my passion will not blind my view at times)
My passion is for:
1. Love. (myself, others, animals etc)
2. Music. (Create it, perform it)
2. Dance. (Choreograph, perform)
3. Acting.
4. Performing.
5. Living.

I really believe there is a reason I am so passionate. There are times I wish I didn't feel it the way I do, but I can't help it. I want what I want and I want to get it myself. If others want to aid it that, fantastic. If not please don't think I can't get it on my own. Because I will. If I was supposed to be less passionate about my life, my music, my art, well, then I would be. No one gets to tell me I should feel less. That I should not care so much about my art. I CARE. I care if I can or cannot belt a G, F is not enough. I care if I can hit a triple turn always a double is not enough. I care if I am a connected vulnerable actress. You sir do not get to tell me to care less about it.

I very much feel this song right now Life of the Party, click the link and read :)

ALSO. I have had a FANTASTIC week. The best week in a while. I have amazing friends who make me laugh so so much, and who get it. They just get it. And I spent some wonderful time with my family. I have felt very good. Good is a great way to feel. Haha future blog post coming about that I'm sure :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Filling you with Light, Creativity, All that your Heart should be

This week has been fantastic. I mean I'm only three days into it and I'm already in love with it!

- Recently someone told me that I'd be ok and ready to spend the rest of my life with one person, and I didn't disagree with this person when it was said. But its been on my mind A LOT lately. Because I don't believe that is true. I let someone tell me something about myself when in reality I don't really feel that way. I believe I will be in a relationship for three to five years before settling down... IF I settle down... the more I experience life the more I love what I have. I LOVE being with my friends, I LOVE doing shows all the time, I LOVE living with one of my best friends, I LOVE freedom, I LOVE being independent. I do not like the idea of "settling down" at all. AT ALL. I do believe in love, above all things I do. But I LOVE music, I LOVE dance, I LOVE people. So isn't that enough? Will it always be enough? I don't know... for now I believe my love for life, music, dance, people, learning, growing is more than enough. Plus broadway keeps calling me and I've got to that before any settling happens ;)

- Its funny how people think so differently about what a "friend" is... is a friend someone we talk to everyday? Someone we can connect with deeply even if we haven't spoken in months? I'm learning what a "friend" really is for me. For me a friend is someone I see often and when I see them we connect on a deep level. Connecting on a deep level isn't always a big emotional ordeal. I just barley deeply connected with a friend over a funny song. But I believe a friend is someone I have a real connection with. If I don't have that, I'd consider me and that person more of like... someone whom I am well acquainted with.

- I couldn't feel more thankful for this fall. I learned so much. I had some amazing movie like moments :) Kissing in the rain, laying in the middle of the street, huge parties, tear filled conversations, romances, break ups, lifelong friends, musical numbers, dance breaks, shows, auditions. I am THE LUCKIEST girl that there ever was.

- Also I can't believe how far I've come. I am proud of myself and the progress I've made. And I am going to enjoy myself for a while... haha that sounds funny, but I FINALLY feel like I'm the girl I've always wanted to be. I'm still me: dramatic, silly, 5, passionate, good. But I am like a bright and shiny version... I mean that in a good way! I just like the person I am and I want to just enjoy being me. I just started feeling this way this last sunday, so before I go making new best friends or dating anyone, I'm going to deepen the friendships I have, rebuild the ones that need some extra TLC, and enjoy the feeling of being a person I like. I still have the goal to end each day as a better person than I was that morning, and I feel like this'll be something I do till my dying day. Because I mean, I'm not Jesus. I still have room to grow :)

I reconnected with an old friend last night/today, someone who really KNOWS me. And it felt very good. Very healthy. AND today I confirmed my auditions for The Wild Party and The Drowsy Chaperone!!!!!!!! I would LOVE to do them both. Wish me luck!

Basically I'm happy!

Friday, November 18, 2011

All we can do is keep breathing, All I can do is keep breathing

This post is... well a lot. And rather personal. Just a warning.

I realized this morning around 3:30 that I have a problem. Anxiety. I couldn't sleep until around 2, then I wake up an hour and a half later from a horrible dream, only to then have a panic attack because I knew I wouldn't be able to wake up for ballet class in 3 hours. I knew this because I know I'll be having this anxiety attack for the next hour, and will finally fall asleep around 5:30.

For anyone who has had an anxiety attack you know how awful it is. It could only last for 5 min, but it feels like it will never ever end. Every thought leads to another one just as stressful as the one before. I thought I could deal with it, because I've been doing pretty good handling it for a bit. I'm not sure why it has suddenly come back with such a vengeance, but its effecting my ability to go to school, hang out with friends, to really do anything. Depressed is NOT what I am. Often anxiety and depression go hand in hand, but I fully know what it feels like to be depressed and I know I am not struggling with depression. First because I am happy almost always EXCEPT when I have an anxiety attack. And because I WANT to do these things that I have anxiety about. I want to go to ballet. I want to go to school. I want to learn all I can about musical theater, about music theory. I want to be the best at what I do and I can't be that if I have anxiety all the time.

So I called the UofU's student counseling center so I can relearn how to get it under control. Some people are prone to pneumonia, I'm prone to anxiety. I wouldn't not treat pneumonia, I'd go get medicine to get better. So thats my plan. The tools I'll be using to cope with this anxiety could mean blogging way more often. Or it could mean not blogging at all for a while. I'm writing this post about it now because, well publishing this means that I am really aware that its a problem. Also my mom will read it and she is the best at holding me to things I say I will do :) As good mothers always are! SO I'm thankful I have the rescourses to help with my anxiety, I'm thankful for my mother, I'm thankful for music, I'm thankful for a lot.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I lit a fuse I can't stop

I made some decisions today.

I am a better person now than I was this morning. I will end everyday this way.

I feel a lot of things, mostly I feel thankful. Feelings of sadness will come and go, but I get to experience so many great things that sadness doesn't stay for long :)

A friend pointed out to me that I'm hard on people. On myself. I don't want to be... I want to be better. Here I go! Again ;) Thats life I guess!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

There will come a time, you'll see

Who knew I could learn SO MUCH in one weekend?! 
Ya know when you find  "the perfect" pair of jeans (i pick jeans because i don't like them much so when I find a perfect pair its pretty amazing). Anyway they are the perfect color, have just the right amount of flair at the bottom, the back pockets sit at just the right spot, AND they are on sale for way less than they are worth. So you go and you put them on and... something just isn't right... I mean they are PERFECT, but they just don't sit right. Something isn't working. So the stars and moon fall from the sky and you have to decide... do I buy them anyway because they are perfect? Or do I put them back because now that I've tried them on I know that perfect as they may be, they just aren't right at this moment. 
So the reason for that analogy is because that just happened in my life. And I believe it happened for both parties involved. It was great, the perfect timing, it was super easy, fun, there was just one hang up... and when it came to the point where we either needed to jump in or walk away... we couldn't jump. Everything happens for a reason. I feel so so lucky to have experienced what I did, because there couldn't have been anything more perfect. It was PERFECT for me. I know I keep using that word but I believe in it. I believe that in this world where most everything is a wreck, there are perfect moments, perfect memories made. And how lucky am I that I got to have those perfect moments? And that I got to have such an incredible person to learn from. I'm not sure how I go so lucky. I'm just thankful I am. Someone said "don't you wish you had met later in life?" and my answer is... no. Because I needed this NOW. I needed to experience what I did, when I did. And because I hope I get to keep this person in my life. 

Now its time for me to practice my music. Again, how lucky am I! 
Up coming auditions:
Wild Party
Sound of Music
9 to 5

"And though she be but little, she is fierce." - William Shakespeare 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea, but I'd rather be here than on land

Life has been SO CRAZY lately! Tonight is literally the first night time I've had more than an hour free. I just have so many different projects happening right now, and school is so close to be over that all my classes are intensifying. I have literally been living off coffee for the last few days so it was nice to have a real meal, and a drink other than coffee! :) Its back to the coffee tomorrow though, I get to: find a job, pay about 350 dollars in bills, take three tests at school, choreograph a dance, do 12 shows in a week, complete a project for my gmas birthday and list 10 quilts on ebay. Side note, I might be die from all this.

Today, just now, I saw a picture of Gray and it was so weird... I haven't seen him in over three months and then his picture pops up in my facebook news feed. It was like he wasn't even a real person in my life... Meaning, I looked at it and had such a strange feeling of "I can't believe I ever touched his chin, felt his skin, played with his hair." Not in a bad way but it literally felt like it all happened so long ago that I can't even believe that it did once happen. Haha I probably make no sense at all! It was just that to see a photo of someone I once thought I knew so very well and now know nothing at all about him, it was a strange thing. It didn't bring me any sadness. Which is always a good thing :)

I bought some candles today and when I blow candles out I always make wishes on them... even if it isn't my birthday because I figure why not take every chance I have to make a wish!? I bought three candles and my wishes were:
1. That I would allow myself to have beautiful new experiences and people
2. That my mother would feel joy and peace
3. That Gray would feel true, complete joy and peace

I have just been feeling very good lately. I mean I'm still me and at some point my world ends everyday, but then just as quickly, with a dance class, or a animal picture, or a song my world has started all over again and I'm as happy as can be. I've learned I am THE most dramatic. Oh well :) I'll be learning how to real it in at times in the coming months. But over all I have just been feeling good. Feeling happy. I've pretty recently started dating someone who is just the calmest, nicest, most genuine person. It was really unexpected, I mean we were just really good friends until everyone started asking me if we were dating and all of a sudden I was like "Oh wait... I mean why shouldn't we?" Why not spend time with someone who makes me feel good, and who treats me well? I have learned quiet a bit from this new situation. All I know is that in this moment I am learning, growing and I'm trying to live in this moment. I don't want to live in the past, six months ago, a year ago, all the fears I felt then, the hurt, the love, it isn't here in this moment. Its stuck there, in the past where it should be. I don't want to carry the old fears I had with me into my future. I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over. Which means I get to concur new fears. Whatever I felt in the past I can't carry with me. I can learn from it, I can remember the experience but why bother dwelling on what once was? I don't have yesterday, or tomorrow. I have today. And today I have these people in my life. And today I have these experiences to experience. So carpe diem!!

The last year of my life has been so crazy. I had hoped for so many things that will now never happen. I made so many plans that will never be completed. As I am getting ready for Christmas (I start celebrating November 1st) I was thinking back a year ago... where I was, who I was. Then thinking back to 2008, when I thought my life would end... and it didn't, it got better. Life now is better than it was then. And thinking back to the love I felt last year, the wonderful memories I made, and even though my plans didn't work out and that particular love wont be felt this year, I get to have new plans. I get to feel love for other people. I have a new group of people in my life who have expanded my capacity for love. I love more people this year than I did last year, and that is wonderful. That is joyful.

I mean I'm aware this post was a million hours long, congrats to whoever finishes it, if anyone actually does. You have just sat through a therapy session for me. Because now I feel even better than before I wrote it!! Now I'm off to bed :) Good night!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, you don't love me anymore

Empowered. Forgiven. Forgiving. Loving.
Today I took time to:

Its been a GREAT day. :) And its all ok. Different, unexpected, and ok.

Go run run run, ya its a long way down. But I am closer to the clouds up here

So I wrote a blog full of feelings and whiney things. Then I decided to just say this:

I get to be happy. 
I get to accept what I cannot change and change what I can.
I get to see the truth.
I get to know that some people don't want to be in my life, and thats ok.
I get to know that I deserve the best of everything always.
I get to know that I am incredible. 

Who does it hurt for me to feel like I am incredible? I am. It only creates positive energy when I believe that. It makes me feel better when I believe that about myself, making me kinder, braver, happier. All good things. 

So today I am incredible, strong, happy. Regardless of others actions, words, thoughts.
I am me. If God wanted me to be something else or someone else, He would have. God made me exactly as he wanted. I have the ability to be perfect. Haha now I'll just spend my whole life working to be that perfection. 

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." - D&C 18:10

"You can be excellent in every way. You can be first class. There is no need for you to be a scrub. Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Do not dwell on unkind things others may say about you. Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in you heart. Love life and look for its opportunities." - Gordon B Hinckley 

Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm better near to you

Last week, well mostly the end part of it was like this => as;ldkfja;lskdhgvoainvq;ewrfn;alksdhfoqeinvgaekljfna;sdifh;qowiefnaklsdjnfvnqoiweuhf.

-20 hours in a car
-Being so sick I passed out (ok well I didn't go totally black, but I did fall to the ground in pain... maybe I did pass out... whatever)
-Doing a dance show THAT NIGHT (This was so sad because I have wanted to do this Halloween show for SO LONG... then I was awfully sick, sad face.)
-Blowing a tire on the freeway
-Doing two shows on sat while still being sick
-Feeling awful, looking awful, being awful
-Ben asked me "How long do you go without thinking about HIM." I said "You know that song we just listened to? When it was finished I thought 'I didn't think about him once during that song.' thats about how long." Then I explained that in reality I've gone many hours, I mean do I think about it at least once a day. But he and I then talked about how it isn't always a sad, or I miss you thought. But like going through Vegas we both thought "Oh I was here with HIM once."(He thought about his HIM and me mine) Or "Oh HE drives that same car." Not a bad thought, not a good thought... just a thought.

But luckily that was but a small weekend! Today I feel like this => :D
-I feel so much better!
-I am seeing a movie with a cute boy tonight
-I was able to see my friends at school today
-My mother took such great care of me yesterday :)
-I have leftover homemade chicken noodle soup!
-I worked on a video for my Grandma's 90th birthday and saw so many pictures of her life and of my mom as a little kid
-Group MTP text messaging
-Its sunny but cool enough for a light jacket :)
-I'm the luckiest girl in the world
-The mood swings of sickness are GONE!
-I was able to spend sometime outside of Utah and made some really great connections
-I get to dance the the Darlings again this Friday!! :)

Side note: I LOVE Jen Tarasevich. She has provided so many chances for me to perform in this last year, dancing or singing. Not only that, but she is a FANTASTIC person. I love working with her and hope to continue working with her for a long time.

Also for any new readers, or newer: Every title is the lyric to a song, and its always a song that relates somehow to the post. Not always directly, but it'll be something that I'm feeling, that maybe I didn't feel I could put directly into the post. Some lyrics are my own, most aren't.

Happy day!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Was a prisoner inside now i'm breathing the air

Do you need a pick me up? Go click here. This is my room mates tumbler. When I need to remember important things like to be thankful, or happy, or that things will be ok, or that I'm beautiful, or to smile, haha ya know things like that, I visit her tumbler because I always feel... full after I visit it. Full of good things, and I like that. 

Also also aslo I am so lucky. SO LUCKY. Because I have so many great memories, friends, family, I just have so much. I HAVE SO MUCH!!! I am happy. 

Mom, Tia, Karli, Jaron, Carson, Tanner, Taylor, Shelby, Landon, Dustin, Trevor, Amanda. To these people I say this: Thank you! Thank you a million times over. Some of you I talk to everyday, some of you know everything about me, and some don't know much. This isn't a list of my best friends, but its a list of people who taught me something in the last two weeks. It was kind of a collective teaching but also I learned a lot from individuals. I was so surprised by the last two weeks... they just kinda sprang on me. And looking back on them I learned a lot. 
I learned (among other things) :
People will surprise you
Most people are good/kind
Some people want to bring you down
Most want to bring you up
A friend is always better than an acquaintance
Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing
I'll be ok
Its scary... and its also ok
Connecting with someone can be worth it
Things happen for a reason
When I take a leap of faith and open myself up, 9 times out of 10 the other person will too, making our connection/friendship/relationship stronger and better
Everyone has problems, so its ok if I do
Guilt isn't meant to be felt for more than a minute. Feel it and then do something about it
I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person
Its ok to want things. Its also ok when people don't want to give them to you. Get them yourself. And find someone/people who will assist you getting what you want. 
Knowing exactly what I want doesn't make me overbearing or controlling, it makes me CLEAR. 
Its ok for me to be me. All of me, all the time.

I will be learning these lessons over and over again. Because I forget. And I need to be reminded. But thats ok!!! Because what fun would life be if I learned everything right at once and then didn't learn anything else! Also as I look on the list of things I learned or RElearned, I think they are all pretty important, REALLY important. So its ok that I'll be learning these things over and over. :)

This album right now is on repeat,( Still... Dreaming Wide Awake: The Music of Scott Alan) I am loving every song! It just such a talented group of people and such great songs. I'd like to believe THIS is true. If it is or isn't I'm going to assume it is because its a happier ending and I'm creating a happy life.

I have a happy life. I do what I love, with who I love. I have so much to be thankful for, and I feel so thankful today. :)  

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

I will not get the chance to say this in person, so I'll say it here. This is MY space. No one can tell me my words, my truth is wrong. This will be all over the place and might make no sense. People will call me crazy or dramatic. But I just don't care.

I can't understand. And we all know how frustrated I become when I can't understand something. It was so clear by your actions that you weren't interested, that I was not important at all. So I decided to step away and let you do you. And in the process I allowed myself to realize that I do have value, that I am important, worthy, kind, loving. You had no interest in fixing things between us. I even reached out to you several times only to be ignored. When you said you would call and never ever did. 
Then I get so many mixed signals I didn't know what to do. You, Confessing your feelings, then when I replied you decided to ignore me. I just don't get this idea of running into my life, dropping bombs and then running away. You know that you were sending the message that you wanted to have some kind of connection, then you run. YOU emailed me. YOU text me. I just don't get it. You didn't want me. And at the first sign of me moving on, starting to do what YOU did without me, I get attacked. 
You were my person. I would never speak to you the way you have spoken to me. I could never. And the anger... I don't get that. I don't feel anger towards you at all. I don't know where that is coming from. I feel just so confused. 
You know exactly what I wanted. I made it so clear to you what I wanted the future to look like.

I am also very aware that its not easy... that I need what I need and I expect everyone to move at my pace. Its frustrating because I have such a hard time seeing the grey in situations. So its hard for me to see how a situation could be and is different for another person. I know. I know I ask things that don't come easily to everyone. You asked me to be there for you for so long while you were working yourself out and when I needed that, when I needed you to let ME be the one who was struggling, I wasn't allowed. I worked with you, did all I knew how to do and in the end it wasn't enough for you. So why. Why come back and throw a bomb in my face and then run away? I waited for you for so long. And you never came back for me. So I dealt with that, I am doing the best I can with the things that have happened. We have both said things weren't supposed to be like this. I have always been open to rewriting, creating a new ending. But it feels like every time you come around to "talk" I end up in tears. I don't want to cry about you anymore. 
You accuse me of lying, while you are lying to my face and to everyone else. Do you really think I haven't heard the your stories. That I haven't heard about your "adventures"? You said "Have fun", and I hope you fun when you take your trip to the east. I know. 
Its like every time I feel like I am so happy, happier than I have been in a long time you sense it and run back to push me down and make me feel awful. No more of that. 
You are a kind good person. I just wish I got to see more of that person. You don't want me in your life and you don't love me. So let me go. Let me be loved by someone who will actually be there for me, who will truly love ME. I would have loved you my whole life. But now that is someone else's path. Just go get the life you really want. You get to have that. You get to be happy. So go and get it. And let go of me so I can do the same. I'm working to create something beautiful here, out of a heartbreak I'm trying to make beauty. Don't destroy it. 

This keeps running through my head:

"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose this. 
I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Trying so hard to today to not be scary and damaged. But my heart. But... my heart. I thought I was ready... and I am afraid I'm not. Why is this so hard? Just needing a person. My person. So why aren't they here. 

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Thank you

I heard this tonight and couldn't help but relate to it so so much. I mean more the verses than the chorus, but I just feel this song. 

Now its time to party with my amazing friends :) 

"Thank U"

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

When there's more, so much more. Let me take your hand.

Some have told me I shouldn't support this group, that I shouldn't love their music. But I do. I just love this song. I get it. I mean I just GET it. I feel it. "Every flaw that we see within you and me is beauty". I feel that. I just feel like giving love to everyone, without any strings attached to that love. Haha maybe thats a hippie or out there thought. But I don't care. 

"No Strings"
The Anser

You're choosing words ever so slowly
Holding back, what havent you told me
In your eyes its gonna hurt
The truth we find in lies
Where are you, lost in a tomorrow
As you drown seeing only sorrow
When there's more, so much more
Let me take your hand

And before you say another word
Just trust the love you have is heard
Every flaw that we see within you and me
Is beauty

Cause there are no strings
No fine print at the bottom
No strings
To keep my love around you
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
With no Strings

Your knees are weak
I can see you're barely breathing
In your mind fear has left you thinking
What you have, have to say
Could make me run away

So before you say another word
Just trust the love you have is heard
Every flaw that we see within you and me
Is beauty

Cause there are no strings
No fine print at the bottom
No strings
To keep my love around you
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
With no Strings

Just say what you gotta
Just say what you gotta
Just say what you gotta say
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
And I'll love you anyway
Speak the truth
Speak the truth
And I'll love you anyway

Cause there are no strings
No fine print at the bottom
No strings
To keep my love around you
Just say what you gotta say
And I'll love you anyway
With no Strings

Monday, October 3, 2011

Happy Birthday Dear Jessica

Yesterday was my birthday!! And it couldn't have been better. It was full of love and laughter and smiling and feeling good. I had the best breakfast with THE BEST people. I have some amazing friends. Ones who will change flights so they could make a stop in Utah to see me. Ones who jump on my bed singing Happy Birthday to wake me up. I am so lucky to have them around me, they love me, encourage me to grow and stretch, listen to me, they are just there for me. It feels so good to have people who will come to you and talk it out if there is a problem, or who will always answer their phone or callback. Again I just feel so lucky. (Also I got roses! Birthday flowers are just the best!! Better still when from a cute boy;)

My mother knows how to do birthdays. When I got to her house she had ballons and cupcakes in my favorite flavors and colors!! She always knows how to make someone feel special. We saw an AMAZING movie "50/50" GO SEE IT! I cried and laughed and just left feeling good :) And as always we ate food that was just as amazing :) I must admit I do feel a little spoiled that I get to have my mom around, she is just a 45 min drive away.

The day ended with a meal cooked by handsome men followed by a movie and dessert.

Over all this birthday was so good. So so good. I am the luckiest girl and I know I say that phrase over and over, but I really feel that way. I get to have so many good things in my life. I have so many good memories and I get to make more of them. I feel like I am in the right place doing the right thing. And that makes me feel joyful!!

Have a beautiful day :)

Friday, September 30, 2011

In Your Eyes, its Gonna Hurt. The Truth We Find in Lies.

Somtimes I hate facebook. Without looking for something I stumble upon what I have been trying to avoid. I wish I didn't love the song "No Strings"... But I do. Maybe its because I know part of it is about me... literally. At least when it was written it was.  I wish all the good things in the world for them, for him. I wish happiness, love, passion, authentic connections. "But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?" I can't pretend my heart does't ache sometimes. 

Its kinda weird to love my life so much... because I'm used to feeling anxiety or like my life isn't how I want it, or that so many things are going wrong OR I'll be totally on the flip side, things will be perfect, I'll feel no pain. But where I am now I am feeling so much love and appreciation for what is happening in my life. I love going to school and learning. I love being in My Fair Lady. I love my friends. I love my family. I love feeling happy every single day. I love thinking I am the luckiest girl. I love my apartment. I just really feel like things are moving in the right direction... maybe growing is a better word, things are growing in the right direction. And even in the moment when I watched the no strings video, when I was crying and feeling anxiety, I now feel happy that I don't have to feel that way all the time. I feel so happy that I can have five min of sadness and then continue feeling happy... Because there have been times in my life when I couldn't feel anything but sadness. So the fact that it was only five min in the last week... well that is great. 

I am not easy. I expect a lot. Because I'm willing to give that much back. I know that does't always work for people. I just don't know how to be something I'm not... I don't know how to not feel passionate or how to not want what I want. I thought I just was this way in romantic relationships, but I'm not in one, and I can see that I do this with everyone. 

I am learning that I get to have so many beautiful experiences and not cut them short just because they might not be what I want in the end. No I don't want to live in Utah forever... but why spend my time here thinking about how I can't wait to leave? Wouldn't my time be served better by enjoying it while I am here? Can this... situation, really go anywhere... probably not but, does that mean I can't enjoy it for what it is? We probably wont be friends forever, but does that mean I should cut that person out of my life just? NO! Because who knows what I will create. Who knows what will happen. I get to enjoy what IS and WHAT I MAKE. I love creating and how great that I can create a whole life full of different people, places, memories, relationships, friendships, families. :):) I am the luckiest. 

Todays soundtrack is:
After the Storm - Mumford & Sons
Be Calm - FUN
Next 2 You - Bieber and Chris Brown
It Girl - Jason Derulo
Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

Also GO GET GAVIN DEGRAWS NEW MUSIC!!!! He has always been a favorite of mine and I am loving his new stuff. 

I feel so good after just writing some of my thoughts! Thank you blogger :) And readers! :) Sorry this is the most rambling randomness post. Sometimes its just needed.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I feel like the girl I thought I'd never find

I had never heard of Katie Thompson until last night... and I am OBSESSED! I love the fullness of her voice, her emotion. Ugh she is SO TALENTED!!! A lot of broadway singers right now are so.... light or bright or... lacking supstance. Even Natalie Weiss (who I am a fan of) doesn't have this kind of substance. It is so refreshing to hear. LOVE HER. 

Its been a really good week. REALLY GOOD. I spent time with my amazing friends, did lots of homework, aced a few tests, ;), felt happy, felt giddy, laughed, smiled, sang, danced... in school and in my room, I just was LIVING! And I'm dance captain for my cast at Hale! I mean its not a huge deal, but lets be honest I'm excited about it! I LOVE the choreographer so I think I'm excited because she picked me! Haha I am silly I know :) 

I've made lots of realizations this week. No need to go into them because all that is important is this: I am happy almost always. I feel the things I need to. I HAVE HOPE. I know I can do everything I want to do. I get to do it. Maybe my path has been and will be different than what I had planned or wanted, but that doesn't mean it can be beautiful. 

(as performed by Katie Thompson)
Isn't this, you know, kind of crazy?
A part of me finds it hard to believe.
Two adults, no yelling, no blaming:
For everything that came between

You look good, and I hear you're quite successful.
I always knew you would be.
Your children look just like you
and your wife is quite beautiful and ... Oh, me?

Well, I met a guy from St. Louis.
Kind of came out nowhere, but he's nice.
I was on tour and he asked me out after one show and
I thought maybe I should give it a try.

And suddenly I felt like a girl in college once again
Similar to the feelings I'd get with you.
The butterflies inside, the constant tongue ties, and
I thought, maybe this could be good...

And now 
With him I just fall again.
With him,
With him I just feel again.
With him
I come alive.
I feel like the girl
I thought I'd never find.
With him I just love again

I used to believe
That we'd be together for eternity.
It was hard to see
That future wasn't for you and me.

Remember when we laid in the park to soak up the sun and
How scared you were of all the pigeons?
You were convinced they were on a mission to chase you out 
And as we kissed, I think one pooped in your hair.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to get nostalgic and all, but
Look, there are things I want to know.
Like - how did you and your wife meet? 
and - did you end up proposing on a beach?
I know that's how you wanted ours to go.

To tell you the truth
Being here with you is so strange.
As you sip your coffee I feel my heart rearrange.
I'm afraid ... so afraid. 
You smile, and you laugh, and you still give me hope.
The what ifs and could beens, what we'll never know.
I wish I was stronger, I'm sorry...
I need to go

Cause with you
I just fall again
With you I just ...
With you, I just feel again
With you
I come alive
I feel like the girl I used to like.
With you I just ... 
With him I must ...
With you I just love again.