Sunday, December 26, 2010

So this is Christmas

13 min ago it was Christmas. And it was the best one I've had so far.

I spent it with the person I am in love with and with family. 

I even got teary eyed as the clock came close to midnight because I didn't want it to be over.

I wouldn't change a single thing about this day.

Yes, I did get any gift I could have wanted or did want, but it paled in comparison to the happiness I felt today. I wish those gifts could be exchanged for another day as happy as this one was. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to All a good night. 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'm the perfect mistake that I'm hoping you'll make

I have that feeling. That uh oh feeling.

I feel old.

I feel like I'm nowhere near graduating.

I feel like I should have stayed at BYU, I would have been done so soon.

I feel like I have no idea what to major in.

I feel panicked.

I feel conflicted.

Heaven Help me.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

This is real this is me, I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be

Just incase you didn't notice I've started to make every blog title the line of a song. Its going to be my "thing" so be excited... I wonder if anyone even reads my blog...

I have this insatiable need to have things that are mine. My apartment. My bed. My car. A day thats Mine.

Also to do things on my own.

In my performance and culture class several of us did a presentation about ourselves or about someone we had read about. I was the only one who picked to do the project on someone else... Everyone else had to just tell the class about themselves, while I had to do research on someone else and memorize a page of info on them.
And in my Media and Pop culture class we had to do a group project where we wrote a 12 page paper, made a website and gave a presentation. I picked to do this alone. I could have had a group but I did it all myself.

I caused myself a lot of extra work and stress because I wanted to do it myself and have "my" projects.

I'm not selfish. I'm actually good at sharing. The issue here was rather that it was to much effort for me to put myself on the line. To do a project with others would require me speaking to others, reaching out to them. I was to shy. And instead of talking about myself and who I am I picked to spend hours researching someone else.

What does that say about me? And do I like it?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Who do you think you are running around making scars

My dog puts holes in all my clothing. Including my favorite tights, and hoodie. I wish I could declaw him... I would except thats a horrible thing to do to an animal. Very inhumane. So I wont do it.

I have to do all this before Sunday:
Write a 12 page paper 4000 words
Make two costumes for my dance show
come up with a monologue that is 5 min long
finish cheorographing two dances
stay sane

I'll get it done. And It'll be great.

Friday, November 26, 2010


I love all things fabulous.
I was going to fill a whole blog post about it. Then I found these shoes... and it was all the fabulousity I thought was needed. Enjoy.

I will covet these shoes all the days of my life.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


I wish I could sleep all day. Then I remember that I can't lay in bed more than ten minutes after I wake up.

I wish I had a TV. Then I think of the little free time I have being taken up by TV. Then I'm glad I don't have one... Still I'd like one for movies.

I'm happy that my mom and I worked out together today. I'm so proud of her. Sometimes I still struggle to go 20 min on the elliptical. She blew right by it.

I am a beautiful, inspiring powerful woman. I need to remember that more often.

I love my dog Tito. He is so affectionate and loving. Just what a little puppy ought to be.

I don't so much like the idea of becoming a nurse.... I might go into teaching... I kinda hate that I even just had that thought. Because I always grew up thinking "I'll never be a teacher. Sick." I've always just loathed the idea. Completely. Until I started teaching dance.

I love teaching dance. A lot.
I love teaching people about exercise. And Nutrition.

So maybe I'll teach those things... I'd like to start my own wellness company actually. Where I have a wellness center where dance classes are offered, nutrition classes, cooking classes, and exercise classes. And through this I could make programs for people to lead them to a healthier life.
I would love to have a partner in this wellness company. We'd need to speed some serious time. But I believe it would be very successful.
The catch is that my partner and I would need to be the prime example of wellness. Ya know, eating working out all that jazz. And I'm not quite there...

So this means its time to go to work. Once I'm there I will be in a place to start my company.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Body Issues

Have always been big for me. And I can't promise that I am out of the woods yet but I discovered something cool today. Well it started last weekend when I staffed great life. Great life for me just makes me so much happier and more confident of who I am, and therefore more confident about my body.

Normally when I start to get down on myself about my body I think "Well Kim Kardashian and I have the same measurements except my hips and waist are both an inch or two inches smaller than hers and she is on everyones 'hot list' so I shouldn't feel bad." But this week I found myself just loving myself. In a good way. I took care of myself, was more aware of what I put into my body and was more confident. I didn't lose a single pound and I wasn't trying to. But tonight so many people said "you look great." or "it looks like you've been working out, you look awesome" or things to a similar effect.

It was amazing to see how when I loved myself it invited other people to as well. Or at least to notice my smoking hot body.

I feel like everyone should feel that way about themselves. Nope I'm not perfect. And yes I could have gone to the gym a few more times this week. But I love who I am, including my body. I wish everyone the same.

Friday, October 22, 2010


I am sick! Still. Lucky for me I have an awesome boyfriend who comes to my house and gives me delicious drinks (zero calorie vitamin water) and scary movies! And lucky that I have a cute dog named Tito who has kept me company. AND lucky that I have wonderful books.

I staffed great life part one this last weekend. It was so amazing! It was like going through it all over again. Only more exhausting. I think thats why I got sick actually. I just ran my body down. But it was worth it. I get to staff part two next weekend. I'm really excited about it.

Halloween is coming. And I am ready. I am going to be lady gaga :) I have my wig, my costume and my shoes all ready to go. Gray is being Michael Jackson, so we'll be the best pop stars ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also I am excited for Christmas season. Only ten days until I get to pull out my Christmas music. And till I can start in with the peppermint hot chocolates!!! I love Christmas time so much. It'll actually be my first with Gray :) Even though it'll be our third since knowing each other, the first year he was in Tennessee, then the next year I was in Portland plus we were kinda in a weird place. So I'm excited to have my best friend to do all the wonderful Christmas activities with :)

Keeping up with the Kardashians ends this weekend. My heart is saddened by this. I like to see what Kim wears every show... because I know if it looks good on her it'll look good on me. (I'm an inch taller than she is and a few inches smaller but pretty much the same idea) I guess I'll have to fend the fashion world all on my own.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Just the way you are

Things anyone who would like to be my friend should know about me

1. I hate liars
2. I'm the most loyal person I know.
3. Carson Twitchell is the 2nd most loyal person I know. This is why we are such good friends.
4. I like trashy TV like Keeping up with the Kardashians.
5. I'm secretly thrilled when people tell me I look like them.
6. I have a weird obsession with grapes... black grapes.
7. I'm mostly attracted to black men.
8. I hate silly movies. Like cartoon movies... I almost hated Finding Nemo until I actually saw it.
9. I always have lip gloss with me. ALWAYS.
10. 99% of the time I have extra spearmint gum on me.
11. I have two guitars in my apt.
12. I like purple.
13. I'm actually shy.
14. I'm not shy because I'm not confident. I'm shy because I already have friends and I don't trust new people easily.
15. I don't like it when people say they "love me" when we've never even had a real conversation. I get the whole "love everyone" thing and I guess it some form I do have a little bitty bit of love for almost everyone, but not enough to say "love ya" to them.
16. For years I didn't like to touch anyone. Sometimes I still don't.
17. I'm hopelessly romantic.
18. Sometimes I don't think I want kids. Then I remember that I will someday.
19. Mostly I think the above because I'm not good with babies.
20. I'm not good with babies because they can't talk to me and tell me what they need.
21. I'm big on communication. If you have a problem just tell me.
22. Never beat around the bush. Its a waste of time.
23. I love earrings.
24. I will always love my mothers bed more than mine. Its always more comfortable.
25. I don't like going to sleep. But I love sleeping.
26. I'm LDS but I have gay friends. SURPRISE we aren't crazy.
27. If there was a riot against that stupid Boyd K Packer riot I would have gone.
28. I love my gay friends. They are wonderful people... most of them.
29. I don't judge. I leave that for Jesus.
30. If I'm really comfortable around you, I'll start acting like a little kid and talking like one.
31. I like animals a lot, like this bunny

Monday, October 4, 2010

Rain Rain Rain

Today I have nothing to do. Literally nothing. And I don't like that at all. I wish that I had work today or that I had rehearsal for something.

I am feeling the loneliness start. I love living where I do and I love love love the city, and I am enjoying my classes so much. But today I am feeling tender about leaving BYU and all the people. Even though most of the people I love most also left, I miss having us all together... I miss being at Ben, Dallin and Johns apartment everyday with Pj. I miss singing together in the RB, I miss dancing in studios at all hours of the night. I miss watching TV shows with my mom a few nights a week. Its hard going from this elite program where literally everyone in your major is your friend and you know every single person in your major, to not knowing anyone in your classes, and I don't live in the dorms so its harder to make friends.

I guess what I'm saying is I miss friends. Being in a serious relationship is wonderful, its been one of the greatest joys so far in my life. But it leaves little room for as close of friendships as you had before. This is why I loved girls night so much this summer. Because I was able to have a night completely dedicated to my friendships, particularly my friendships with girls. Girls night hasn't happened in a while... :( hopefully it can start again. I feel a twinge of jealousy every time a table of girls comes into the restaurant to eat, or when its just two women sitting at talking over dessert. Brooke and I used to do that... now she is states away. I need girls.

Maybe the rainy day is just rubbing off on me.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Glitter in the air

I have my very own apartment. It is going to be fabulous. As soon as I figure out how to decorate it. I was thinking something like this...
If I could have that purple and white rug I think I might die of pure joy and fabulousity. I'd add more purple pillows to the grey couch however. 

And I have turned my living room closet into my own personal closet. I just needed more space and refused to settle. That being said I plan on turning my bedroom closet into a study area. It already has built in shelves so I am going to put in a little desk and some lights in there and it will be perfect. 
I like living alone. The only down side is that I'm alone. 
It is scary. And fun. And grown up.

On a side note, I love going to the University of Utah. It is such a better fit than BYU was.
I love my classes.
I love the campus.
I love Salt Lake.

On Monday I start training for a half marathon. 
Pray for me.

I couldn't be more thrilled that there is a target opening a few blocks from my new apt in October.

I find that I am amused by the silliness of lots of people. 
We freak out way to often.

My boyfriend got me a puppy :) 
His name is Tito.
We love him.
He is a mini Australian Shepard.
Family pictures will soon be posted.

I wish I could buy all the organization things ever created. 
Maybe then I'd be organized.
Maybe not.
I literally don't know how to organize things. 

I love purple a lot.

I find joy in good music. I've been finding a lot of it lately.
I also feel anxiety when music is not playing. 
Therefore I have an iPod dock in every room. 
I think best when there is music.

I am going to sign up to be a staff member for Great life. 
No font size or capital letters could express my excitement.

I am officially having a girls night every week. 
I'd never actually spent a whole night with just girls until this summer, because normally I don't like girls. 
We are often full of drama and extra feelings.
Also I don't like touching people, and girls like to hug and stuff... I'm working on that.
I digress.
I have throughly enjoyed girls night this summer, so I will make an effort to continue it.
Tasha please understand that you will be joining. 

Also Tasha, our puppies need to have a play date.
As long as they'll place nice with the other kids. 

Happy day to you all :)   

Thursday, August 5, 2010

And he sings this to me

As we start driving to Vegas Gray says I want to show you a song that makes me think of you. It's so my song to you babe. Then he sings this to me :)

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Thursday, July 22, 2010


"we must ever remember who we are and what god expects us to become." - Thomas s. Monson

"as you continue to face many challenging choices in life, remmeber, there is great protection when you know who you are, why you are here, and where you are going" - Russell m. Nelson

"and he said, the things which are impossible with men are possible with God." - like 18:27

The lase week and a half has been the most frustrating period of time this whole year. I was feeling like I was getting things together and organized. Like I was finally on top of it all. Then everything fell apart. And I have no time to put it back together. I sprained my knee so even the simplest tasks are hard. Driving. Walking up stairs. Sleeping. I'm exhausted. In the last week I've worked 43.5 hours. All those hours have been spent dancing or walking all on my sprained knee. And I have 21 hours yet to work in the next three days. And yet my body doesn't sleep well because the pain in my knee.

I've let myself have 0 time for anyone else or even myself. Until tonight. When I oped my bible. I haven't been home for more than an hour and yet i feel revitalized. I wish I would have remembered this earlier. I could use this feeling more often I'd be happier. I'd be a better person. I'd be... Me. The me I am when I don't let everything else take over.

Remember "I can do all things, through Christ; which strengtheneth me."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I can do it right? Right.

I have four jobs. Lagoon, Bebe, Pirates of Penzance and Macaroni grill. I have decided to cut down on Bebe and no longer do Pirates. I would love to do it, but I would rather do Frightmares, so thats what I will be doing.

Also I need time. I've been so busy the last few weeks, I feel like I haven't had anytime to just be me. Do to something just for me, just because I want to.

I'm exhausted. But at least its from doing things I love. I wouldn't go back and change any of it. Maybe someday soon I'll have time for a Grey's anatomy and a nap :)

I got caught in a rain storm yesterday... and I didn't dance or play in it at all because I had things to do... thats a sign that I've let myself be to busy. A month ago I never would have ran to get out of the rain. So although I do love life right now, its time for a little shift. I love everything I'm doing, but I need to love myself more than my activities and right now I don't.

Gray couldn't be sweeter to me. Quotes of yesterday include "Baby you can beat this and I'm here to hold your hand through it." "Baby girl you are the most perfect thing to me. I love you." " You're my angel."

I adore him.

Friday, May 28, 2010


Hahaha also... I received a very interesting call from a certain... code of honors... which had some pretty crazy things to say... and asked me some pretty crazy questions. Some were not so crazy, but I had to honestly laugh and a few questions I was asked. Oh goodness. It was all cleared up, thankfully. But it got me thinking a lot.

I was asked if I wanted to basically "tell on" anyone. And I was shocked. No. No I do not want to place myself on a holier than thou thrown and gossip about people behind there back, have them possibly kicked out of school for something that I don't even really know happened, and then make it impossible for anyone to find out that I said it. Thanks code of honor, but I think I wont gossip and I will not spread lies around. And if I have a problem with someone, I'll go talk to them. I'm not afraid, and I don't need to go behind backs. Thanks for the offer though.

Hahahaha Oh code of honor... and those who love it so.

Guess what

I'm living in the city now and let me tell you... This is where I belong. I am a city girl! I live up the hill from the heart of Salt Lake City. I love where I live. I love my room mate. I love the city. Never again will I live in a small town. That is not for me. I feel so wonderful here. Everything seems better. I have moments when I drive around and think... I live here!!! I love the city. I love the city. I love the city.

Which brings me to my next thing. I have applied to the UofU. I am so in love with where I am that I can't imagine be stuck in Provo ever again. I was thinking and I thought "I hate being in Provo. I don't like BYU. I love the city. I hate what goes on behind closed doors at BYU. If I don't like where I go to school and the city its in... why do I go there? For a good Music dance theater program? Yeah its good. Ya I've learned so freaking much. And I wouldn't trade those years for anything. But its comfortable... easy. And I don't like it. I'm going to give myself the chance to grow and the chance to be uncomfortable. The chance to be me and not worry about it." So thats when I found the first computer I could and applied to transfer to the U of U. I am excited about it. I'm excited to have a fresh start. Excited to be around real people. Excited to be away from a place that was not good for me, and be in a place that is good for me. I prayed for like two hours about it. And only felt more excited after. It feels good. Lets hope they'll accept me so late!

Also... I have no internet at my house... which means I can't facebook or blog or hulu or anything internet wise. Its frustrating but also a good break for me.

and I'm in love... a lot. :)

K thats all for now!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I miss Hawaii already. I wish I could move all the people I love there, and we could just live on the beach...or in the forest. Either one is great. I loved being there. And it was great to just wake up and say "today I want to snorkel." or "today I want to sit on the beach all day and read" and so I did. It was a much needed vacation.

I will live in Hawaii someday. I promise.

One thing not so great... I didn't run a single day there... its been almost two weeks since I have been running. Ugh. I'm starting again tomorrow though. I've gotta work my way back up. And I will!!!

I move to salt lake this week. I'm moving in with my friend Bronwyn, and I'm excited about it. We are both big on fitness and being healthy so it'll be great to live with someone who will push me to keep me on track and I can do the same for her.

I can tell that it's going to be a good summer.

Also, I just ate two fiber one bars and a fudgesicle and don't feel bad at all about it. :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010


This time of the month. Oh what fun experiences you bring.
I should be packing. But it stresses me out and I'm tired. So I'll make a list. Of things I love. Things I'm excited to start loving and things I look forward to.

Here we go.

Cherry blossom. I took this picture at my friends house. Thank you Zach :)
I am a dog lover. Especially mini huskies :)
Nights like this. Ya know the ones where you go to dennys till 2 am
then toilet paper houses for the first time, lay in the middle of the street
talk to the cops in said street at 4 am, hop fences and jump into pools
Those kind of nights.
Laughing like this. With people like her. 
  Playing your dream role.
Playing a role made for me...or so I like to think :) Come on she sings
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty" and "There's a place for us...somewhere, somehow, someday."
This boy.
Running. Actually running!
 JILLIAN MICHAELS. She inspired me to start p90x and insanity. AND to start making meal plans and workout plans for people. This pic also is for my love of exercise.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Things I thought Wouldn't happen till I was older

I didn't think at 21 I'd:

1. Worry about money everyday
2. Be in Love
3. Ready: US today
4. Have an application on my phone called "brain trainer"
5. Have so much faith in my religion
6. Know what I want
7. Love who I am
8. Pay bills
9. Cook so much
10. Miss family game nights

Friday, April 9, 2010

So much

So much. SO much.

Is happening
Is changing
Is growing
Is difficult
Is shaping me
Is joyful
Is testing
Is perfect for me
Is fun
Is going on

So much.

I wish was different
I am thankful for
I pray for
I ask for
I expect
I intend
I love

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Alright Folks. Probably a billion people have asked me what I eat and how I work out. I reply that I eat healthy and that I'm in the gym a lot... BUT I've been wanting to write down some of my favorite healthy meals, snacks, foods in general, and people have been wanting me to do so also! So here it is... Finally. Its not all by any means, but I have a few min right now so I thought I'd write some down :) Enjoy :)

First of all, I do not ever use butter to cook. Never ever. One its bad for you, two its high calorie and three why use it when "I can't believe its not butter" Spray is amazing? BUY IT. Its in a spray bottle and it is 0 Calories!
Salt = don't use it. Or don't use it much. There is already a lot of salt in stuff. There is plenty. Mrs Dash has no salt seasonings which are so amazing!
Truvia = BUY IT. Its all natural, and its a great way to get something sweet without eating real sugar.

EAT SATURATED FATS! Our body needs them
Three or four servings of the following foods will be enough for a day
-Dark chocolate
-Extra Virgin Olive Oil


Strawberries!  (Probably the best/lowest calorie snack ever)
A whole carton is around 40-50 calories
Dip them in no calorie sweetener

Top a Graham Cracker with Cool whip and Strawberries!
Total Calories = around 150

Fruit and Milk
Unsweetened Almond Milk is what I use for everything, cereal, fruit you name it.
This works with Fresh or Frozen fruit

1 cup of fruit
1 cup Almond milk
Total Calories = 100

I love fish a lot... it was sad coming to Utah because I personally don't think its a good idea to eat fish in a landlocked state. Especially because I come from Oregon. Land of delicious fresh daily fish. BUT I have given in.

Season all with "I can't believe its not butter" Spray and Mrs Dash NO SALT
1 Talapia fillet
1 Med red potato
1-2 Cup veggies
Total Calories = 230-270 (Depending on the type of veggies you choose and how much)

Ok I have lots more, but right now I don't have time!

Keep looking back for more :)

Friday, March 26, 2010

Casey At the Bat- WE FINALLY OPENED!

Tonight was the first show of "Casey at The Bat". Not just our first show, but the first show...ever. Which is so exciting. Its thrilling that so many important people are flying in to see this show. The writers did Disney's beauty and the beast and several other projects.

I didn't realize until late that this is a big deal. Lots bigger than we thought. I'm pretty sure all our shows are sold out, if not all, all but one.

Every person to ever play my character (Margret) will base her off what I have done with her... I originated a role! Already! WOW! Thats a big deal!

I am so lucky to be a part of this. I'm happy I decided to do this show. Its been a blast, and the people in it are so talented its crazy. I hope everyday that some of their talent will rub off on me. BONUS, they are great people too!

Life is pretty great. I get to sing, dance and act for a few hours everyday, my whole family is in town, I've got lots of strawberries in my fridge, I'm in love with a boy, A boys in love with me, God and I are talking a lot, things are just good. Simple and good.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

March 14th. Always a big day.

March 14th 2006 my close friend Nick Vining took his life. I can't believe that was four years ago. I was a jr in high school. I just can't believe that life kept going...even after Nick was gone. There aren't many people I still talk to from high school, but I talk to Nick. He was the funniest person I've ever met. Without fail he'd always ask me when I was breaking up with my boyfriend and coming back to him. Haha my first date was with Nick :) It couldn't have been cuter or sweeter. We went to my schools homecoming dance as Dorothy and the Tin man. And yes Nick I still have the heart necklace you gave me. I miss you Nick. Thinking about you still makes me smile. I love you.

And then Last year...

March 14th 2009. The day I never thought would come. Gray came back. I remember thinking I'd never be at the point where I could say "It was a year ago." I felt as though I'd never get out of it. But here I am. Saying "It was a year ago." Who would have guessed this last year would have been so crazy. But it was needed. And now its back as it should be. As we say, our hearts never left.

March 14th 2010. Life has never been better.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

He Said, "This is my song to you."

It's hard to believe,
Where we are now.
Your hand in mine, babe,
Feels right somehow.
But now its okay,
So don't make a sound.
Cause its almost perfect,
So, baby, Don't you look down.

We've had our past,
Leave that behind.
Cause none of it lasts,
All that we have is tonight.

Cause you're not the only one,
Who's ever felt this way.
Don't let the world cave in,
Just tell me that you'll stay.

Now that the pain is done,
No need to be afraid.
We don't have time to waste,
Just tell me that you'll stay.

Beautiful, one of a kind.
You're something special babe,
And you don't even realize
That your my hearts desire.

All I want and more.
I know you're scared,
But I promise, babe,
I'm not who I was before.

Cause you're not the only one,
Who's ever felt this way.
Don't let the world cave in,
Just tell me that you'll stay.

Now that the pain is done,
No need to be afraid.
We don't have time to waste,
Just tell me that you'll stay.

Cause you're not the only one,
Who's ever felt this way.
Don't let the world cave in,
Just tell me that you'll stay.

Now that the pain is done,
no need to be afraid.
We don't have time to waste,
Just tell me that you'll stay.

Tell me, tell me you'll stay.
No, tell me.
Tell me that you'll stay.
-Written by Nick Jonas 

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

P90X vs. Insanity

P90X is this wonderful workout program that is all the latest craze. So my roomies and I decided to do it together to get ready for Sexy Swim Day. However, I go to the gym everyday. Every. Single. Day. I do not miss a day, even when I am sick. I do at least 25 min of cardio followed by weights. Legs one day, arms the next and so forth. And abs everyday. So I would spend at least an hour and a half at the gym. P90X is only an hour a day, and I wasn't really seeing the results I wanted. In fact I felt like I was in better shape and pushing myself more when I was doing my own workout plan.

SO my roommate Holly came to me and said she felt similar and wanted to try INSANITY. Insanity is a 60 day program that is made by the same people who made P90X only its a lot harder. (clearly...I mean its called Insanity people.) So we bought it and I did the first video today, and it was perfect. Just hard enough to make me sweat, but not so much that I wanted to die. After day 60 there are going to be pictures posted here, so be looking out for them!

50 Things I Love

1. My New Testament class at BYU
2. The study guide my mom gave me to use in my New Testament class
3. Dancing
4. Music
5. Singing
7. Acting
8. My mom
9. My iPhone
10. Musicals
11. Good movies
12. Breaking the rules
13. Friends
14. My room mates
15. P90X/insanity
16. Turkey deli meat
17. Crunchy apples
18. Where I live. Like the building(i'm not referring to Utah)
19. The sun
20. Being warm
21. Working out
22. My brothers
23. My grandma
24. Answered prayers
25. Gray
26. Love
27. Washing my face
28. Taking showers
29. The smell of rain
30. Keeping up with the Kardashians
31. Driving
32. Jesus
34. God
35. When the wind is warm
36. My laptop
37. Good conversations
38. Weekly meals at outback
39. Anything that has rhinestones on it
40. Purple
41. Feedback
42. Naps
43. Cool whip
44. Crystal light
45. My bed
46. Fashion
47. Being a girl
48. Working
49. Myself
50. My moms bed

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I love you anyway

"Things have not been easy I guess everybody knows
we've had our highs but oh we've had our lows
hope that you remember those cozy summer nights
when something deep inside you told you this was right
and even when you tell me we don't fit that well we got something beautiful i hope you agree
because you mean so much to me, that
I love you anyway, yes I love you anyway
even on the rainy days
when you wont meet my gaze and there's nothing left to say,
thats when I know its true 
that I was meant to be with you,
so you can do what you may 
but I will always stay
'cause I love you any way
I don't if I'll ever be what you really need,
but I'll just keep on trying even if I don't succeed
I really hope I get there even if for just one day
and if I don't I really hope you say
I love you anyway yes I love you anyway
even on the rainy days
when you wont meet my gaze and there's nothing left to say
thats when I know its true
that I was meant to be with you
so you can do what you may
but I will always stay
'cause I love you anyway
nobody likes to think that someone see's the ugly in them
but people wind up all alone if they don't let somebody in 
and its a bit nieve to think that loving, living together we wont see
all the shamefull things inside us, but if we love then we'll be free
to be you and me and we'll agree that unconditionally
I love you anyway yes I love you anyway
even on the rainy days
when you wont meet my gaze and there's nothing left to say,
thats when I know its true
that I was meant to be with you
so you can do what you may
but I will always stay
'cause I love you anyway
yes I love you anyway"

I'm in love. Despite all my efforts not to be. I fought it hard, but I lost. I learned that I can't fight love. 
Love is love. Its always going to win. :) 

Friday, February 19, 2010


Paul. I am amazed at all Paul has said. The wisdom he had and shared is incredible. 

I had a major reading day in Romans. It was a little rough. Paul doesn't speak like most of the scriptures, he is hard to understand. At least for me. But wow, I found some powerful things in Romans today. I have so many new favorites. One being:

Romans 12: 21"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."

Simple. Powerful. True.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

SEXY SWIM DAY (And all that goes along with it)

SEXY SWIM DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've found that when I have a positive, reward/goal to work toward I do better at achieving said goal. So Pj and I created Sexy Swim Day. Its May 1 2010 and on this day we plan on going to the pool with our new sexy bodies that we have worked so hard to get. We are going to reward ourselves. Enrolling others in my goal always assists me, so now almost all my friends are working towards the same goal. And its great to have people who can come from a loving place and say "do you really want to eat that Jessica? Sexy swim day." I can call or text them and they assist me keeping on track. PLUS it makes me accountable to someone other than myself, and for me that a big motivator.

Just for some extra info, I typed a huge post all about my new passions that I'm working toward, and it was all deleted. Ugh. BUT hopefully I'll get them up in shorter versions.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Love it

This morning (Feb 15th) I woke up to my alarm (demi lovato ringtone on my phone) rolled over and turned it off. THEN I pressed play on my iHome and took the chances to see what songs fate would have me wake up to today. Today fate loves me. The first song played was:

Hey soul sister - Train - My current favorite. I can't get enough of it :)
All you need is Love - The Beatles - Who doesn't love this song. All you need is love!
Don't stop believing - Glee Cast - ugh!!!! PERFECTION. My motivational song. It makes me remember summer :)

Last night two of my friends and I had a Valentines day dinner, we got ourselves boxes of chocolates, heart shaped pizza, doughnuts, ate them all and watched love things on TV. It was perfect! I was able to share a night with not just one person I love, but two!!! Last year my mom and I had a Bourne trilogy marathon and ate carbs. Which I'll be honest I loved... I love Jason Bourne...and I love carbs...AND I love my mom. But this year it was nice to celebrate love :)

I was a little sad yesterday though because my love wasn't able to come to our dinner. He was working until late last night, which I understood, but still... Last year we weren't able to be together and this year I thought it would be nice to at least see each other. AND WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gray surprised me at my door with flowers and a box of chocolates! He drove all the way down after a night of working to surprise me :) I'd never gotten flowers and chocolate on Valentines day before, it is wonderful!

Yay for Valentines day. A day to celebrate Love. I once hated it SO much. But why? It doesn't have to be about romantic love, if your heart feels for someone else then this is a day for you to celebrate that. And love is the ultimate reason to celebrate. I love love.

I love life. I love psych class. I love dance class. I love voice lessons. I love my mom. I love Gray. I love Tasha, Josh, Aaron, Matt, Travis, Pj, John, Dallin, Billy, Michael, Brooke, Zach, Daniel, Matthew, Ryan, ALL MY FRIENDS. I love my house. I love change. I love service. I love grape crystal light. I love warm wind. I love film. I love music. I love my life.

I am loving rehearsals. A lot. The music is so fun, the dancing is so fun, its just a feel good musical. Nothing that will change your life, but when you leave the performance you will feel good. And maybe that will be a life changing experience for someone. Working with the cast is awesome, there are some pretty darn talented people at BYU. We open at the end of March and I'm pretty pumped for it. Plus I'm learning a lot about myself as a member of a cast and how I show up.

A few weeks ago I found out that I was cast in the summer shows at Lagoon! Which will be fun, I will love being able to take some classes at the Salt Lake Center, I'll love living in Salt Lake, I'll love performing, and I'll love having an amazing summer!! :)
Tuacahn lets us know hopefully this next week. I was called back for Jane in Tarzan, which would be A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. so we'll see how that goes, and Jackson Hole auditions are this weekend! I'l excited about my future :)

Also I can't wait to move to LA. To start auditioning and booking films, TV shows, to finally sign my record deal. Its all coming and its going to be amazing. It is amazing.

I'm just going to say it. I love my body. I've always been a pretty healthy eater but just not eating actual meals, now I cook myself three meals a day and have snacks! I still go to the gym everyday. I love feeling my body moving, feeling myself grow stronger. Its amazing to have a body that works. I'm trying these new work outs and they are bringing me great results, I'm seeing my abs come out like never before. People, I have cut lines! Woohoo!

Pj, John, Gray, Joe and me are working towards "SEXY SWIM DAY!" on May first we are all going to go to the pool and show off all our hard work. Its nice to have people to assist you, support you, just to have people working towards the same goal. Haha even if I'm the only one really taking it super seriously :)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Mi Madre and discoveries

Great life invited us to invite someone special to come join us for an activity on Sat. So I asked my mom if she would join me. And to my surprise she said yes! I've been asking her for about four months to get involved with great life in some way, and I was thrilled. Not just because she was coming to great life for something, but because I had asked her honestly because I wanted to be with her and do something special. I came from my heart which I haven't allowed myself to do in a while, and its funny how when you come from your heart people can tell and respond accordingly.

We went and had the chance to serve others. We prepared twelve hearty meals and took them to the homeless who were on the street outside of the homeless shelter. It was amazing to talk to the people there and to connect with them. We even had some toilet paper in the car and people asked for it. It broke my heart. But the love and thankfulness I felt coming from those people was amazing. And it was so wonderful to see my mom in action. That was probably the best part. I am so thrilled with how I spent my time this weekend. I can't wait till she and I do it again. We have plans to do it at least once a month.

My heart is full. And even better, my heart is open.

I've learned that I can be open, I can be authentic, caring, deep, passionate. Correction, that I AM those things. I AM EVERYTHING. Anything I chose I am. I AM.

I used to think it was shallow for me to like to dress well or look nice, it was shallow to care about those things. But its not. I am not shallow. For so long that was my deepest fear. That peoples views of me being just pretty and talented, and shallow, would be true. That I'd look in the mirror one day and just be this plastic girl. But I'm not. I am deep. I am compassionate. I honestly care about others and act on it. I am not just the pretty talented girl. I'm the girl that without broadcasting it to the world helps with the special Olympics, recycles, donates money, helps others, talks to those who need a friend, listens. And I'm also talented and I'm also pretty. I don't have to pick between being a granola, do good person and the girl who likes to look good. I don't have to pick because I'm both. I am more that that. But this has been a huge thing for me. I don't need to hide the deep, compassionate side of who I am anymore. I don't know if others with think its fake, but I don't care. Its been there all along, I'm just letting it show as much as the rest of me now.

We all are. We just are. I am. You are. Just be. Just love. Thats all there is.


I love mushrooms. I love them raw. I love the way they taste. I love them sauteed in "I can't believe its not butter" zero calorie spray. I love mushrooms for the added bonus that they are only 15 calories per cup.

I love gum. Mint gum and fruit gum. I love love love love love gum.

I love the gospel. My heart exploded in church today. Because it felt so much love and truth. Oh how I love the gospel.

I love music. It transforms me everyday. It is in everything I do. Adagio for strings is perhaps the most beautifully moving piece of music ever written for strings. Music is a spiritual experience in my life.

I love soy milk. I love it heated up in a special glass. And even more when I add three tablespoons of sugar free hazelnut syrup to it. Its like comfort in a cup. Each night I have some just before bed. It is perfection. PERFECTION.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Whoa whoa whoa.

So on this wonderful Tuesday afternoon I am reflecting on how thankful I am for life. I normally hate all this corny "I'm thankful for air, trials, love" crap. Because its just ugh, I don't know, not me. But I'm sitting here, doing some school work, my window is open, the sun is pouring in onto my wonderful laptop(one of the things I'm in love with today and thankful for) and I can't help but say I'm thankful for air, trials, love! Among other things.

I'm moving to LA at the end of this summer. Exciting? Yes! Scary? Yes! But I can't wait. And how did I luck out with the best mother in the world who actually says "I'm so excited for you to move to LA, you're going to have so much fun!" How many kids would die just to hear their parents say that to them. And here I have a mother who is giving me advice on what city would be best to live in, how far away said city is, and who is supporting me in making choices.

A few friends and I are moving together. Thats another thing I'm thankful for. Having great friends, who believe in themselves and me enough to take a leap of faith.

I'm thankful that I have been given everything I have needed or wanted for that matter. I couldn't think of anything I haven't been able to do or given the opportunity do to. Thankfully heavenly father blessed me with a father who could pay for a great college (among other things) a mother who supports me and encourages me, a grandmother who is literally an angel and people/friends that have challenged me to be better and work harder.

Life isn't perfect but it isn't supposed to maybe it is perfect... Its perfect for me.

Things are happening, changing, growing and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I'M DOING HOMEWORK!!! hahahaha and that never ever happens. Yet here I am. I turned off the TV, did the work and now I am finished.

So yes I am thankful for the air, trials, love. But I'm also thankful for The Bachelor with my mom, only eating apples, honeycrisp apples, calorie free salad dressing, endless fashion mags, random dance parties held in my kitchen and living room, best friends, vision boards, celery, windows, pillows, chicken, harmons, a christmas tree that isn't a christmas tree ;), leggings, bobby pins, handmade quilts, movies, sun, learning, dance, music.

The list could go on forever, but I'll stop.

I used to describe myself as "dark and twisty". I wasn't mean, but most def had a sinister view on the world. I've turned into one of those "bright and shiny" people. Not to an annoying point, but none the less I don't see the future as full of horrible things that could happen. A future that I go into knowing that it'll be hard and painful. Now I see the future as something with endless happy possibilities. A trillion positive things that I can create. Which makes me excited to start creating them.

Have a happy day :)