I'm falling behind in school. So I chose to spend tonight writing a paper and not hanging out with friends. And I did actually write the paper! Thats a big step for me. Because I am of the thinking that school is not my life. It is not the most important thing. If it comes to choosing between hanging out or doing homework, hands down I will choose to hang out. Because life is about the experiences you have, the people in your life. Not about how you score on a test. BUT I came to the realization tonight that although school isn't the most important thing... it is important. And I should be acting like it is. So I'm starting now. I can't change the past, but I can change my future. I am changing my future.
Also, I am extremely happy. So so so happy. I don't know why, but I'm not fighting it this time. I'm not sabotaging my happiness anymore. Maybe it'll hurt, maybe I'm stupid for trusting. But I am happy, and I feel it coming from inside myself as well as from the outside. Knowing that I can change right now. Choose to change my life, to be better, work harder, love truer, is making me happy/thrilled/excited/nervous.
Another feeling coming from within is gratitude. I have some of the greatest people on earth supporting me. For real. My mother and I have been through some ups and downs (welcome to any mother daughter relationship) but it feels so good that its settling into a place that I hope it will stay for a while. Its like having a best friend who just so happens to have 50 years of life experiences with a motherly twist. But I feel like she sees me as an adult, which is a bit scary... but also it gives me a lot of confidence. Ya I'll mess up, I'm new at the adult thing. But she knows that, and is letting me learn my own lessons, and is waiting with a band-aid. (often in the form of a good talk paired with good food)
ONE MORE THING!
I'm missing my girls. Brooke and Sarah. I don't have many girl friends here... all my friends are gay boys. Literally. I love them with all my heart, and they have helped me through lots of things. But I would give anything for a few really good girl friends. Oddly though, for me, its scarier finding new girl friends than finding new boys to hang out with. Hopefully God will send me courage and some awesome girls :)