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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I confess

1. Every time I sing for people (church, school, an audition, performance, whatevs) I tell myself that I'm the best singer they have ever heard. I always do better when I do.


2. I tell myself everyday that I am stunning, beautiful, loving, passionate, authentic and whatever else I feel like being that day. 


3. I used to get terribly nervous when meeting new people. Thats only changed this last month.


4. It gives me anxiety to call people on the phone that I do not know.


5. There was about a month this year where my diet was only popcorn and diet root beer. 


6. I'm obsessed with the color purple. Dark deep purple. Never light purple.


7. I am always cold. 


8. I sing all the time. Literally. I'll be in public and someone will tell me I have a beautiful voice and I wont even be aware of the fact that I was singing. 


9. I watch myself sing in the mirror. And I video tape performances and watch them. It helps me get rid of "isms" that I do.


10. I love diet cherry dr pepper.


11. I think people who don't drink soda because "its bad for you" are silly. Most of them eat garbage anyway. 


12. People who are different or weird just to be different bug me.  


13. I 100% believe that I am going to be a successful working actress and musician/recording artist. 


14. I also 100% believe that I will do the above and have a family. 


15. I believe that nothing is impossible.


"The things which are impossible with men are possible with God" Luke 18:27

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Zach

I have this friend. Named Zach.
He is always making me take a look at myself. Seeing what I could be doing better. He always helps me too. He'll remind me why I'm doing something... why I gave something up. All I have to do it text or call him and say "Remind me why I'm doing this." or "Tell me its all going to work out."

We make these pacts with each other, to keep each other on the right path. And it works well because we are accountable to someone other than just ourselves.

Even when he is having a bad day, the worst day, he makes me smile. He makes me feel happy. Just by being around him. I can't help but say "Oh my gosh Zach I love you so much!" Over and over when we are together.

And just when I thought I had people at BYU pegged, he came along and changed my whole view. By following his example I find my faults, acknowledge that they are there, and then try and fix them because I know they are wrong. Even if its my human nature, if its just "who I am", I can see the things that are wrong and I work on changing them. I love that he isn't perfect, but instead of making excuses like most, he admits he knows better and asks for help. What a great example for me.

He is one in a million. I can't say enough good things about him. I'm grateful God put him in my life. I've said for a while that I needed a good friend who gets it, who is my age, who is at BYU with me, who I can text at any hour of the day or night; and here is such a friend. :)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Grateful

I'm trying this new thing where I say what I'm grateful for grateful for each day. Along with a few positive affirmations. I've been saying the affirmations for a while now, but I just recently started the grateful statements. The combination is powerful. Things are happening. Changing. Not all at once, but little by little. And that is all it takes.

"...By small and simple things are great things brought to pass..." Alma 37:6
That same verse also says "...And small means in many instances doth confound the wise". When I read that I thought how true that is. How many times do I over think things, think that the answer is to simple, or trick myself into believing that situations are more complicated than they actually are? So I'm trying to see the small simple things that are happening, because they are pilling up and becoming great big things :)

Small and simple things can be used to bring to pass great things of good, or great things of bad. This scripture doesn't just apply to all good. Bad things can be brought to pass by small and simple things. So I'm also keeping an eye out for those small things that aren't bringing light into my life. Because so matter how small and trivial they seam, they will pile up. Things that do not bring light, bring darkness. I don't want a pile of darkness.

Hanukkah and Johnssica

Ok so I'm not Jewish. But I did attend a Jewish party tonight. Hanukkah party I guess I should say. We light the candles and my friend sang a song, and we even played with a dradle! It was so awesome to learn about a different culture and religion. I'm so glad I have friends who open my eyes to so many different things. And that in the end, it affirms my beliefs even more. I walk away with a greater love and appreciation for my friends and their beliefs, and my own are strengthened. Its a win win situation.

Johnssica Christmas Extravaganza.
Its always epic.
This year we added ice skating. OUTSIDE.
It was magical. There was snow falling while we were outside ice skating.
I loved it.


Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm learning


"People don't find out who they are until the end of their life, when they can look back and see if they chose everyday to be the person they were meant to be, the person they wanted to be. Until then it isn't about finding out who we are, its about knowing who we are meant to be, who we want to be, and choosing to be it."





Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Music

Music fills every part of my body, every thought I have, every feeling, every dream.

Nothing has such a universal power as music. Even if people don't realize it. Almost every place we go there is music playing.

Currently on my favorite mix are these songs

Crawl - Chris Brown
Love Story - The Scene Aesthetic
Beauty in the Breakdown - The Scene Aesthetic
One less lonely girl - Justin Bieber
Fire Flies - Owl City
The Mess I made - Parachute
Ordinary people - John Legend
This time - John Legend
I can Transform ya - Chris Brown
How do you sleep - Jesse McCartney
Where I stood - Missy Higgins
Falling Slowly - Kris Allen

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving. And I am in my fathers house with three of my closet friends, and my three brothers. The turkey took a few more hours than we thought it would...actually it took two more hours than we thought it would. Even though things didn't go as plan, dinner was wonderful. Being in Portland for thanksgiving has been wonderful. I'm loving the rain. Its perfect because the rain makes you want to cuddle up, but it isn't snowy yet.

Loved today. Looking forward to making my own thanksgiving dinners for years to come.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Halloween



I fulfilled a dream of mine this year. I was Jasmine for Halloween and one of my best friends was Aladdin!!! I was Jasmine when I was little, but I didn't have an Aladdin, not so this year! Ben and I were perfect. In fact we have decided to be Jasmine and Aladdin at disneyland. So look for us soon. Disney doesn't know about our plans yet, but they will.

I'm a mess


SOOOOO for those of you who don't know me that well, let me fill you in on an important little fact. I AM MESSY. Dirty? NO. People often think that messy people are dirty, this however is not true. My car is messy, my apt is messy, however I am not messy. I am very put together. But it stresses me out when things are perfect. When my bed is always made, clothes are all put away. I don't enjoy it. And it doesn't bother me. I have no problem with the fact that there are clothes on my floor. They aren't dirty, I wash them. But I am working on this because I realize that not everyone is on the same page as I am. Its a slow process, but Its coming along. My closet is now totally organized, and my car is as well... well all but my trunk.... as seen in the picture :)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Falling behind


I'm falling behind in school. So I chose to spend tonight writing a paper and not hanging out with friends. And I did actually write the paper! Thats a big step for me. Because I am of the thinking that school is not my life. It is not the most important thing. If it comes to choosing between hanging out or doing homework, hands down I will choose to hang out. Because life is about the experiences you have, the people in your life. Not about how you score on a test. BUT I came to the realization tonight that although school isn't the most important thing... it is important. And I should be acting like it is. So I'm starting now. I can't change the past, but I can change my future. I am changing my future.

Also, I am extremely happy. So so so happy. I don't know why, but I'm not fighting it this time. I'm not sabotaging my happiness anymore. Maybe it'll hurt, maybe I'm stupid for trusting. But I am happy, and I feel it coming from inside myself as well as from the outside. Knowing that I can change right now. Choose to change my life, to be better, work harder, love truer, is making me happy/thrilled/excited/nervous.

Another feeling coming from within is gratitude. I have some of the greatest people on earth supporting me. For real. My mother and I have been through some ups and downs (welcome to any mother daughter relationship) but it feels so good that its settling into a place that I hope it will stay for a while. Its like having a best friend who just so happens to have 50 years of life experiences with a motherly twist. But I feel like she sees me as an adult, which is a bit scary... but also it gives me a lot of confidence. Ya I'll mess up, I'm new at the adult thing. But she knows that, and is letting me learn my own lessons, and is waiting with a band-aid. (often in the form of a good talk paired with good food)

ONE MORE THING!
I'm missing my girls. Brooke and Sarah. I don't have many girl friends here... all my friends are gay boys. Literally. I love them with all my heart, and they have helped me through lots of things. But I would give anything for a few really good girl friends. Oddly though, for me, its scarier finding new girl friends than finding new boys to hang out with. Hopefully God will send me courage and some awesome girls :)


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Great Life

For the past four days I have been a part of this amazing training. Its called Great Life. Its run out of Salt Lake City, and I heard about it from my best friend Pj Schwartz. His mom, dad and older brother had all done all three parts of Great Life. They all said their lives had been changed so much, for the better. And we could all see such a huge difference in them. So Pj, Gretchen, Holly, Ben and I all decided that it was something we wanted to be a part of. At first I wasn't really sure if I believed it would be that life changing. But now that its over, I can honestly say that I don't remember feeling this free from baggage or powerful in my whole life. I feel ready to live in my life now, ready to accept and own my power. I had the chance to let go of all the baggage I have been holding on to, I have let go of limiting beliefs that I had about myself and about life. There are three parts, I have just been to the first one, but I can't wait to go to the second session. I'm now just finding ways to raise the money to do it. But it will happen.
I am living a great life.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

21




Yesterday was my 21st birthday :) It was the best birthday I have ever had, seriously I don't think it could have been more perfect. When I got to school a few of my friends and I went and got "Birthday breakfast!!!" Kids at BYU are so funny haha anyway then I was able to spend some time with my mom, we did a little shopping, had some food. It was just good.
I knew I was going to dinner with my best friend PJ later that night, so I got all dressed up and we went out. While at dinner he said "So this is supposed to be a surprise, but I just have to tell you. We are taking you on a scavenger hunt!" and so I thought I knew what was going to happen that night. So he takes me to the car, blind folds me and starts driving. Finally he parks, leads me someplace, and I have NO IDEA where we are at. He rips off my blindfold and there are tons of people and they yell "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" and balloons and confetti are flying everywhere!!!!!! Biggest surprise of my life!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly it felt like a movie.
Me and all my friends danced for hours, drank mocktails, and had the best time. The decorations were perfect, the color scheme was Pink Black and Silver. All my favorites! And my cake. OH MY GOODNESS. Perfection. It was black with pink and silver polka-dots. And it had sparkler candles on it!!!! It was just like that show, My super sweet 16. Except I was turing 21 haha.
It was the best party I have ever been to, I couldn't have planned it better myself. It was perfect. I can't even get over it! Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I am so lucky :)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It takes your breath away

Grey's Anatomy premiered this week!!! My favorite show of all time :) And I cried so much during the those two hours. For happy things and sad things. And I believe that this quote is my favorite one I have ever heard on the show. There are so many good ones, I could dedicate a whole blog to just Grey's quotes. Here is my new favorit:

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.And always, every time, it takes your breath away"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Somewhere only we know

How can your heart want something so much, while also wanting anything but that thing?

"whoever said "What you don't know can’t hurt you", was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world." - Grey's Anatomy

I don't know. I don't know what I want, whats going to happen, what has happened, where I stand, who stands with me, I just don't know. I wish that God would just tell me what I should do. It's so much easier to follow directions, finding out on my own is the worst.

Today is emotional. I'd give anything to know why. I'm feeling emotional and I don't know why.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I love my life





Simply put I love life.

Its not perfect, I'm not perfect and the people and events are not perfect. But I love it all anyway.

AND I love my friends for making the most of situations. Tuesday night could have been such a crappy night. But because I have amazing friends we made it one of the best nights.

I am in love with dancing right now. I have a feeling thats where all my money will be going...gas (so I can get to Salt Lake) and then paying to get in. And I am so ok with that.

There is a new quote that I need to share! I think its beautiful and uplifting and I want to spread beautiful and uplifting things!

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places"

Love it. I love everything about it.

Oh and I love being wrong about people. I am pretty shy (although most people would not agree) I just get really nervous when I meet new people, I guess you could say I'm intimidated by people. So I love when I start to really hang out with someone, really get to know them and they are totally different than I thought. Not that I ever think that people are bad, but its just a wonderful surprise when I get along with people who I never thought I would, people who I was intimidated by! I'm finding that most everyone has good intentions, and almost all people really are good, you just need to get to know them.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I wish to be the happiest person who ever lived.

My friend Bri is who i heard that phrase from. "I wish to be the happiest person who ever lived."

And I also want to be the happiest person who ever lived. So I'm going to be. Starting now. Yes there will be sad days, but trust me, I will be the happiest person who ever lived... we should all believe that about ourselves and try to achieve that. The world would be much better if we all tried to be that person.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Amazed

I am amazed by what people say.
By the good and the bad. Today I had lots of things that amazed me, just as many good as bad.

So here I sit feeling amazed. I also sit here feeling upset.

All I can say is that today was amazing.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Seriously? Seriously.

Yesterday was a heck of a day. Started out great, woke up with some of my favorite people around me, in a place I love. Followed by a wonderful movie (Adam). For those who have not seen it, you need to. It is beautiful. The message was so great and it was presented so well. I was blown away by the acting as well. I love when I go to movies and they make me remember why I'm still doing what I'm doing. When they remind me why I'm working so hard. Because I love when I have an experience during a film, a show, a concert; when I can do more than just "see" a show. When I'm moved to the point that I have an experience. Those moments change my life. And maybe in just a small way, but they do. And I want to pay it forward. I hope someday I can give people the joy that I have when those artists give me an experience. I pray that I can one day do the same for other people.

My little red car is now in the shop however :( I was in a little ditch and lost my oil pan. Thankfully I'll get it back soon :) Sad news number two, my camera screen is broken :( yay for it still being able to take pictures though :) haha the little view finder is useful now. Thank heaven Kodak still feels the need to put a view finder on a digital camera, otherwise I'd be up a creek!

Lots of feelings bubbled up yesterday. I'm not sure how I feel about it all yet... I miss something, but I'm not sure what yet. Someone being there when your car is in a ditch. Knowing that this one person will drop anything to help you. That position is empty for now. I haven't decided yet if I'd like someone to fill it quite yet. It was nice to know that I could do it by myself though. That I can be an adult all by myself. Scary as it is.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

K so I'm starting this blog for a few reasons. One - tonight I read a note on my friends facebook that made me cry because it was so beautiful. He talked about all the things he believes, and it made me think of so many things and I want to write them Two - I think this is going to be better than facebook to keep people (mostly family) updated on what is going on in my life Three - I wanted a place to share all my favorite quotes and scriptures and Four - I'm not good about journaling and I figure this is the closest thing I'll get to that :)


This last year was rough, but this summer my life started to be happy again, but I am so thankful that I was able to have those unpleasant experiences, because now I can see my blessings so much clearer, and I appreciate real friends so much more. And its even more evident when I see who God has put into my life, people like the young man who wrote this. I believe that God does notice me, and he does care about me. He makes that clear to me all the time, often through the words of a friend. Tonight he chose to make it clear through these words:

"I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for the rest of your life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you. Which sucks.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That we are all here for many purposes.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That in learning about ourselves, we learn about God, Jesus Christ, and the Atonement.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
In my limitted experience, that LOVE is the reason we are here.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

I Believe that I am a Child of God, and that's all that matters."