Friday, May 9, 2014

Love is always better

Four months! I've made it four months in this city. It feels like no time at all though. I'm so busy that I am shocked every time a new week comes around. How can it be Monday already!? Working 40 hours a week is hard, I'm always exhausted.
I am positive that this feeling has been magnified by the weather though. There have been three or four days where I could walk around in just a t-shirt and jeans; Other than that I am wearing a coat, battling with my umbrella or grabbing a taxi to avoid being outside.
People have said that this has been the hardest winter in years. And although I've always been one who loves snow, rain and cozy days with my book and a few Harry Potter movies, this is getting out of hand. 
I. just. need. sun. 

I do NOT love this weather.

Things I do love?
My room mates
The Bridges of Madison County musical soundtrack
My apartment
My Nook
The Farmers Market by my house
My job
I work Merch! Sounds thrilling right!?!? But its full of performers who are funny, smart, driven, people I really like being around. We work at Pippin, Kinky Boots, After Midnight and Murder for Two. That means I get to watch these shows for free! I don't do that every time I work, but even when I don't I am hearing these people sing and it reminds me why I am here. 
Because this is hard. If it was easy everyone would be doing it. 
I get to see an empty Broadway theater with just a ghost light onstage every time I work. 
There's something magical about that. About being there.

Sometimes I fear people will think I'm silly, idealistic or naive. I'm not. Its just, things are hard enough without trying to act "too cool" or like I don't care. I do care. I've already had my fair share of, what my friends and I call our "dark days". So now it is so important to me that I find magic, inspiration and love anywhere I can. So that's what I'm trying to do.

"But what I did is that I loved. And Love is always better." - JRB (Also me)

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

And we danced, And we Cried, And we laughed, And had a really really really good time

March 5:
My moms birthday. I had sent her flowers, which then couldn't be delivered. Then I ordered same day flowers, which were delivered. So she had two days of flowers which is good I suppose, but it caused a lot of anxiety and phone calls on my end. I was also slapped with a 400 dollar bill. I did not rack up this 400 dollars of electricity in an apartment I no longer lived in, but the power bill was in my name, so my credit is effected and my money is gone. So I was having a bad day.

But then, BUT THEN!

I went on a date, which was great. Good food, good conversation, cute boy ;) 
Also, there is a second date planned :) 
But the best part of the day was yet to come.

I had agreed to go to a dance thing with my roommate. She is not a dancer or a musical theater person. She takes this swing dance class. So I said "Yeah I'll go!" SIDE NOTE, if you know me well, you know that this is not something I would normally do. Venturing into a world where several different people would touch me, hold me close, probably sweat on me... yuck. But I've been trying to do things I normally wouldn't feel comfortable doing. Experience the great wide world. (Also now as I type this... the stakes are much lower... I might have over reacted about the flowers not being able to be delivered...) So after my date I met up with my roommate and we headed to the dance class.

If I could let you see this dance class I would. But I can't. The best I can do is google pics and find ones that are similar if not, the same humans that I experienced in the dance class. 

The old man with longer, thicker, dreadier hair than mine.
He was a good dancer, we didn't talk much but he say 
"Yeah, no you got it!" as if quoting a line from a movie

Facial hair guy. 
Not cute facial hair.
Just a great mustache.

Obviously this guy showed up.
I get comb overs ok; my dad had one up until about five years ago.
We danced, he got his sweat all over my hands and that was that. 
He also came up to me as I was leaving and earnestly asked "Oh are you leaving? I was hoping to get your number. If not, I'll get it at the next dance class."
To which I said ".....yes. I'm sure I'll see you again."

And this man.
The old science professor who looked like he could run a marathon at any moment.
He couldn't find a beat to save his life, but he was the most fun.
We chatted, he lead me around the dance floor, while telling me about science and his wife.

Just to be clear, these men were all so nice, I would have totally danced with them again. I even hope to. (Except sweaty man... keep your sweat away from me) I guess I just have been so enveloped in my own circle of humans that I forgot about all the fantastic kinds of people there are. These men all had totally different stories than the ones I am used to hearing. Reasons other than performing brought them to New York. I see hundreds of people everyday but, I was able to hear the stories of a few of these people and I was so delighted about it. I am looking forward to my next class :)

Friday, February 21, 2014

Bright lights in the big city

New York City.
That is where I am living for the moment.
I've been here since Jan 8th 2014. So its been about a month and a half. Its been a fantastic month and a half, its also been full of self doubt, coffee, early mornings, late nights, uncomfortable moments, friends.

It is a strange place to be. I've loved the movie "crash" since the first time I saw it, but I could never fully appreciate the title until living here. People crash into each other without a thought, I spend most of my days pressed up against people in the subway, at auditions, passing the hundreds of people on the street. But the lack of human contact is astonishing. I'm not one for human contact, no one would ever describe me as a "hugger". But what's strange is, because of all the crashing into people in this city, I'm finding myself longing for a real connection. To crash into someone on purpose.

I've been reunited with my best friends. I've had many great people in my life but there have always been these three, and I know there always will be. They have introduced me to some other fantastic humans while being here, some who have already left the city. I'm loving the memories we have been making, and the support we share with each other.

As for auditioning, its slow for now. I knew that it would be. I came in January so I could adjust to life here, not knowing that it would take me a matter of days to feel like this city was a part of me. I'm looking forward to March and April, when I can go from audition to audition. Until then, you can find me seeing a show, at the gym, living in a glamour tent etc, etc.

BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY! I saw this show opening day (My roommate plays Kelly O'Hara's daughter) and I was blown away. The music is amazing, the kind of music you can't stop singing when you leave the theater. And the work of the actors is magic. I sat in the theater crying and crying, thinking "This is why people do musical theater". The combination of so many different art forms onstage, is... I wish I had a more expressive word, but its magic. I feel so humbled to have seen such great actors but their heart into such a great piece of work. Go listen to it!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Don't need nothing but a good time!

ONE YEAR. I have one year left until I graduate college! It may have taken me 11 semesters ( 5 full years of school and one extra semester.) but I can't say how happy am I that I stuck through it! I took a year off after leaving BYU and it was really a good choice. Because I was able to figure out how important school is to me, and because of that time away I really learned that having a degree is important to me. Also I'm very happy I went to BYU and then the U, I got to see so many different views on life and theater. I wouldn't trade my experience these last few years for anything!

I've learned that I am more driven than I thought I was. When I focus on something I don't stop until I finish it. That being said, when I focus... I focus hard and can't really focus on anything else. So this summer I am going to try and let loose and have fun! I get so focused on doing school and doing shows that I spend little time doing the other things I love.

I also decided to stop auditioning for things... I'm going to try and do a show at the U next year, but come my final semester I have promised myself that I WILL NOT do a show... as hard as that will be for me :(

READING. I have this obsession with going to D.I. and picking up four new books at a time, because I mean COME ON THEY ARE .75 CENTS!!!! I have read 4 books in the last month... So maybe my summer will be concerts, reading and seeing free movies. I couldn't be more excited though. Its my last summer in Utah and my last bit of free time before I focus back on school and just school.

If anyone still reads my blog I hope you are having a fantastic day. It is very sunny and I'm happy!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Here right now, this what we're living for

Every so often I have what I like to call "Leaves on trees" moments. Where for some reason my contacts are so great that I can see all the leaves on the mountains. Which might be normal for some people, but I have really bad eye sight, so growing up I didn't know that trees could look like that. To me they were always just big blobs. Then when I first got glasses I looked across the street and said "OH look! There are leaves on that tree!" I'm sure you've heard this story from many people, pretty much anyone who has glasses has experienced this.
But this has been happening for me lately, and not just with my vision. But with my view of my life. I'm seeing things that I didn't notice before. I'm seeing things clearly. Its really nice to have a very clear picture in my head of the things I want and the things I will be doing with my life. I'm always open and flexible, but knowing what I want means it is easier for me to set goals and achieve them.
On the flip side, knowing exactly what I want also has been causing me anxiety. What if I don't achieve my goals? What if I fail? What if I never get to do these things I so badly want? What if I never get to be in love again? What if, what if, what if. And I know these are not rational thoughts, but they are still there. Going for my goals in spite of the what ifs. That is what is required. And I am ready for the challenge!
Also I have a very clear time frame of what I want... graduation in April 2014 is the first thing on this timeline. First and for most in my life is graduating. Maybe thats good, maybe not... I'm finding that I am leaving little room for friends and family because of this. So I suppose balance is something I should work on.

Basically, I am seeing the leaves. All the little pieces that make up my life. I like what I see, and I like what I see in the future. But its time to enjoy and love the now. Because NOW is all I have. The future isn't tangible, its a hope, a goal. I am going to enjoy the goals of today that I have achieved, and the leaves I have in my life right now.

Also Salt Lake City is STUNNING in the fall. I love just driving around and looking at the beautiful place I live in. I am lucky.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Can you remind me of what it was like, at the top of the world

My life is so busy!!!!! I hardly have time for anything other than school and rehearsal. Bloody bloody Andrew Jackson opens tonight! (but we did have an audience last night) luckily this show is only an hour and a half long so My nights won't be as busy and I can finally finish ALL my homework, not just half of it.

Is going great. We have a new head of the department, so it's been good to get more feed back and have a new set of eyes. I only have a few more semesters and then I'll be done! I can't say how thankful I am to have been given the chance to get an education, and how excited I am to have a degree. It's very important to me to have one.

Seven brides this summer changed my life! I found great friends like my bestie Josh! And I had the best time with the cast. Summer 2012 will always be one of my favorites. BLOODY BLOODY ANDREW JACKSON has been a wonderful learning experience. It's a show I never thought I'd be in (I typically do traditional musical theater) so doing a rock musical and needing to be way over the top has been hard for me. I've gotten frustrated with myself, but it's ok because at least I'm learning... I'll get there someday.

For the last year and a half I haven't had more than three weeks off before starting a new show. And it's been wonderful, I've learned so much. BUT that being said, I have decided that I need a break. I've never had the thought "I need to take a break from doing shows" until about a week ago. It's just that doing school AND multiple shows a semester is so hard and I need to make sure I pass all my general classes so I can graduate on time.
Also life has been so great this last year and a half that sometimes I think it's going to break. That things don't stay this good for this long because in the Last decade of my life it hasn't. And I'm starting to think that, yes, bad things happened; friends died, relationships went bad, cancer happened, eating disorders etc. But I think all those things would have been a lot easier if my attitude would have been what it is today. Because life happens, bad things happen but also GOOD things happen, GREAT things happen. And those good things happen much more often than the bad things.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I threw a wish in the well, Don't ask me I'll never tell

Only the important things:
I adore my Seven Brides cast
I saw my best friends this weekend and it made me so happy
I feel incredibly blessed/lucky to have met such great people this summer
Gma is the most fantastic woman
I am the luckiest :)
I feel like everyone likes a picture blog in comparison to a paragraphs and paragraphs of words blog so these should give you an idea as to what my summer is shaping up to be!

Exercising this everyday

The most beautiful cast I've ever been a part of!

Bestie on the 4th

Family BBQ!

I think this is beautiful! Working on making these my own words.

Still loving Mumford in the summer months


:) I do, I do, I do.

Summer Motto (well one of the many)

Waking up like this everyday.
Only mine says "Wake up beautiful girl! You get to live the life you've dreamed of!"

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.

There has been a shift in my feelings lately. A good one I feel. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about God, praying about things. For some reason for the past month and a half I've had this desire to spend time at church, spend time praying and searching. Problem is that I'm not really sure what I'm searching for. Maybe I'll know what I was looking for when I finally find it. 

I also have this desire to be softer... kinder. I find myself feeling silly for thinking these thoughts and for praying. I look forward to when I have the confidence to silence those thoughts. I hope I can continue this journey and work with God in this transformation period. 

Florence and The Machine "Shake it out"
Regrets collect like old friendsHere to relive your darkest momentsI can see no way, I can see no wayAnd all of the ghouls come out to playAnd every demon wants his pound of fleshBut I like to keep some things to myselfI like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blindI can never leave the past behindI can see no way, I can see no wayI'm always dragging that horse aroundAnd our love is pastured such a mournful soundTonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the groundSo I like to keep my issues drawnBut it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heartSo tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restartCause I like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it backIt's a find romance but its left me so undoneIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don'tSo here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my roadAnd I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hopeIt's a shot in the dark and right at my throatCause looking for heaven, found the devil in meLooking for heaven, found the devil in meWell what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah

Monday, June 25, 2012

Wonderful Wonderful Day

It has been a great summer so far! I've been super busy and I'm about to get a lot busier too with Seven Brides (Up at Sundance) and my new Job at Nordstrom. Fall is looking like its going to be just as busy, I'll be taking 19 credit hours and I'll be in SLACs production of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson!
So far I:

Went home to Oregon

Took a road trip to Jackson Hole

Attended my first ever Toga Party

And had a singing Party in the middle of downtown Salt Lake City!

Life is so good. I was talking to Bronwyn the other day and she said "Jessica, we're doing it. I mean we are actually doing it. Like who would have thought that you me and John would be making a living from performing so soon. We made it!" And I feel that way. I feel like I am living the dream. I'm not in New York yet, I'm not on broadway, and I do have a lot of progress yet to be made, but I am living my dream! And I am happy. In two years I'll get to live my dream in New York (and hopefully on broadway) But I've be lucky enough to perform non stop for over a year, I am surrounded by people I love, and I am learning and growing. I love the memories I'm making and I look forward to creating many more, which will be just as wonderful!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear

These are words that have been taken right from my heart.
I often struggle to find the right words, I'm not so good with them...
But others have been able to say the words that I feel in my heart, so thank you to them!
What I'm trying to say is that these are the thoughts going through my heart and mind currently :)
"To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me"
- Christian D. Larson

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Too much sanity may be madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Perhaps to be practical is madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it ought to be."- Cervantes (Man of La Mancha) 

Have a beautiful day!